Learning Day: How to Work for a Woman Boss

Over the Holiday break, I got to open a time capsule from my great uncles' basement. Unfortunately, my great uncle was not a cool guy, so he thought the most important artifacts the future needed were some empty whisky bottles, an apron with a buff Richard Nixon riding a dinosaur on it, and a book called How To Work For A Woman Boss *Even if you'd Rather Not.

Woman bosses-- can't live without them; oh no, wait, we did for a really long time. Then men had to figure out how to let crazy dames tell them what to do! I can't imagine the chaos that caused. An entire generation of men had to go from no woman bosses to woman bosses quicker than you can say, "What do you mean I can't smack her if she's the boss? Even if she gets hysterical?"

Right away, I learned this book, somehow written in 1987, is a creative thinking exercise where one woman said to herself, "What if other women were managers, and how would that be terrible?" Honestly, I can't blame Dr. Paula Bern for scaring men into giving her money by selling them a how to deal with terrible women manual. I'm pretty sure that's sacred girlboss behavior. She uses spooky words like invade, intimidating, and female in almost every chapter title to compel you into the haunted house full of '80s woman bosses. It's spooky because it's full of shoulder pads and enormous fabric-covered buttons.

While this book is terrified of women bosses, it also seems to think they must be way more open to criticism than male bosses because most of the suggestions for correcting your female boss are gently negging her into being better. It suggests you say polite things like, "You seem a bit uptight." It even suggests you can try to do her job for her, and since she's probably done nothing, it should be easy. The only corrective behavior it frowns on is spraying her with a tiny bottle of water when she misbehaves, but in 1984 that was mainly to avoid deactivating her hairspray.

You can also try telling your scary woman boss she should get some more management training. In my experience, bosses love that. Maybe suggest a pantsless Friday at work, or surprise her with one. You're obviously about to get fired by the woman boss you keep pissing off, so why not get crazy with it?

There's even a fun little Cosmo quiz you can do in each chapter to assess your boss and see which type of bad boss she is. I don't know how that helps anyone? It doesn't say to show it to your boss, but I like to think someone did and that someone was so thoroughly fired they were thrown into another dimension where they could enjoy a life forever free of the drudgery of labor.

Does your boss like getting her own way? Wow, that's completely unreasonable. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. Have you tried telling her to take some management classes? I never thought I would be in a position where I would defend bosses but being creative and expecting people to do what she says are pretty standard boss behaviors. However, I don't have experience with normal bosses because mine made me watch three seasons of Documental, so my pain tolerance might be a little high.

Some of the passages in this book made me think Dr. Paula Bern took advice for dealing with bears and tweaked it a little to make it apply to female bosses. Make yourself large when speaking to your female manager! If she approaches you too quickly, lay on the ground, and play dead! Climbing a tree is a myth! And a death sentence!!

At least that piece of advice just says "manager." Most entries say "woman manager" or "female manager" like the book needs to keep reminding us why the manager is scary. It's like if I were writing about Stephen King's IT and kept referring to Pennywise as "the spooky clown, not a normal birthday party clown, but the one with the sharp teeth in case you forgot the premise, which again is a fear clown."

This is another question from the Cosmo Quiz section, this time to help you determine if your bad female boss is the non-listening type of Pokemon. If your woman boss is trying to fight you, subtly suss out if you can take her or not. Does she even lift? While this book is terrified of the idea of aggressive women, it's also unapologetically turned on by them, as you can tell from the horny lady boss fanfiction section:

I don't know what a modern human resources department would have to say about "featherlight touches" on the nape of a subordinate's neck, but I'm going to assume it's frowned upon in the same way gazing longingly at a copy machine or seductively caressing a moist water cooler is no longer allowed. If you're wondering how the ballad of Scott and Gail ends, it's not good for Scott. He tangled with the beast of a woman boss, and he paid the price.

This scenario feels like it was a skit stolen from a VHS on workplace sexual harassment. At the end, all of the actors would turn directly to the camera and say, "And you too could be punished with MONTANA if you try to screw your spooky woman boss and her tight, sweet holes." You might expect the book to offer some kind of solution to being hit on by your female boss, the most terrifying prospect for any man in the '80s if I understand the movie Disclosure right, but once again, it is great at imagining a horrific situation and not so hot at solving it:

What are the alternatives to sleeping with your woman boss? Just hand stuff with your woman boss? A no touching bath with your female manager? Does it not count to Jesus or corporate if there's no insertion? The book doesn't say! And this is the kind of thing I think people who need to learn how to work for a woman boss even if they'd rather not really need answers on!

You would hope the book would end by giving the secret codeword that makes all women manageable. You know, like the one from Babe that makes all of the sheep behave. Or the one at Hooters that makes the waitresses turn back into cats. Instead, it's just more useless daydreaming. It dares us to imagine a more appealing world-- a world run entirely by men!

It lists some occupations, including the police department, which remain relatively untouched by the female scourge. Yes, telling a bunch of men who can't stand taking orders from a woman to become police officers feels like how we got where we are today with the police. The author interviews a few police officers, including one female(!) police officer, and of course she was asked very tactful and sympathetic questions about the difficulties of being a woman in a male dominated workpla-- haha no, she made it immediately about fucking again.

Heather goes on to say that "the ever present danger even adds a certain sexual excitement that might not be present in another profession." Oops, it sounds like Paula accidentally interviewed the heroine of Creampie Cops 7. Also, what is she talking about? Other professions being less horny? Scott and Gail had their fingers in each other's every hole, and I'm pretty sure they did data entry for a boredom firm.

You know what? After reading this book, I've decided there is one woman boss I would definitely rather not work for, and it's Dr. Paula Bern. Can you imagine this woman running her horny, scary, funhouse of a workplace? Where every problem is a big tittied Dracula or an excuse to gently caress someone? She did it. She found the worst woman boss. It was inside her all along.

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