Anime Week: How to Draw Sexy Anime Girls! 🌭

There are only two things I appreciate about anime-- the high effort line art and the effortless horniness. So I'm very excited to learn about both from the 188 page art manual, the Sexy Anime DRAWING BOOK: EASY TECHNIQUES AND STEP-BY-STEP ON HOW TO DRAW 29 SEXY ANIME GIRLS by Melody Love (2020).

With that title and that cover, I imagine you have very specific expectations of this book: Melody is going to teach us how to make our own pornography at home. You're not wrong, but I think there's also a mystery story here. I looked up the author and despite her talent and shameless  love of thigh gaps, she's not among the top four most popular Melody Loves. The first is a porn actress, the second is a Puerto Rican activist in Rhode Island, the third is a cosmetics company, and the fourth is a different artist named Melody Love. As far as I can tell, this Melody Love dropped from the stars two years ago to write this book and then went into hiding. Maybe we can learn more from the book's weirdly long introduction?

This is a lot to go on. In only the first sentence we learn Melody hates drawing which is a strange revelation in a drawing book. Still in the first sentence, we also learn Melody doesn't have a problem associating her sexy anime pictures with childhood development. Imagine if someone walked up to you and said, "Kids hate to draw, even sexy, writhing ladies, so you need to beg them. Now that I've established my deal, here is some parenting advice." You don't have to imagine it! Because that's what happened!

This might be nothing more than poor phrasing. Let's keep reading to see if Melody corrects herself.

No, Melody is in fact very specific that it is this book, The Sexy Anime Drawing Book, she wants you to give your child. And she assumes your child is a boy, specifically an insecure boy who really needs a win, even if it means you throwing the big titty drawing competition the two of you are having.

I have to be honest-- this book's introduction is so close to an unformed joke I would make about it that it feels like a prank. If I was sleepy and cranky and you handed me The Sexy Anime Drawing Book, I might actually say, "Ha ha what's the book's intro? Something like, 'remember, perverts, to draw the little girl's vagina bones wrong so you don't discourage any nearby underage pornographers!' Jesus, I went dark, sorry. I hate this anime shit." And yet here it is. Melody Love sincerely said it.

Speaking of Melody Love, I'm starting to think the person named after a porn star who draws male gaze smut for little boys and uses "he" as the default term for people might not be who "she" says they are. And there are more clues found in the titty physics. These drawings are based around a lonely Playstation owner's understanding of how boobs work, not someone who has successfully strapped and unstrapped them from a bra.

"Melody" continues "her" long sales pitch on why you should give topless girl drawing lessons to children. She admits some kids will defy you and draw "a flower and tree, etc" rather than a dirty shaved teen who needs it now. "Don't scold him over this," she says. Every boy goes through a phase where he prefers not to work in his father's pornography sweatshop. She all but comes out and says, "Be patient with him, because that boy was me, dripping hole artist Melody Love."

"Melody Love" isn't done. She is at the point of every crazy person's manifesto where her unspeakable ideals actually make her a hero? And maybe this weird guy named after a woman he sometimes masturbates to is right. Maybe these drawings are how we bridge the communication gap between the perverted and the disabled. I hope not, but let's keep in mind how much we're helping the children as we learn how to draw these naked ladies.

Like her thoughts on preschool art, Melody's style is a bit strange. She puts drawings together by building them out of perfect silhouettes, like an animator who has drawn the same girl showing you her panties thousands of times. Her instructions always begin the same way: first you draw the red lines, then the green, yellow, and blue lines. Since the book was printed in black and white, this advice is less helpful than you'd think. This is someone who can do one thing right, draw children in underpants, and literally nothing fucking else.

Across steps 1 through 8, two full pages of text, Melody offers no useful advice. She has told us to copy six different colors of lines, five of which don't exist, complimented herself on her great drawing, and told us to color it following the example provided which, of course, has no color. It's like this guy heard there were a hundred ways a How to Draw Sexy Anime Girls book could go wrong and he thought, "I'll triple it."

Let's take a look at some more of the other 29 sexy anime gi-- hold on, these steps are exactly the same for every drawing! Look at this:

So this one is a busty girl in an American flag bikini with the body language and eyes of someone unable to move because of some paralytic agent. But instead of expert tips on adding fear to your subject, it's the exact same steps, like almost word-for-word. Melody did 29 porno drawings and then slightly rewrote one set of instructions for all of them. Which means 58 pages of this book are basically identical. I don't even know how to review something like thi-- hold on, there's an About the Author!

Ha ha ha this book was self-published in 2020 and "Melody Love," the natural talent, thought she could create a backstory where she was "a world-known artist" who sold so many paintings she opened her own gallery. This is a huge accomplishment for a pervert flaunting their sex crimes. By the way, I couldn't find any of her art online, but I did find a mention of her gallery after the words "boy long penis feet" on a dot mom website for business mothers.

Let's read more about Melody Love's very real origin story.

Melody, despite achieving all her dreams easily, wanted more. She wanted to share her talent with horny boys of all ages. To educate not t(h)rough lessons, but with step-by-step instru-- hold on, that's what lessons are, you fucking idiot. You goddamn fucking idiot, did you think spacing titty drawings out across several steps was an invention!? A beautiful dream to be pursued by an idle millionaire!?

Here's my feedback: your book is fucking insane and terrible, you maniac pervert! Plus, your name is fake and you forgot to include an email, address, or website! It's a true achievement in failure that you're a hopeful child predator and yet most people will remember you for your stupidity. In the make-believe autobiography you wrote where you could be and do anything, you spent an entire paragraph begging to hear from parents who draw naked women with their kids. And thanks to your spectacular idiocy, you won't.

I guess that's it for this book? Is there something on the back cover that can help make sense of it?

No, just more stuff about drawing nude ladies with kids. Jesus Christ, do they ever shut up about this?

No! In fact, this person is so obsessed with children learning how to draw naked women they add "actually adults love them too" as a last minute sales pitch. Yes, Melody! We know! Normal people consider adults the default audience for "adult material." This is nuts. It's like if a  Pampers commercial said, "Eating cat food out of a wet diaper isn't just for Naughty Andy anymore. Pampers are now available for... babies?"

I feel like this book was too troubling to be fun. Luckily, I predicted an anime drawing manual would be exactly that so I bought a backup. Let's read THE BEST GUIDE BOOK TO DRAWING Sexy Anime: The How to Draw Book You'll Ever Need to Learn Drawing Sexy Anime by Vivian Ice.

This seems more like it. It's got the broken English I want in my manga lesson, and a bunch of fleshy shapes my brain recognizes as anime and thus ignores. The author's name, Vivian Ice, is a little suspicious. She sounds like she should be catching Melody Love with her stepson in a movie called What Her Name FFM Boy Long Penis Feet, but let's give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she's a real person giving real perversion instructions. Let's skip the Googling and Introduction and get straight to the art:

Vivian takes a much different approach to her art lessons. She wants you to construct your porn girl out of crop circles for the first several steps. It helps to think of the female form as a very fussy BattleTech encounter. Vivian suggests drawing your lady's bikini at this point, somewhere near the center of one of the larger circles. In both anime illustration and interplanetary travel, this moist gap is called the mons pubis sector.

After five more steps, you'll see how your circles have turned into a cartoon girl, with more circles used to add terror to her eyes. Wait a second. This is going to sound crazy, but I feel like I know this girl.

Oh, that's how I know her! This is the terrified American flag bikini girl from The Sexy Anime Drawing Book by Melody Love! Both books were published in 2020, so I'm not sure which anime author with a fake pornstar name stole this drawing from the other. Unless... no. No. I need to check this book's introduction.

Oh my god, this guy made up a second fake name to write a second book for children about drawing naked women!? Wait, okay, let's not jump to any conclusions. Maybe Vivian Ice is just a lady who loved drawing this porn book but wouldn't want you to, like, use it with your son.

Okay, she does. Vivian Ice wants you to draw topless girls with your son, and she carefully mentions it several times during the intro and on the back cover.

Vivian/Melody even gives the same tip to let your son feel better about his pornographic illustrations by making sure yours are a little bit worse. I have literally never seen anyone lay out their criminal perversion like this. Vivian Ice is the kind of person who would get caught stealing your clothes at the laundromat and say, "It's not what it looks like! Eating toddler underpants is the only thing that excites me!"

I'm bailing on this book too. Let's never think about Melody Love and/or Vivian Ice again. Luckily, I have many more books in my How to Draw Only Fucked Up section of my library, so I'm going to pick one and do a whole new article starting now. It's not a great time for this, but I want to thank beloved Internet artist Rusty Shackles for his amazing Anime Week art.

Welcome to Anime Week! Thank you, Rusty Shackles, for the custom header art! This book seems close enough to anime: How to Draw Sexy Women: Step-by-Step Guide (2019) by Andy Hopper.

Wait, what's the fucking rest of that fucking title, Andy?

Best Sexy Women Drawing Book for You and Your Kids!? What the fucking fuck!? If this is Melody and Vivian again I'm going to fucking scream. Sigh, let's look at the back cover. Of this titty drawing book:

Aiiieeeeee!!!! This is the exact same copy from Melody and Vivian's books! Only sort of re-written to babble in different directions about how important drawing pornography is to kids!? If this wasn't written from prison, why do we even have laws?

As if you didn't know, the introduction is the same too, but also not quite. And sure enough, this is exactly what it looks like. "Andy Hopper," sometimes known as "Vivian Ice," once known as "Melody Love," self-publishes hundreds of kids books on everything from Star Wars knockoffs to Disney knockoffs to porn illustrating. Andy, or a team of "Andys" blast online bookstores with painstakingly illustrated word diarrhea on the thinnest of profit margins. Ethically and financially, it's the same business model as going door-to-door and offering to eat the tiniest underwear in the house for $11.74.

So it's possible Andy is only a forgetful pervert, not a child predator. These strange intros about nude women being fun for kids might just be the generic boilerplate he puts in the front of all his books, right? No! NO! If that was the case, why would Andy rewrite it every time!? He has made at least three books about erotic art and written original copy explicitly stating they were for children at every conceivable opportunity. He did it on the front cover of this one!

Another funny thing Andy rewrites in every book (many of which are filled with stolen intellectual property) is his "Copyright Notes." This one "hereto refers" to itself as The Book, a good idea when The Book's full title is How to Draw Sexy Women Step-by-Step Guide Best Sexy Women Drawing Book for You and Your Kids. Andy makes it extremely clear that while he is trying to sell pornography to children, you assume all the risk and responsibility found or contained therein, penis feet thusly. Best of luck, Andy!

What the hell, let's look inside:

In Chapter 2, "How to Draw Sexy Woman 2," Andy shows us the proper way to build a dayshift stripper three weeks from retirement using mostly tubes.

She's looking a little rough there, but wait until you see the colored version! And by "colored version," Andy means the same black and white drawing from 16 pages earlier.

"She looks sad, daddy."

"She is sad, sweetheart."

"I want to stop drawing her now, dad."

"I know, son, but look how ugly my naughty nurse is. You're winning the naughty nurse drawing competition! You're the best pornographer in the family!"

"And there it is. All units move in."

"W-what? Son? You were wearing a wire!?"

...

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