Punching Day: The Mr. T Game

Here at this delightful 1900HOTDOG website, I’ve written two hundred and eighty (280!) articles about maniac cops, horny witches, and diseased grifters. That’s a lot of curses I’ve exposed myself to, so today let’s do something nice. Maybe something better than nice– the Mr. T Game. It’s “an exciting race against time” based on the cartoon where celebrity Mr. T leads a “child vigilante army.” You and I, best friends, are going to face off in this 1983 board game for ages 6-12! Nothing could go wrong!

This is not how I remember this cartoon about gymnasts fighting crime. The board is a pleasant suburb built around a Mr. T city center with well-kept, harmless locations along a bus route. And the manual says the object of the game is to “run your errands and reach the airport BEFORE time runs out.” So we’re not going to be jumping onto any escaping speed boats or recapturing an escaped zoo animal. This is going to be something closer to Mr. T’s teen friends returning some library books. Or exactly that if you want to be a dick about it. They don’t even say why we need to get to the airport. We’re probably just picking up a Toblerone for Mr. T while he’s off in some board game with stakes.

Okay, let’s get started. There are four game pieces and none of them are Mr. T. We’ll also need the bus game piece because we get to take turns controlling it. The complications of this bus take up 80% of the rules, and I would argue our adventure would be cooler if we weren’t commuting to it with local public masturbators. The point is, if you’re making a Mr. T board game, every player is a Mr. T and on your turn you roll to see which fools get punched, and which fools get pitied. If you find yourself explaining arcane bus movement rules for a little boy’s trip to the post office, you fucked up somewhere. Anyway, I’m Jeff. You’ll be Robin. Sorry, Kim and Woody. You’re staying in the box.

The first thing we need to do is draw MR. T cards to get our errand assignments. Because again, someone took a show about gymnast kids battling alongside Mr. T and made it about picking up his dry cleaning while he was out of town. This is like making a game where sad paramedics pull ladders and mops out of dead bodies and calling it Jackie Chan Adventure Cards. Has it been your turn this whole time? Come on, we’re all waiting on you to draw your MR. T card.

Wow, Mr. T gave you a terrific errand! If you believe in yourself with all your heart, you’re already done and ready to take the bus to the airport! Now I’ll draw mine.

This must be some kind of weird misprint. I’m going to draw another one.

It seems really important that I get to the grocery store for Miss Bisby. Your turn!

You rolled a 3 and landed on the bus which means you double your roll to move the bus, but you can only depart the bus if you stop o– you know, what? I’m going to just draw you a BUS card.

I don’t understand this game at all, but maybe your fun trip will give me time to catch up. I’m drawing a TEAM card because the city’s only bus is in South Dakota. I’m not sure what they d-

Oh no. This is terrible because you still have the bus and get to draw a BUS card. If you move forward just one space you’ll reach the airport and win the game! Let’s see!

You are so good at the Mr. T Game. I’m still stuck at Jeff’s house with a growing list of errands and missing children. Here I go. TEAM card, draw!

What? B-but this isn’t how cards work. How could i–

I’ve decided to stop asking questions. It’s still my turn, and I draw…

Oh no.

Oh no.

Yes! Awesome! Awesome!

If you hired Mr. T to load crates in your warehouse, this is exactly what he would be doing by lunch. This game rules! It’s still my turn!

Still my turn.

This seems… I don’t think I read the instructions carefully enough.

How d– did nobody shuffle?

It’s… it’s still my turn.

Oh fuck. Okay, something has gone very wrong here, but I’m worried it’s only going to get worse if I don’t draw. So here goes.

I think I’m getting better at the Mr. T game. It feels like I’m really turning things around.

I’ve got this.

Damn it.

God damn it.

The sea’s dark gifts have checked off half my to-do list! It’s still my turn.

I don’t know how to stop this.

No.

Release me from this, Mr. T!

Okay, I love the game again, but I’m worried it’s going to betray me.

Sweet!

Oh.

Rad!

Is it still my turn?

Oh my god, I did it! I finished my third turn in the Mr. T Game! You can go! Draw a BUS card!

You won! You really did it! It looks like you’re coming in a little fast, though.

Oh my god, oh my god.

I… I guess you left a while ago and no one was driving the bus. I don’t blame you, what the shit happened here? What the shit is going on!?

…

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Neil Schafer, whose beard draws scorpions and whose mutton chops command the locusts.

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