Upsetting Day: 101 Things to do During a Dull Sermon

Are you a horny stupid asshole who picked the wrong religion? Did you skip the first sentence when you saw this one ended in let me smell those dirty feet? Did you skip the second sentence because of a lack of focus in general? Is your idea of a joke a cartoon dog eating from a cat dish and thinking, "at least it's better than my wife's meatloaf during tax season!" I think I've proven you don't exist, and yet here is the book made only for you:

101 Things To Do During A DULL SERMON (1984) is precisely what it looks like-- a zany collection of things you can do, but not really, but oh my god wouldn't it be silly if you did, during church. It's written for people who have no reverence for the God they worship, can't relate to people who do, and find mean-spirited disruptions the highest form of hilarity. You're going to fucking hate it, and if you don't, die a thousand deaths, you beast.

The book opens with Jots and tittles, which I admit, sounds interesting. That sounds like a topless knitting fetish or a low-end Australian strip bar. But no, it's Chaplain Tim Sims' suggestion to search nearby paperwork for spelling errors if you ever find yourself bored in church. As advice it's nothing, and comedically speaking, it's closer to coal gas suicide than a joke. Opening your joke book with "copy edit your congregation's internal newsletter, only sincerely-- there's no bit here" is a catastrophic failure. It's like building a restaurant called Diarrhea Auto Parts on a sacred burial ground. There's too much sadness and poor judgment to even begin to address.

Seriously, though; this is the first joke-- the book's inspiration. Which means Chaplain Tim Sims found a typo in his church magazine and thought it was so funny he said, "I'm going to come up with 100 things exactly as funny as the time someone typed 'dianna' instead of 'Diana' and sell it."

Boi-oing! Try this gag next sermon, bird lovers!

Them: "What the hell are you doing? Shut the fuck up."

You: "You look like an ostrich! Let me penetrate you, ostrich!"

This church cutup set out to write one hundred and one zany japes! But it only took eleven before he quipped, "Which of the others will die next? Ten of them will be taken. I will, boi-oing, list the names of the sick and dying."

So Chaplain Tim has made a Bingo card containing the words TRUMPET, BOB MARLEY and AIDS. Keep in mind this was 1984, so the word AIDS, alone and out of context, was only 80% as funny as it would be today. What I'm saying is it would take a true pioneer of God comedy to brainstorm the 25 funniest church words and decide one of them should be "AIDS."  Plus, I think Chaplain Tim saved time by using a few of the dying people he listed for #11. You almost have to admire someone who sat down to write a joke and thought they were done after "I don't know, AIDS Bingo?"

Oh, this is brilliant. Screaming "It's the rapture!" after your priest says "AIDS" in #14 wasn't the full punchline. Chaplain Tim's Bingo gag builds into a whole other entry where you wait for someone else to win playing the exact same Bingo card as you and then you fuck the bit up. It's the classic improv structure of "sudden unexplained nonsense!" followed by "No, it's not!"

From the absolute weakness of the first entry I knew this author didn't have 101 zany church gags in him. As the book went on, his ideas were going to become more and more desperate. I read carefully, knowing it was only a matter of time before this shallow-brained fuck started accidentally revealing his darkest secrets. And here we are at #23 where his idea for spicing up church is "foot pervert stuff."

Books with numbers in the title always become confessions eventually.

Shoot the fools. Squirt the innocent until they are wet with your mischief.

Reach out and grab one of the dripping pigs. Squeeze their pig skin with your fitful fingers! Do You witness my misbehavior, God?! Punish me!!

Oh hey, you could grab all your church's stationary and absent-mindedly destroy it like a child whose mother never came back from the airport bathroom.

Yes, wouldn't it be... funny if you were, hh-hhhh, hidden under their seat, under their feet. Their forbidden feet.

So in #42, this foot creep was slithering under everyone's skirts like a snake and his followup to that is a drug-enhanced sneeze? And it comes with two separate caveats about how, holy shit guys this one is serious when they hear you sneeze, it is going to blow thei-- no, it might fucking literally kill them! They will have to stop the sermon to treat the heart attacks from your sneeze! Does Chaplain Tim not know how sneezes work? I mean, yeah, he's not serious, but is it any less insane that he thinks a sneeze is an entire joke? If someone said "ha ha I was kidding" after a sneeze I would ram an ice pick into their skull until I hit the intruder. Fucking fuck you, Tim.

Oh my god, could you imagine!? Ha ha ha! Getting a full costume, cooking a catering pan of hot dogs, holding an entire community hostage with your need for attention? Can you imagine everyone's disappointment when they realize it's the foot-sniffer doing some kind of hot dog vendor bit!? I guess you don't have to imagine it, because the book's illustrator couldn't even picture a universe where this bit landed. He drew eight people ignoring him and one guy who actually wants a hot dog. So maybe this one is more of a business plan than a joke? No problem, we can reuse one of Chaplain Tim's punchlines from earlier: AIDS.

Annoying beeping? That's the whole idea? If you're this kind of aimless psychopath why don't you just steal the goddamn church donations?

Oh, okay, never mind.

Two entire pages of the book were dedicated to Chaplain Tim's idea to get those filthy feet niiiiice and stinky. WARNING: Don't bother if your minister hasn't yet received the gift of smell. I repeated Tim's line verbatim because I think it's a truly funny commentary on the shared experience of when your minister doesn't learn how to smell until very late in life. It's got a sort of Jerry Seinfeld observational quality to it-- what's the deal with God waiting until your minister is sixty years old before he gives him the gift of smell? Which angel decided "I'm not going to let them smell their dinner until they eat it at 4pm!" I only ask because it makes it a little hard for me, an anxious foot pervert, to schedule my laundry! These socks are moist now, God!

Out of respect for Chaplain Tim Sims and his timeless sense of humor, I'm not going to make fun of this one. His #62 idea for keeping busy in church is, in the full view of your God, your friends, and your family, to taunt the disabled. How would you even add to a comedy bit this polished? Have a second person jump up and scream, "No, it's not!"? Fine, yes, that works. And maybe a third person could say, "AIDS. AIDS. AIDS," in time with his watch alarm? Oh! While he sucks your filthy feet!! Ha ha ha this rules. How is religious humor not more popular?

There's a certain safety net Chaplain Tim seems to think he's performing over in that no one would actually do these things. For instance, I didn't think he was "serious" when he suggested tricking the deaf people into singing. Again, it's worse that he was "joking," but my understanding was these ideas were meant to be purely hypothetical. And yet these elaborate, detailed instructions on how to turn a hymn book into a decoy baby suggest otherwise. This is over 100 words with no jokes telling you exactly how to execute an Orphan Nancy Songjob, which is what we in the comedy business call it when you trap the voice of a lost child inside a Bible for no reason.

Are you still bored? Maybe scatter your leavings on the furniture, you piece of shit.

Them: "Blah blah blah Jesus."

You: "Under your trousers... hsss... what type of panties? Yes, show me your creases. Your underpants will give me their secrets, man of God. And you, woman of God... HOW HAVE YOU RESTRAINED YOUR SHAMEFUL BOSOM!?"

What the fuck? When babies cry other babies might join in? I genuinely have no idea what the shit Tim is talking about here.

Oh, thank God. It continues on the next page. Oh, no, this doesn't make it better. Chaplain Tim wants you to start a competition where you and another maniac make babies cry? What's the punchline? Is it when the first person says, "Please don't make the babies cry?" Is the funny part when they hit you, Chaplain Tim? Because I'm worried that's going to make you cum and this book was a sex thing the whole time.

Them: "🎵 some God song 🎵"

You: "I'M BORED! How fat are you? HEY! HOW FAT ARE YOU!? I put 320, but the guy next to me guessed a drawing of ham! Yes! Hit me! Oh God YES, kick my dirty mouth with your feet!!"

...

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