Fucking Day: A Bluntly Titled Sex Manual

Most of the sex manuals I've talked about on our award-winning hot dog website were written by desperate virgins or confused wizards. So it's nice to read one by an experienced lovemaker with a purpose-- someone who has boiled their romantic expertise down to one thing:

HOW TO MAKE THAT BITCH SQUIRT was published in 2014 by Andy Yandy, and it is not a trick title. This book set out to do only that. It's not a pickup or romance guide. This is for men already successful with women hoping to add wetness to their horizontal and vertical surfaces. It's for sure-cocked lovers who may call their partners bitches but would do anything to help those bitches climax moister. Beware the robo-promises of Mekano and speaking of warnings you could have never predicted, HOW TO MAKE THAT BITCH SQUIRT does contain some strong language.

Andy understands women since he understands himself, and he wants to get off. Women have told him sex can still be nice without an orgasm, but he finds that ridiculous. Sex needs to spurt fluids or it's just an off-the-books pelvic exam. He thinks he's leveling with the reader, as a master lady penetrator, about their manly responsibility, but what Andy has accidentally done is admit he's failed to satisfy many lovers and doesn't believe what women say. In the squirting community they call this, "not a great start!"

So women are like him and he likes to ejaculate, it doesn't seem complicated, but in the very next paragraph Andy decides you don't get it. He tries to help you understand women through your own experience. For instance, do you like it when you don't have an orgasm? In his words, "fuck no." Well, now you understand women, at least as well as Andy does. Sorry if this is hard. It would be a lot easier to explain if we had a turkey baster and a sleeping bag.

By the third paragraph, Andy is worried the reader doesn't really care if their partner is enjoying herself. He briefly appeals to their virtue-- make her squirt, seeker of knowledge, for there is a universal moral value in happiness! He abandons this immediately after remembering what he named his book. "Good things are good" might fucking fly in The Loving Husband's Guide to Keeping the Romance Alive, but this is HOW TO MAKE THAT BITCH SQUIRT. When you order this book, Amazon says "Customers who bought this product also purchased 16 Inch Slut Knife." So Andy pivots to selling you on ways her climaxes help you.

Andy already knows you know women are the least faithful gender, but he reminds you anyway. And what does a loose woman do when you've dryly invaded her to no effect? That's right-- more sex. Or maybe the same amount of sex, but less of it with you. It's not a great argument, but it's fine for this debate against the imaginary person who hates making women orgasm. I bought the book, Andy, which means I've already seen the value in draining my wife's balls.

Look, none of this squirting stuff is hard. Lady squirting authors might tell you it requires chemistry or some bullshit for a bunch of useless pages in order to sell their squirting books, but as Andy has mentioned, we don't listen to women. If Andy sounds a little defensive about the size of the book, it might be because it is six pages long. That's not an exaggeration. MAKE THAT BITCH SQUIRT really is six pages long. You've read a third of it already! Which means we know why your terribly disrespected sex partner should squirt. Now Andy Yandy will teach us how to get that frigid piece of trash to un-stupid her holes.

Is he... is Andy mansplaining boners? This love expert went reaching for a joke and fucked it up in every possible direction. "Ha ha, be sure to bring your hard penis with you! Wait, are you familiar with the states of dong? To be safe, let's forget about the jokes and clear up what erections are. It's like my personality disorders always say: the first rule of teaching someone how to pound the goo out of a dirty whore is to talk to them like they're a baby!"

Andy Yandy makes a lot of references to "physics" and "geometry" when what he actually means is "lifting up someone's butt." He isn't smart, though he knows what smart people sound like, but he's wrong for reasons I just mentioned. He's got the condescending tone of someone who thinks they remember high school talking to someone they assume never went, and you'll want to bring the same energy when you sit your woman down for "the talk." Things are about to get very real, squirt summoners.

Most people know this, but squirting is peeing. If you see it in a movie, that lady was peeing. If you made it happen, that lady peed on you. Some probably awkward but fun scientific studies have been done to try to prove there's a non-pee fluid some women can generate and shoot, but these rare cases are close enough to the physiological process of urination it's like calling Corey Feldman a musician. Go ahead, but we all know that's pee. Even the illustrious expert, Andy Yandy, author of MAKE THAT BITCH SQUIRT, seems to know this.

"The talk" Andy wants you to give your lover is about how "quirting" isn't peeing, but it's going to suspiciously feel exactly the same and come out your pee hole. And if you don't evacuate it now, while being carefully jackhammered by the physics and geometry expert, your body will confuse it for regular pee. I'm not saying Andy Yandy has never made a lucky woman squirt, but it would have been more honest to call this book THERE'S AN OUTSIDE CHANCE I'M A SEX MASTER AND NOT A DIAPER: SIX PAGES OF GEOMETRY FICTION.

Let's hear the rest of "the talk."

So the first part of the "the talk" is telling your woman squirting is going to feel like she's peeing, and the second part is to go with that feeling. Let it all out. If she pees all over Andy it should "increase the chances of her squirting." It's functionally no different than handing her a note in Physics class that says "I'M A NAUGHTY TOILET. ps: are you following any of this? none of these science shapes are butts. this is from Andy, by the way. Andy Yandy."

The author devotes the next page to a very graphic description of his go-to sexual technique. He finds the g-spot, using a little something called "mathematics," you plebeian, and goes to town on it. Then, as she approaches orgasm, he pulls out and rubs his dong all over her. I'm taking some of the music out of his words, but that's basically his secret. So it's possible all these squirtings he's been witness to were actually frustrated acts of revenge. He might have accidentally written an instruction manual for milking a cat's anal glands.

Anyway, here's some more of his sex wisdom:

Don't concern yourself with marital aids like lube gobs. Keep on the hole and things will eventually get wet-- everyone has to go pee eventually. By the way, this excerpt was a finalist of the Make My Vagina Seal Up in One Paragraph category of the 2014 World Writing Championships with "If you have been having sex with her for a sufficient amount of minutes, that alone should have made her sufficiently wet," winning Inceliest Sentence by an Andy.

Andy offers some more cautionary advice about sex-- attacking the g spot could lead to awful lower back pressure, or worse. She may tell you she's uncomfortable, but this isn't about her and, again, we don't listen to women. Just use your arms to support some of your weight while you smash that urine-filled harpy into a ball and give her the time of her life.

Andy Yandy wraps things up like you'd expect-- by whining about how women are wrong about their holes. See, they would actually like anal sex if they let Andy do it, now go have fun, the end! It's an abrupt ending to a short book, so I thought I'd try to learn more about this fascinating author.

He only has this one book on Amazon, available for an affordable $0.99. If a dollar seems too much to pay for 15 paragraphs of clumsy golden shower erotica, HOW TO MAKE THAT BITCH SQUIRT is included with any Kindle Unlimited subscription. And great job, Amazon, on an automated system that can't spot "bitch," "squirt," or "length: 6 pages" when deciding if a book is worth promoting. Content-wise, this is like scrolling through Netflix and finding a four second home video of a naked man chasing a cat called Gimme Them Anal Glands (Donne Moi les Glandes Anales).

Andy Yandy seems like the kind of author who wouldn't have an ethical issue creating fake accounts to give himself positive feedback. So maybe we can learn more about him from the reviews?

MysterEO seems like he's bad with women and doesn't know he's confessing to that, so he has a lot in common with Andy Yandy, but I don't think they're the same person.

This guy definitely isn't Andy. He seems too smart, and not confident enough. Andy would have said, "Was intretesting, the author is right that quirting is not pee, specifically science says it's squirt. I only gave it four stars because I am not Andy. ★★★★"

Damn it, a dead end. This isn't Andy. AAgbuya is disappointed that anyone involved in squirting education would sully the field with something as dreary as profit. "How far have we fallen as a society," Aagbuya asks, "when every last part of our life has been bought and sold? Who can own the sky? Who can own the squirting of bitches? Three stars. I think it's just pee, but it might not be."

I checked on Goodreads, but Andy Yandy has no followers, no ratings, no reviews, and this pamphlet is his only "distinct work."

At the bottom of Andy Yandy's profile it asks "Is this you? Let us know," which has the tone of an accusation when your only distinct work is HOW TO MAKE THAT BITCH SQUIRT. The only match Google can find for the name Andy Yandy is a character from Ben 10 fanfiction, which is weird, but may not mean anything. So until "Andy Yandy" the "squirt expert" comes forward, all I can do is end this article the way he ends books. Um, physics and science suggest you would certainly like butt stuff if you tried it, foolish women, bye.

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