Fucking Day: Kissing, The Complete Guide

Kissing! Are you worried you know a teenager who might be considering it? Have I got a book for you! It's a book for horny, embarrassed pre-teens that will give them purposely wrong information and ensure they remain virgins forever. It's a PSYOP by a youth pastor who caught his daughter watching Titanic and panicked. That Leo Dicaprio was far too moist for his taste, and she's still in his dating age range!

Maybe a lot of this didn't resonate with me because I never stressed about my first kiss. One day I was having a little nap in the outfield at a tee-ball game (as one does), and the coach sent his son out to wake me up and remind me there's no napping in baseball. His son, my fellow teammate and next-door neighbor, decided to accomplish this by kissing me. So, naturally, I decked him. He thought that was funny, kissed me again; we got into an all out brawl, the coach had to run onto the field and tear us apart. You know, the typical first kiss story.

The author of this book meant to answer everything you've always wanted to know about kissing and were afraid to ask, introduces herself with an anecdote about how she wasn't kissed until she was sixteen, which made me doubt her qualifications. I was playground married and divorced three times at that point. I spent years paying pretend palimony to three real deadbeats who didn’t even have custody of our shared Beanie Babies. Thank God I got my imaginary law degree, or I could never have afforded it.

I still decided to give Tamar Schreibman the benefit of the doubt and see if she had any good advice to offer on kissing. Immediately, a passage appeared in this book as abrupt and humiliating as a magician in a puff of smoke yelling, "FOOL," and made me realize it was the wrong decision. The book has little boxes off to the side with kissing facts, like a textbook for smooches. One of them lists the best music to kiss to, and on that list is the entire soundtrack to You've Got Mail.

Hotdog friends, I looked up the soundtrack to You've Got Mail. The third song is "Splish Splash." Do you think Bobby Darin ever thought, as he was writing his 1958 novelty song about a man taking a bath during a party, that anyone would ever call it one of the sexiest songs of all time? There's a Randy Newman song on that sucker. This is clearly kiss sabotage.

There's no rhythm to any of the songs on the You've Got Mail soundtrack. I know frightened teenagers probably shouldn't be going hard to "Get Low" or whatever, but the guy with the silly voice from Toy Story is definitely bringing any hot makeout sesh to a screeching halt.

Also, I'm sorry you might think it's safe to say everything Jennifer Lopez sings is sexy, but I can see that ending in some poor misguided teens sucking face to "The Star Spangled Banner." The advice in this book needs to be clear and specific, or accidents will happen. For instance, in chapter 12, "Getting In The Mood," the book suggests places to kiss, like dances and the movies, but it also lists outside?

Teenagers are always in the mood, which is why you shouldn't tell them to go make out outside. You can be outside of your grandma's nursing home. You can be outside of a holocaust museum or a county jail. There are plenty of places "outside in general" that are not great places to kiss, and these children are coming to this book for advice! The writer of this book is really toying with young mouths.

There's a section on kissing games that includes classics like spin the bottle and seven minutes in heaven. Then they add something called "post office" that sounds like it was made up by a Mormon mom writing a cautionary Lifetime original movie about the dangers of touching lips. Special Delivery: Mono next Saturday on Lifetime.

I didn't go to a ton of makeout parties as a teen, but from what I recall, there was very little miming postal work involved in kissing. That's not a game. Usually, the game part of a kissing game is in the selection of the person you kiss. The thrill of hoping you get to kiss someone you like, the danger of kissing the person who just got over mono. Post office, from what I can tell, provides none of that, and the kid that suggests it is not getting invited to the next makeout party.

Kissing games is by far the weirdest section of the book. My theory is that there's only so much kissing material, so the author is left on stage to vamp with a bunch of lies. There is a section for advanced kissing games, and it's mostly candy.

Kissing someone only to discover they have a mouth full of pop rocks cannot be a pleasant sensation, right? All of that spit and half digested candy would make me feel more like a baby bird than a sexy lady. If you're a kid and you have to do all of this stuff to remain interested in your boyfriend or girlfriend, there's a great solution called break up! You're children, don't momma bird Pop Rocks into each other's mouths! Move on! I should write my own guide to kissing; I'm fantastic at this.

One thing I liked about this book was that it reminded me of a blissful time in the early 2000s when you could say, "according to a survey," and everyone would just believe this survey existed and said what you asserted it did. Even if the sample size was undisclosed, and the question made no sense at all.

If someone asked me if I would rather kiss or star in the latest Batman movie, my answer would heavily depend on how attractive the person taking the survey was. A 58% kiss rate tells me they got someone way too hot to administer this survey. This also explains the bonkers answer of people spending at least four hours a day kissing. No one spends four hours a day kissing, but someone might say they did if they were hitting on a survey taker. Stop giving hunks clipboards.

If you've found the rest of this book a little cringy, maybe because it reminded you of your embarrassing teen years, or maybe because it's an adult telling kids how and where to make out, don't worry; I haven't even gotten to the cringiest part yet! While the majority of this book is advice, fake surveys, and incorrect song recommendations, there are also a couple of long sections that are kissing stories written like pre-teen letters to Penthouse Forum.

A Friend Indeed! He loaned a whole human woman to you, Brian! Now that's a friend. Don't mess that up by stealing his girlfriend, you tramp.

Was there ever a world where it was ok for a journalist to cold call people and say, "Hey can I talk to your teenage son? I want to know if he has any cool makeout stories. It's for a book I'm writing. Yeah, sure, he can make them up."

"Hey, is your teenage daughter home, and also, has she ever made out with anyone behind the bleachers at a baseball game? Don't worry; I'm not asking for creepy reasons. I want to publish it in a book where I also suggest kids tongue wrestle to Randy Newman."

When I read this, I was so glad that no one asked me to tell them my makeout stories for a book when I was a pre-teen. What if somewhere out there was a quote from me that is this embarrassing?

Don't tell a journalist you made out with a glass, sweetie! I don't think they should have identified that child in any way. I know there isn't a name and only a location, but Colorado is too specific. Do you know how smart and vicious preteens are today? They will locate that child, and they will call her glass licker until she goes to college.

Maybe that was the intent of this entire book. Only one anecdote in it is real, and it was written to ostracize a child from their peer group so thoroughly they won't get kissed at all until they're firmly into adulthood. When they do finally get that long awaited kiss, they'll try and spice things up with a mouth full of Pop Rocks!

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