Fucking Day: Bible Blowjob: The Sexy Blowjob: Blow Job Like a Pro

The author of the book Bible Blowjob: The Sexy Blowjob: Blow Job Like a Pro, came up with three great book titles and used all of them right away. They were terrified someone might look at this book and think, is this about blowjobs? I can't be certain. I'll have to look to the next line for confirmation. Hmmmm... seems like it is about blowjobs, but I would like one more reassurance before purchasing. Ah yes, I believe I've found what I'm looking for, a book about blowjobs!

What I'm saying is, this book knows its target demographic almost too well. The title seems to advertise to women or men who want to learn to give blowjobs like a pro. However, when you open the ebook, the title at the top is a little different. It says BLOWJOB LIKE A PRO: HOW TO MAKE YOUR WIFE SEXY AND PRO DOING BLOWJOB (THE BIBLE OF BLOWJOB SHORT BOOK 2016). That shout-out to "your wife" suggests to me this book is meant to be the most unwelcome Christmas gift a husband has ever given his spouse.

It's a book designed for men to gift to women as a subtle hint. It may in fact have been written by a woman as a trap for husbands. The author's name is Nancy Smith, and her other titles on Amazon include mostly romance novels and The Jaden Smith Quiz Book. So, her motives are absolutely impossible to speculate on. She is a being of chaos. The one thing I can tell for sure is that whoever wrote this book thinks only absolute morons are going to buy it. That's why it begins in the sexiest possible way, a lengthy legal disclaimer!

Hell yeah! This sex book thinks the knowledge it contains could be dangerous, and honestly, I have to agree. Due to a lot of broken English and the delicacy of the suggested work area, you could get yourself in real trouble if executing some of the suggested maneuvers poorly. For instance, there's a section called:

Yes, this book written for idiots and women who love them might suggest that the man will be disappointed if you don't chop off part of his member. Luckily it's almost impossible to fully tell what it's saying. It's written like an ACT question about double negatives. Tim will be disappointed if you don’t not want to chop any part of his member. Do you A.) Chop all of Tim's member, B.) Chop some of Tim's member, C.) Scream erotically at Tim’s penis.

That’s some next level stuff, though. At the start the book is simple, elegant. It explains to its target audience, women who’ve had this book foisted upon them like a cursed child, why men enjoy blowjobs and it does that as if women have never even heard of a penis before. It’s essentially a health class pamphlet written by an unconvincing teenage boy and slipped into his girlfriend's backpack.

Among the many dubious claims about blowjobs this book makes is the idea that "oral contact with men helps destress women" and makes them look younger, literally! I don't know what research study proved that, because if getting cum on your face really made you look younger, Nancy Reagan would have died with the face of a 17-year-old. But whether semen works as an age-defying moisturizer or not, the main virtue of blowjobs, according to the author, is that they will make men be nice to you!

First of all, who calls going down on a woman "a tribute"? The only people who get tributes are angry Greek gods and bad Jimmy Buffet concerts, and I don't want to associate my pussy with Jimmy Buffet. I will let it pass this one time because the author later refers to blowing a dude as "paying homage to his penis," which is equally unsettling.

I worry that if we don't pay it homage, his penis may ruin the harvest! The language in this book is overly formal about everything, not just the terrifying and almighty power of genitals. I don't mean to say that it's in any way prudish. It's a book that tells you to give your partner head in a restaurant. It's not classy, but it's kind of trying to be. Sort of like a chimpanzee wearing a little top hat. This is the chimp in a top hat of blowjob books.

However, there are some things Nancy Smith found simply too graphic to discuss in her instructional blow job manual. She writes about a technique called the Greek kiss with the innocent eyes of a schoolgirl. You'll have to Google it yourself because it involves a butthole, and that's beyond her territory, she says. Dear reader, I did not Google it.

You have to wonder how the Greeks feel about that name. I understand why they don't put it on their tourism posters. "Greece: home of oral simulation in his anal parts" doesn't sound quite as good as "Greece: the birthplace of democracy," but one of those two is probably going to attract more travelers! Just sayin', Greece.

There is some advice in this book that I like. For instance, the advice to not listen to all of the advice in the book. Some things you can't learn by reading! Which is to say, you might not be book smart, but you could be blowjob smart.

Ok, I usually try not to let these insane sex books make me feel insecure, but…are…are blowjobs supposed to be a real Carrot Top situation? What props are we talking? The book never goes on to explain this, and I'm not going to lie-- I'm curious! Am I supposed to pull out a tiny hair dryer and say, "It's a blow job! Get it?”

It's not a good idea to write a blowjob instruction manual for idiots and leave out something as crucial as what the props are supposed to be! There should be more details; room for confusion is why they had to put that legal disclaimer at the beginning. Blowjob accidents account for 40 percent of deaths in men ages 18-25 who purchased this book! That's nearly one deaths!!!

As you read on you start to realize the writer of this book considers blowjobs almost an attack. They say blowjobs give you a "sneaky advantage in sex life" that will lead to "more perks." These perks aren't specified, but I'm assuming they consider perks things like "man take you to romantic movie instead football game," or something of equal or greater sexism. They even suggest blowjobs are best administered in the same manner as guerilla warfare.

I have to say I don't love the description of sex as a "surprise attack." Let's think about the language there and probably tweak it! While we're at it, I would also say restaurants and movie theaters are not that surprising! If you want to really surprise someone with a blowjob, take them to a performance of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. They'll never see it coming. And if they do, leave them.

When the advice isn't too vague, or unreadable, or telling you to reach into your soul to find the blowjob within, it's so weirdly detailed you can tell the author felt almost sorry for the idiots buying this book. For instance, the section on sex tapes that tells you to do a lengthy pretend interview live on the scene of a dick sucking assumes you will accidentally post your sex tape to the internet at least eighty percent of the time.

When they say, "a device with social media options," I'm assuming that means anything connected to the internet? So you have to go buy a big 1990s camcorder specifically for blowjobs and blowjobs related interviews? That seems like a big investment for sex when you could, instead, learn to not hit the submit button.

No, that would simply be impossible for someone who looked at a book with blowjob in the title three times and thought, "I will spend a dollar to learn this pro’s wisdom. Teach me your ways Nancy Smith! And afterward quiz me on Jaden Smith's middle name!"

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