Upse- LEARNING DAY??: How to Prepare and Administer Hypnotic Prescriptions

Let me start off by saying something I declare often and mean every time: I found the fucking craziest book. It was written by a magician in 1969, and it's a textbook for a hypnosis academic program which probably never existed. Its stated goal is for you to get a career as a genuine hypnotist healer, here in this world where sorcery isn't real, and every lesson is derailed by the author's many personality disorders. I can't wait to show you How to Prepare And Administer Hypnotic Prescriptions - A Textbook For The Hypnotherapist by Arnold Furst.

The book's 208 pages are broken up into thirteen chapters that sound pretty organized when you first look at the table of contents. But it's not. This "textbook" is a chaotic collection of anecdotes written by a madman and liar. Most of the sections aren't even about the thing they say they're going to be about, or instantly meander off into another topic. To be faithful to this radical teaching style, I'll be keeping the lessons in more or less the same order. Let's begin, hypnosis students.

Arnold Furst talks a lot about Lester Kashiwa, a doctor who used hypnotherapy in his practice. A lot of the "lessons" in this book are based on patients he "treated." This one, "Warts," is one of his. Sorry for all the air quotes. I'm very sarcastic, and this is all extremely stupid.

Instead of showing you how to eliminate warts with mind powers, like a normal book, Arnold starts his Warts section with a brief history of warts. And what balls he has, as a hypnotist, to make fun of "spells" as "superstitious rigamarole" before telling the reader warts can't be cured by ointment, except they can be cured by garlic, except wait-- there's a better way: weird whispering. Which brings us to the tale of 17-year-old Akana.

I don't know what life was like in 1969, but I get the sense it was fucking absolutely crazy if a kid could go to the doctor to for a checkup and hear, "You can't play football until I hypnotize your warts off." And afterwards, the story written about it was not "QUACK ARRESTED IN DERANGED TEEN WART SCANDAL." The story written about it went in a textbook. And in case you're wondering, yes, the "hypnotic prescription" of telling his warts to go away worked perfectly. Arnold assumed we had no reason to doubt the word of the man entrancing young warted patients, so no photos or proof is included. In fact, no photos or proof are included at any point in this book. I guess Arnold thought, "Lester's mind made the sleeping boy's skin smooth, so smooth, who would dare question it?"

As a hypnotist, the one thing Arnold hears the most is "Strange wizard, please reprogram the mind of my urine-soaked child." It happens so often he knows exactly what you mean when you invite him over for a "home cooked meal." He's like, "I know what that's code for. Alright, give me the wet kid."

This Bed Wetting lesson shows another quirk of Arnold's storytelling. In his anecdotes, he's always a world famous hypnotist who has saved the world many times with his powers, but at the same time he's always showing people hypnosis for the first time and reluctant to use his well-known abilities. So here a family invites Arnold, the renowned hypnotist who they admire, into their home to hypnotize their child, and then they ask him if there's anything he can do. He suggests, "Hmm, you know what might work? Hypnosis!" Like, yeah, you dumb fuck. You think they invited you over because they only have a four-person ham banana jello mold?

So he eats their food, does this little dance, and get this-- IT DOESN'T WORK. The kid is still wetting the bed.

I'm glad this story went off the rails because it demonstrates Arnold's major flaw-- he has crippling narcissistic personality disorder. He will yell at a bed wetting third grader over the phone for not being properly hypnotized rather than admit he failed. Arnold Furst got into hypnosis because he likes to dominate people, and I'm not sure if this means anything, but a suspicious amount of them pee on themselves.

So after the big strong hypnotist insisted to the meek boy, "I fucking hypnotized you and it fucking worked," his bed wetting was cured! I called Arnold a liar earlier, and he is, but he does seem weirdly forthcoming when he talks about how impatient he is with moist little shits who can't even get hypnotized right.

I'm sure Bobby turned out okay. After all, his parents invited his bully hypnotist over several times a year so they could discuss how he used to pee the bed.

Let's jump ahead to CHAPTER TEN which includes hypnotic prescriptions specifically for students.

Handsome and fit hypnotist, Arnold Furst, was working out at the gym when a teenage boy recognized the world famous, very strong hypnotist. "Hypnotize me so I can get girls!" the boy asked.

"Oh, I'm not a hypnotist," replied the powerful hypnotist. "I only teach hypnosis to soldiers in the Korean war and dentists," added the man who fucking hypnotizes people all the time.

"What the goddamn shit is happening," mumbled the man reading this book.

Arnold never plays hard to get for long, so he went into a back room of the gym with this underage boy he just met and put him to sleep. I know how that sounds, but it was for sex reasons. While Ward was in a trance, Arnold told him he will get good grades because nothing in this book fucking makes any sense. It's not what he wanted, but it worked. Five months later they ran into each other at the gym and Ward told him he was getting good grades. However, he said the other students were upset with him because they felt getting entranced by the mental dentist trainer in the back of a gym wasn't fair to them, the kids studying the old fashioned way. Years later, Ward went on vacation to Mexico City and met a girl who had sex with him. So one more victory for hypnosis, and again, this is a textbook.

As a hypnotist, another thing students will come to you for help with is their disfiguring birthmarks. And this lesson is a great example of how sometimes the treatments can work too well. Obviously, you couldn't recolor a human face using 1960s hypnosis technology, but you could turn that ugly son of a bitch into a fuck machine. Arnold doesn't even make a guess as to what happened here. His patient has a harem of high school girl sex slaves now, and I've seen enough comic book ads to know that's the ultimate goal of any hypnotist.

Okay, let's learn how to cure anxiety. As a mentalist, you'll often get patients referred to you because other doctors won't accept them until they... oh no. Oh my god. U-until they get their... homosexuality treated by a hypnotist? And let's say that's a world that existed ever. Would you, as the bigot psychiatrist, send your patient to get his gay cured by the hypnotherapist who specializes in Horny Gym Strangers and Lads Who Pee?

So Edward, desperate to cure his anxiety and navigating this awful world as best he can, goes to Arnold and tells him "Here's the deal, mind wizard, but please only cure my anxiety, NOT my gay." Let's see how it goes.

God damn it, Arnold. His hypnosis did nothing for Edward's anxiety and accidentally cured his gay. And then, after screwing this up as hard as possible, he made this tragic, stupid failure the textbook way for future hypnotherapists to treat Anxiety Complex. A spectacular achievement.

You probably figured this guy would use hypnosis to cure acne. I only included this lesson because I thought it was funny how the man who will hypnotically cure anyone's warts, homosexuality, bed wetting, or full balls if you run up and ask for his autograph at the gym opens his acne section with "hypnotherapy is something I seldom suggest." You idiot, you dumbshit moron, you're using it as an alternative to soap!

This Acne treatment (telling someone's acne to go away) is from the Prescriptions for Psychological Problems chapter of the book. Let's see another hypnosis-treatable illness from this section...

gasp

So, Jesus, after comparing a teenage girl with a learning disability to psychopaths, Arnold tells a long story about how pissed off he was at her brothers and sisters for being noisy while he was trying to hypnotize her. Then he gave up. He told her parents she "was not mentally retarded but mentally defective and they said that this was something they had suspected." It's the special education equivalent of curing a gunshot wound by renaming it Kingsley the Hole: Boy Detective.

In the end, Arnold has no idea if he did anything, but he's pretty sure he cured her a little bit. In his conclusion, and again this is a textbook, he says, "The fact that Fumiko no longer ignored our presence and asked to be photographed with us and stood with her arm about my waist and smiled as she waved to us, seemed to indicate some degree of improvement." So to be clear: Arnold admits she's still suffering from whatever, but he can tell she's sort of into him. I think we should move on to another Psychological Problem Arnold has treated with hypnosis...

Okay, this one has some twists, so get ready. Arnold doesn't trust deaf people because most of them are faking which is a perfect time to remind you this is a textbook.

Arnold meets an opera singer who asks him to help him sing better. It's a pretty mundane request from someone whose great powers might cure gay by accident, and Arnold makes sure the reader is aware of his disappointment.

Like me, the man who found zero Google matches for deaf opera singers named Rudolph, Arnold was suspicious. Rudolph seemed more interested in how impossible it would be to hypnotize him since he, as he claimed, couldn't hear. Would not being able to hear his commands make the deaf immune to his mental abilities? Ridiculous. Only the mentally defective and the anxious part of anxious homosexuals are immune to Arnold's powers. There can be only one conclusion: there is no such thing as deaf.

And so the battle of wits begins.

Arnold and Rudolph trade blows. "What'd you say? I'm deaf," said Rudolph. "Then how did you hear me?" countered Arnold. "Oh, shit," said the brilliant hypnotist's outsmarted opponent. It was all a setup for his final mental attack:

HE THREW HIS HANDS HYPNOTICALLY AT HIS FACE AND SHOUTED SLEEP!

And it worked. This is what happens when you fuck with Arnold, and judging by this book, people try it all the time. Fake-deafs and people too cool or smart to be hypnotized are always challenging him to mental duels, and they always lose. So anyway, that's how you cure Deafness, students.

You're probably wondering how to do this Shock Technique yourself. Well, I have good news and bad news. He tells you how to do it in the final chapter on Rapid Induction Techniques, but these are the instructions in their entirety:

That's all there is to it. You jump at them (ages 16 and up) and shout "sleep!" because sometimes Arnold mistakes deaf people for Tennessee fainting goats. So besides acne and deafness, we have a few more important Psychological Problem treatments to look at...

You'll get this a lot as a hypnotherapist: "Help! Sir! I'm afraid of dentists, but not brain magicians!" Luckily, it's as simple as sneaking up on them, screaming for them to sleep, and telling their unconscious body it has nothing to fear (from dentists).

Some people have silly fears like "throat cancer." A Filipino pineapple picker named Pedro read in a newspaper that smoking many cigarettes caused throat cancer, so he went to Lester Kashiwa to see if he could trick his brain into being like it was before he learned that. Instead, Lester gave him the prescription of "A simple statement of facts." It's not clear what those facts were. However, it's heavily implied by the surrounding text that Lester and the author don't agree with medical studies. So I think Lester told Pedro, under hypnosis, to smoke as much as he wants because those cancer dummies don't know anything about cigarettes. This is supported by the next entry, Fear of (just regular) Cancer:

You probably caught how Pedro, the foolish idiot who reacted to facts in a newspaper, picked fruit for a living. But did you know professional people can also have irrational fears of cancer? What follows this thesis is two chittering pages of insanity about Arnold inviting this doctor to watch him hypnotize Ernie, "the High School boy who lived across the street from [him]." This inspires him to find his own hypnotherapist who then cures him of Fear of Cancer by telling him only, "You will go home and then you will think of the proper course of action you should take." I feel like I will never stop being amazed by the absolute madness of this book. Speaking of, some situations call for immediate hypnosis. Let's read from Chapter Thirteen - Prescriptions Used in Emergencies.

As a practicing hypnotherapist, you're going to get some patients requesting help with their head, face, and neck being covered with molten tar. It sounds crazy, but it happened to a man named Lee Kato which is strange because that's a Chinese surname for a first name and a Japanese surname for a last name in a book about impossible things written by a liar while the Green Hornet was on TV starring Bruce Lee as Kato.

When you had a menstrual emergency in 1955, there was only one place to go-- your hypnotherapist. If he starts taking your blood and you have a seizure, don't worry about it. "Where was I?" wonders the author. "Oh, right. Menstral Cramps." Come on, Arnold. You're writing some magician undergrad's textbook. Stay on topic. This isn't even his worst digression. One guy came to Arnold to get his premature baldness cured, only he turned out to be an amateur hypnotist who secretly didn't care about hair loss and only wanted to see if he could resist Arnold's enchantment. Then Arnold stopped his book to smugly describe how he defeated and ultimately hypnotized this fool for four pages. And then he didn't even try to cure his baldn-- oh, crap. Now I'm doing it. Okay, back on topic. Hypnosis emergencies!

This story is great because a kid came to Dr. Kashiwa for a severely broken face and Arnold, "feeling so useless" offered to hypnotize the boy. He said no, but Lester was like, "Are you nuts? This weird guy hanging around my X-ray machine is offering you a $25 value! You're throwing away a fortune, you shrapnel-jawed little shit!"

"This patient was complaining about dying of liver cancer. He had an interest in gardening and puzzles. I took away his morphine and watched him die. He was not a birdwatcher." - A note found next to the body of William Chan signed by someone named Arnold

"This man is bleeding internally! Get to a local high school gym and find me a loitering hypnotist!" - 1958's Greatest Surgeon

"I'm in a lot of pain. I'm going to stop by my hypnotist on the way to the dentist." - 1967's Greatest Tooth Genius

I'm worried I'm stressing you out with all this urgency. Let's skip ahead to Chapter Fifteen - Prescriptions For Sexual Problems.

So during a boat ride, Arnold met a 45-year-old professor at a Woman's university who told him he cums too fast when he's with young girls. So he asked if Arnold could help him have sex with his exciting teen students all night long. And instead of throwing this fucker into the ocean, Arnold says absolutely yes, and for the first time in his book, he gave his patient exactly what they asked for. The man is usually pretty condescending and adversarial, but when you have a cause he believes in, Arnold will fight for you.

Since it's more of a magic trick than a regulated medical industry, there's no doctor-patient confidentiality in hypnosis. So if you're Joe Brown, some guy who can't fuck, your hypnotist might describe you, Joe Brown, in detail while he talks about your no longer noteworthy dick game. "Women used to flatter my sexual power, doctor," said currently unimpressive Joe Brown. "Ha ha, okay, buddy. Let me reword that seventy different ways in this textbook," said his hypnotist.

Let's see what other Sexual Problems Arnold tackles...

Wait, what's Enuresis? Bed-wetting!? Wait wait, Arnold. So the bed-wetting is a sexual thing? This has to be a mistake. Let's read more from this section...

Oh no. Oh fuck.

Arnold immediately asks this teen bed-wetting boy if he masturbates. And when he says no, he asks him five more pages of masturbation and sex questions. This is... holy shit, this is so fucked. I've never seen anything like this. Let's move on.

No! God damn it, Arnold!

Okay, good. This one isn't about wetting the b-- wait, no, looks like this guy came in for Recovery From Prostate Gland Operation and Arnold gave him the bed-wetting treatment.

This one is interesting. Twenty-year-old Howard Adams, whose name is Howard Adams: Chronic Masturbator, came in because he was masturbating so often it was making him week (sp). But instead of removing the cause of the symptoms, Arnold reversed the symptoms. He reprogrammed Howard Adams so his masturbation would now increase his sexual power! Incredible! And it worked great here, but what if the masturbation was more serious? What if it was...

George was masturbating so hard his family sent him to a mental hospital, and I feel like that sentence is worth typing again. George was masturbating so hard his family sent him to a mental hospital. And... I... I don't even know how to warn you about this next part of the story.

His mom caught him masturbating because he always holds his left hand up in the air when he does it!

Now, you or I might have questions after hearing this. Wouldn't she have caught you if your hand was in a normal position? She's seen you do this so much she knows which limbs are your "I'm masturbating" limbs? And after all this time you've never come up with a procedure to avoid impregnating your own wristwatch? Not Arnold. His first question is "Oh, cool. Who gave you the watch?"

And the 15-year-old chronic masturbating asylum prisoner said, "Santa Claus."

His final conclusion as a professional hypnotist? Do not let this fucking kid out of masturbation jail. I love every page of this book.

John Wright, whose dick stopped working, spent the Korean War handlessly climaxing on heroin. Then one day, his army friends invited him to Japan to get more heroin and he said something very close to the words, "No thank you, fellows. I think I can sexually climax using women again." He was wrong.

Arnold describes John Wright's lack of erection over and over for seven pages, one of the longest lessons in the entire textbook. He never mentions any of their therapy sessions having any effect, but he does brag about how this case appeared in a different book, CASE HISTORIES IN HYPNOTHERAPY. The only followup is when he saw John nine years later and asked how many times he's done heroin. "Oh, I don't know. Two or three times, I guess," is all he says, and that's how Arnold ends the story of impotent John Wright, who still does heroin sometimes and whose dick will never work again. You can't win them all, I guess.

In 1962, Arnold diagnosed Mrs. Renolds with Frigidity when she didn't want to have sex with her husband, despite him wanting to have sex with her. Her condition called for radical therapy...

He told her there was only one good reason to have sex with her husband-- to make him happy, like you might if he had a dirty shirt or want of dinner. He goes on and on. It is, by far, his longest Hypnotic prescription. When people come to him covered in molten tar, he'll put them to sleep and tell them, "Relax about the molten tar, guy." Here's a woman who can't stand the touch of her husband and his mantra is, "A woman must know her place as a fuckable housekeeper. In this 4000 word essay we shall explore..."

Like Mrs. Renolds, Mrs. Bill Price was also frigid. But unlike Mrs. Renolds, it was Mrs. Bill Price's idea to come to Arnold to find a cure. Which revealed this interesting hypnolegal fact-- when you get your frigidity treated of your own free will, the medical records use the full name of Bill Price, your sexually offputting husband. But if your husband, Mr. Renolds, brings you there as a prisoner and tells them not to release you until you're ready to fuck, the records only use his limp, dry-dicked last name. Fascinating!

Alright, this should be a normal one. Bobby Smith had strange sexual urges to expose hims-- oh no. Oh my god, Bobby Smith kidnapped a woman at knifepoint, and she only survived because he was... c-confused about... t-the procedure? Arnold, where are you going with this?

Well, not a great place. Bobby was paroled after two years in a mental hospital where they taught him to relieve his murderous frustration with masturbation. So he did. While on the job as a truck driver. But apparently he was holding up his left hand, which was the style at the time, and "a small girl ran by, in pursuit of a ball, and observed him."

We're lucky the author is a liar and none of this happened, but Bobby was then sentenced to six months for indecent exposure and his parents asked Arnold for help. He hypnotized Bobby so he would do better at home work, no second thing, and I'm not making that up. I don't know if he printed the wrong prescription, but according to this textbook, Arnold Furst dedicated two hypnotherapy sessions a week to make sure this two-time convicted sex criminal not attending school got better grades on his home work. Okay, now the book is just blank pages filling up with the letter "E" as I scream into it.

Let's cure some more sexual problems.

One night, Arnold got a phone call from a child molester, who knew his number by heart and called it from jail, to let him know he got caught having sex with a 12-year-old boy. And even this author, who solves molten tar and cancer with hypnosis tells him, "What you have is not a hypnotist problem."

Nothing came of this conversation and I'm not sure why Arnold included it, and unrelated to it, Stan was given three years probation and then Arnold hypnotized him to be a bisexual and eat whatever food he wants. There was no... hold on, let me make sure... right, Arnold didn't try to cure him of any of the child predator stuff. So to recap, if you're learning how to eliminate homosexuality with hypnotherapy, this guy got a call from a sex criminal in jail, maintained a relationship with him for many years, and used his godlike abilities to teach him how to be a better cook and bisexual. This is getting dark. Let's do a fun o-- god damn it.

This one is a nightmare. Arnold tells a three page story about how William asked a woman find him a 12-year-old girl because he "had been reading about the book called 'Lolita.'" He hadn't even read the actual book! He just heard someone wrote about an underage girl and said, "Anyone, please! Arrange this for me in real life because I hate my wife!"

A strange woman said okay and offered him her daughter from a previous marriage. As Arnold writes, "William concluded that the woman was lacking in maternal instincts." Then Arnold spends most of page 156 and 157 graphically describing every sensual moment of the encounter. You have to trust me, because I'm not going to scan it. Anyway, well into third base, it turns out to be a trap! Two cops were hiding in the closet, making very much fucking sure they had enough to make an arrest. I hate this book.

Arnold, oddly siding again with the pedophile in the story, complains that California law wrongfully allows police officers to entrap sex offenders. Suddenly an expert on all the laws regarding this type of thing, Arnold writes, "Mouth-genital contact is recognized as a form of insanity according to California Penal Code." He explains this would let William Franklin enter an insanity plea as a defense, which again, seems like a suspicious amount of child molestation legal protection for a hypnotist to know.

If you were worried about poor William Franklin, he was released after a year in a mental institution to receive hypnotherapy treatment. Arnold dedicated it to getting William to drink less despite every step of his premeditated sex crime taking place while he was sober. We can't end on that one. Let's do a fun o-- no!

Ralph Wester, child molester, started out as a mere desert man with needs. And when his wife's hysterectomy doctor told them she couldn't have sex until she was healed, Ralph disagreed. His side of the argument was so convincing his wife fled, so Ralph did what any character in the imagination of a hypnotist author would do, with more detail than anyone should be comfortable including. So let's not talk about that. Let's talk about the root of Ralph's problem-- his awful wife's unappealing hands.

Ralph was taught that masturbation was dangerous, even if it's someone else's hand, so he had sex with a child, "but actually [he does] not have any sexual problems." During the war, this wasn't a big deal since he could have sex with the fellas. Anway, Arnold put him under and hypnotically suggested giving the handjob stuff another try. There was no effort to fix any of his other issues, and this has gotten too dark for jokes, but at least we've seen the worst How To Prepare And Administer Hypnotic Prescriptions has to offer and next time I say let's do a f--

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