Learning Day: NUDE Cigar Smoking

In 1997, the definitive cigar video was produced. I'm, of course, speaking about the informative beginner's guide to cigar terms and etiquette, NUDE Cigar Smoking.

It's the perfect title for the perfect project. These educators identified their goal, added titties, and made that clear. Retire the idea of telling people what cigars are, because it's been mastered. We do not need a non-naked version because no one making cigars part of their personality has ever said, "Put on your shirts, sex workers." And yet one year later, two douchebags made the same video with no boobs.

Carey and Gary are what you picture when you hear two guys in the Circus Circus lobby scream, "We're going to own the strip, baby!" They look like a slide at a UN Haircut Council emergency meeting. Every single one of their local strippers know them as "Carey and Gary." And their genius idea was to make exactly Nude Cigar Smoking, only not nude. They even stole their title, Everything You Wanted To Know About... CIGARS But Were Afraid To Ask, from the back of Nude Cigar Smoking's box:

Of all the things to steal, they took this tired turn of phrase rather than "eye-popping maidens?" Ridiculous. Oh, and before you get too excited about the "large full-bodied Churchill," that's not one of the models. It's a type of cigar. All three naked ladies in Nude Cigar Smoking are the same woman in different wigs, except for one who wore the same wig.

These three 1997 underwear babes have spent more time together at Cinemax auditions than any of us will with lifelong partners. They have a genuine chemistry and when the script calls for them to interrupt the cigar lecture with dick jokes, they do so with charm and enthusiasm all 29 times. Nude Cigar Smoking really captures that feeling of three naked best friends excited to talk about a very short pamphlet on cigars they found.

Carey and Gary, on the other hand, would freeze to death on opposite sides of an igloo rather than risk their dicks touching. They call waitresses "sweetheart" with a troubling tone of ownership. They have the smarmy broadcast skills of entry-level business seminar planners and politicians which is what they went on to do, along with some rap. And I'm here to make the case for how the video they ripped off, Nude Cigar Smoking, was better in every way.

Let's start with the title screen. Look at the dramatic lighting of Nude Cigar Smoking. The classy set design. Some guy who self-selected for his dream job delicately brushed on a layer of powder to turn this woman's nipples, freckles, and breast implant scars into a smooth seascape of golden babe. In 1997, this was the most sophisticated way for the worst piece of shit's teen son to masturbate.

On the other hand, look at this trash. It's like a Star Wars text crawl on top of evidence collected in an antique turd collector homicide. They scream the tired cliche of a title at you, then mumble the last part as if that would distract us from how it took them 13 words to say Nude Cigar Smoking. This looks like someone hired a maid to tidy up a septic tank. Fucking cover yourself in garbage and die in the belly of raccoons, art director of EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT CIGARS, but were afraid to ask.

As for the hosts, there's no contest. The three eye-popping maidens are Cathy St. George, who played Female #2 on an episode of CHiPs called "Tight Fit," Shyra Deland, who briefly changed her name to Morgan Kelly to play Dawn on Sex Files: Erotic Possessions, and Heather Austin, who played Self for In Search of a 10: The Beaches. None of them list this video on their IMDB page. They are the best. They came here for naked cigars, which isn't a thing, and it is so fun watching them try to invent it.

Gary looks like he was ordered here by a judge to apologize for fart crimes.

Carey looks like he's recording a commercial for his firm specializing in fart crime. "My client was prosecuted as a farter simply because his alleged crimes took place in vans! I got him off with just an apology and their choice of haircut! Call the offices of Smolensky and My Dad today if you or a loved one  are having your lives torn a-fart by the law!"

This is going to sound presumptuous, but you know when you see someone on OnlyFans who squashes cupcakes between their toes or pees into balloons? You might not get it, but they clearly do. They understand what the cupcake squashing perverts are looking for. That's not the case here. If there was such a thing as a cigar fetish in 1997, nobody here knew what the appeal was or how to cater to it. These women are flopping their once sexy human shapes around while making vague cigar-smoking poses in the hopes that something, anything, might be what the audience wants. It is adorable.

Am I making your fantasies come true? When I kind of, I don't know, rub a lit cigar on my nightie? Is there a fetish for, nnnh, lots of small potential hairspray fires? There was no way, mmm, for us to know when we made this.

I'm doing sexy things too, Shyra. Mmm, I'm slowly finding an abandoned cigar in a haunted sitting room. With no panties. Then I'm going to, ooooh, run out of ideas.

Watching each naked woman try to fill time with only a cigar and royalty-free saxophone music to-be-determined later is mesmerizing. It's like watching a sexy pigeon go mad inside a Skinner box. They each take turns recording five straight minutes of erotic cigar poses, sometimes taking puffs, but usually just bringing it near their mouths. If you are a silent alien species made out of penises, this is what it will look like when our scientists first try to communicate with you.

Shyra finally cracks the erotic smoking code by giving up. She lays down on a couch and finishes her cigar. She throws out a couple dry humps whenever she remembers, but it's mostly her relaxing as hard as possible for three minutes. It's very sexy, and the closest any of the ladies come to sexual. Obviously a lot of boners will find three confused naked women interesting enough, but this is the only part of the video where I thought, "Okay, this might be pornography."

Now let's take a look at the tone of Carey and Gary's video.

Nude Cigar Smoking wasn't the only 1997 cigar video Carey and Gary were ripping off. They also copied the cigar-lover testimonials from a movie called The Art of the Cigar. It's precisely this, a bunch of information about cigars, but has interviews with Joe Pantoliano, Dolph Lundgren, Paul Sorvino, and Jim Belushi. They each tell pointless, uninteresting stories about what cigars mean to them and how they got started enjoying them. Personally, I don't get it. If you told me you were interested in why Jim Belushi likes cigars, I would cave your head in and tell the scientists listening that their simulation is a fucking joke. But Carey and Gary couldn't even get Jim Belushi. They got LLOYD.

Lloyd has the personality of a potato being drained by a homemade clock, and his grandfather gave him an extra cigar once. He didn't like it, this is the story they open the video with, and I've told you all of its relevant parts. The subtext of Lloyd's story is, "Don't help, it's too late for me. Let this old potato die."

They also interview NICOLE, who drinks martinis and smokes cigars. You already know this, but she presents every detail about herself like she's bragging. Nicole is the worst, and anyone not producing a video about the swinging cigar lifestyle would recognize that instantly.

DAN is a dreamer. He was not prepared to give a monologue about cigars, because who would be, so he lets his stray thoughts turn to whimsy and flow from his mouth. The first time he smoked a cigar, he got a sensation. It was sort of a high, but very calm. Dan continues for some time, describing something so far from the effects of cigars it's probably a cognitive disorder. I was expecting the camera to pan over to a man in a bloody butcher's apron saying, "As you can see, Constantino is still capable of speech after I removed nearly two pounds of his brain. His name is not Dan."

HARRIS likes the aroma. And the taste. Harris isn't used to people listening to him for this long, and again he enjoys the aroma. It's worth reminding everyone they are making a video that has already been made twice, once with Jim Belushi and once with nude women. And these motherfuckers were like, "Let's keep all 30 seconds of Harris explaining smells."

Up next is DEAN. And Dean is going to level with you, if Dean has a cigar in his hand, Dean is going to smoke it. I love Dean. He is so default I can't imagine describing him or remembering him, yet Dean seems to think Dean's reputation as a cigar man precedes him. He's wonderful.

SAM left most of his skull in Korea and his hair piece is on too tight. He gives three different historical quotes, none of them about cigars, and trails off telling the floor how cigars started long ago. It's the perfect interview. I would trade a thousand Deans for one Sam.

They throw to JAMES HOLDER, professional tobacconist, who explains how buying cigars works. First, you tell your tobacconist what kind of cigars you like. Next, you discuss price. I realize now I'm making this sound brief, but this takes a very long time and the process repeats several times. It is absolutely fucking insane these people thought anyone would need this information, much less make it through it without a clumsy strip tease. "Maybe try a take with your dick out, James," I tell my VCR. Which reminds me, we should check back in with the cigar enthusiasts who did it right.

Cathy St. George gets into her underwear to tell us the different types of cigars. They have different lengths, girths, and colors, and her co-stars have at least one dick joke for each. These ladies are having so much fun.

Carey and Gary walk you through the types of cigars by pausing the camera, putting one on a desk, and letting a robot voice describe the length and ring gauge. The robot makes no dick jokes. Oh, does a Corona have a 42 ring gauge? Eat shit, Gary. Look at how the Nude Cigar Smoking ladies explained the same thing a year before:

A milf in her birthday sex teddy penetrates holes with each type of cigar while her half-naked friends leer at every filthy second. What educators. "I really like how you demonstrated the various ring gauge sizes," I would honestly tell these beautiful women. They are so much better at this than Carey and Gary.

Wait, stop, what? I think Carey and Gary heard me, because they suddenly took off their clothes.

They say cigars taste better depending on where you smoke them and appear in a hot tub with two malfunctioning women eager to let them explain the differences in leaf color and lighting methods. "What are sii-gahr?" they wonder in amazement.

"Is size of ci-gar important?" one of them asks. Gary responds with desperate laughter.

"I THOUGHT SIZE DOESN'T MATTER," he screams, locking a satisfied smile onto his face for the rest of his life. Which means, finally, after fifty references to the thickness and length of these phallic things you suck with the boys, this video is doing dick jokes. They saved it all up for this manic annihilation of Gary's own sexual potency right in front of his bikini babe. I have no cute insult to add. A man with this body, hairstyle, personality, and sense of humor shrieked about his small penis as if he'd been waiting his whole life to do it. "It appears my cigarillo and I have caught you plebeian females in a lie," Gary chuckled.

"He's right," Carey added. "The cigarillo, of course, being the smallest type of cigar with a ring gauge far lower than a satisfying penis."

What happens next is beyond reason, and you won't believe me. Still, I have to try to explain.

The girl on the left, who wasn't given a name, looks at the baffling stick she's holding and asks, "So what are the different parts of a cigar?" Carey and Gary respond by leaving. Where the shit are they going? To get an overhead projector? To find two women who aren't legally first graders?

No. They run in to find tobacconist Don Bartalone to ask him urgently what the different parts of a cigar are. It's insane. They've been hosting a cigar video for twenty minutes! They were recently lecturing us about the tobacco flavor profiles from different regions of Paraguay, and now they don't know what to call the pointy part of the tube?

What is going on? There aren't any jokes, so this can't be a comedy skit. Which means they put together this tortured scene to, what, show off their bodies? Carey is built like a 7-year-old bully and Gary looks like he answers "45" when his doctor asks "how many years have you been eating SpaghettiOs twice a day?" I don't know, I probably wouldn't have mentioned this if they hadn't sacrificed their credibility and the entire premise of their video to get their shirts off.

By the way, none of that was the crazy part. The crazy part is that here are these topless men, mullets still wet from the hot tub, urgently needing the names of all the cigar parts before the girls they left in the hot tub leave, and tobacconist Don Bartalone responds by saying, "It depends."

It depends!? Don, did you say the parts of the cigar fucking depend!?!?

I don't know how they did it, but in this scripted infomercial for cigars, they got me very suspicious that this professional cigar master has no idea what he's doing. Don mumbles something and starts slowly pulling a cigar apart. I would bet my life this man is stalling for time while he figures out what to name this object he's seeing for the first time. There are bikini babes waiting, Don. What the fucking fuck is this video, Carey and Gary.

After tearing apart one cigar, they don't agree on any names for the four, wait sometimes three parts of the cigar.

So Don tears apart several more. As he does, this wise tobacco guru Carey and Gary abandoned their dates to find says, and I swear this is a real quote, "LOOK INSIDE. SEE IT'S ALL... LITTLE PIECES OF CIGAR."

"Little pieces of cigar?" Is that the technical term, Don? This is 100% a bus station masturbator who convinced two Cincinnati nerds he was a tobacco expert, and ripping a box of cigars into debris did not give him away. Speaking of destroying cigars, here's what's going on back in the hot tub:

This never comes up again. These high-rolling cigar experts helping us navigate nutty smoke robustness by ring gauge size and country of origin couldn't tell when two bimbos dumped their entire humidor into chlorine human soup.

I'm skipping ahead, though. Right now, Carey and Gary finally get back in the water. One of the girls dutifully asks the same question again, still more curious about cigar parts than where these men have been for an hour and a half. "Binder, wrapper, and filler!" Gary tells them. Nothing, is their reaction. At least one of them should have died from disappointment, but no. Nothing.

Carey's girl drops another cigar which Carey uses to explain how cigars grow white mold if they get too wet. She finds this extremely sexy. And good for Carey, but here's a list of things I wouldn't do to a woman who finds white mold sexy: fuck her.

So Carey and Gary abandoned their dates to learn what you call the stuff inside the round, brown part, destroyed several cigars, had their own supply of cigars destroyed, then came back to do some light mold foreplay. Here's how Nude Cigar Smoking taught their audience the parts of a cigar:

It's not fucking hard, guys. "Foot." "Head." "Cap." Heather's boobs. You're done.

We're almost through with these tapes, but we still need to learn how to cut a cigar.

The ladies of Nude Cigar Smoking tell you all the ways you can cut the tip off while a pervert explores their bodies. It's weird, but good weird. Here's how Carey and Gary present the information:

Carey and Gary decide the ladies are ready for the final step. Gary says, "Girls, if you're gonna smoke those, you have to cut the ends first!" These women have spent all day getting tobacco blends and girth mansplained to them by the grossest guys at the ski lodge, and after hearing this last bit of wisdom, they each eat their cigar. What a perfect way to tell these clowns to fuck themselves. They're heroes.

Gary, the man who smoked 11 cigars soaked in rented hot tub water without noticing, has one more tip to add. He wants you to make sure you "use an ignition source which is least likely to taint the cigar's flavor."

Carey blurts, "Taint, what do you mean taint, ah, never mind."

What? Carey, what the shit? I mentioned earlier how these men only made one dick joke the entire video, and I assumed that came from a Christlike restraint. But to force 15% of a taint joke after the mere mention of the word? I have to reevaluate everything. I think these guys might just be stupid. During all those easy openings, they simply never made the connection between the hot moist rods between their lips and cigars. Anyway, with that, Carey and Gary end their video. Wait, no...

... they bring back the robot lady to clarify the definition for every cigar term. Including advanced brain busters like "PREMIUM CIGAR."

"PLUG," the robot reminds viewers. These blowhard dipshits living the fastlane cigar lifestyle could have ended their video any way they wanted, and this is what they chose. This has all the utility and showmanship of Steven Seagal falling asleep during a girdle fitting. I don't know what that joke even means. Eat shit, Gary.

"TOOTH," explains the robot, now badly malfunctioning.

"VEINED," the robot says to the sound of zero dick jokes. "HAIRY BALLS, YOU SONS OF BITCHES. FLOPPY, SLOPPY DONGS." It somehow knows the most important part of the cigar video is still missing. "TOOTH. TOOTH."

As if there was any doubt, Nude Cigar Smoking has a spectacular ending. It pans up and down Heather's cigarless naked body as the credits grow increasingly erotic and hilarious.

If someone said, "Hi, I'm Lester Wisbrod," you wouldn't ask them what they do. You might ask them if they do it professionally, but you already know they take pictures of naked women.

"Some day my name will be in lights," said aspiring filmmaker Clyde Young. "Wait, no, that's better," he agreed.

They put the wardrobe credit over a naked woman in a video about naked women. Put this screenshot in the Louvre. Put this video in the Smithsonian. VEINED.

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