Nerding Day: WIZARDS

The great thing about reading is that every once in a while, you find a book that completely changes your opinion about a major part of your life. The Quest For The Wizard From Merlin To Harry Potter (2003) has done that for me because I used to think that wizards were cool. Thankfully this academic wizardry textbook revealed the truth to me. Being a wizard is the nerdiest possible way to gain magic powers.

This book posits you can essentially think your way into being magical. You can become so smart it's literally magic. That is the lamest way to get magic powers! School!? Lots of regular, non-mystic school!? Grow a pair, wizards. Blast yourself with radiation, or jump into a vat of toxic waste like a real superhero. Be cooler. I mean, look at how awful this sounds:

What a way to open your book. Do you want to become a wizard, kids? Well, strap in because it's going to be soooo boring! I'm talking so boring you piss your pants so you have something to do. Oh, you thought magic was cool? Think again, dummy. You piss-pantsed dummy.

The majority of The Quest For The Wizard From Merlin To Harry Potter tells the story of various figures from history through the lens of, "What if this dude were a wizard." For instance, you may be aware of Moses, who parted the red sea using his staff, and what is a staff if not an extra-large magic wand? Sure sounds like a wizard to me.

So, if you do enough stuff that wizards do, you are a wizard? If I wear a cool robe with stars on it, read a lot, and stir things in a big black cauldron, I'm a wizard? Because I read a lot of romance novels, make a lot of soups, and have a sense of fashion many have referred to as "like a baby who just discovered shapes and colors." I could totally be a magician right now. Or at the very least fall into the category of wizard.

The book also runs through the history of Nostradamus, Rasputin, Allister Crowley... your classic wizardry type guys, plus the Roman poet Virgil, who I guess was sort of wizard-flavored but doesn't quite fit the vibe as well as Rasputin. Unfortunately, there aren't enough real world maybe wizards to get into, so they also cover some famous literary wizards, including Dumbledore, Gandalf, and my personal favorite, an entire chapter on Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars.

I've read a weird amount of books about mysticism for this website, and I've learned that when they need to pad out the story a bit, they almost always include a summary of a popular movie. They rehash Palpatine's entire goddamn journey through the Star Wars universe and decide that since there are evil wizards in movies, there are probably some in real life as well because it's illegal to make movies about things that don't exist? Apologies to everyone now learning Babadooks are real.

Keep in mind this isn't just an exploration of wizards in pop culture and history. It's an academic textbook for people who want to become wizards, so each chapter ends with an exercise designed to help you practice wizarding. I'm not sure what practicing the art of wizarding is called? Wizzing, I'll assume. This book's goal is to teach you to wizz super hard.

A lot of books that talk about magic use flowery language about connecting with the elements and drawing power from the earth, or from within yourself, or from a magical realm ruled by horny psychic bigfoots. All of that stuff is too cool for proper wizards. Keep in mind the number one rule of wizards is wizards are nerds. Wizard magic involves charts and graphs. The nerdiest things!

Look at this chart. Memorize it. Done? Congratulations, you're a wizard! Here's your big hat. Please use your new wizard powers to explain to me how salamanders are the opposite of gnomes. Use your powers of prophecy to determine if it's because one has a little beard and the other is a cute slimy buddy?

Another vital chart lists the days of the week along with the planets and symbols attached to each day so you know what spells to perform on which days to get the strongest possible wizz. The day that surprises me the most is Monday. It's tied to the moon, which means Mondays are for fuckin'. You'd think it'd be the least sexy day of the week. You're catching up on all the work you put off on Friday, so you're tired and probably cranky, but according to wizards, that's the day for sexy magic. The chart says so, and statistically, charts are the most potent form of magic.

There are also lessons for prophecy where you tell the future by looking at the reflection of clouds in a bowl or stare at really cool stones. It tells you how to make a magical talisman. It has a lesson on defense against the dark arts; a title ripped straight from a Hogwarts class. The most important thing it teaches, though, is that wizards have low self-esteem.

This book believes in evil wizards, like with the whole Palpatine thing. It thinks bad wizards are out there, but it wants the reader to keep in mind that bad wizards don't give a fuck about them because they are not important enough.

Evil wizards are out here riding motorcycles, smoking cigarettes, and dating flight attendants with abandon. They have no time to launch evil energies at a nerd! The only thing the book is concerned about an evil wizard doing is convincing a non-evil wizard to buy a love spell, probably because they'll convert all of their horny energy into wedgie energy and prank the poor trusting good wizard so hard! Nuclear wizard wedgie hard.

It makes sense that if you can get superpowers from studying, you might start to worry someone else has done the same amount of learning and plans to use all of that evil knowledge against you. There are so many movies and TV shows with villains who got so smart they became evil. You would think wizards would be a prime target for that kind of dark magic overtaking them and going mad, but I dunno; just don't worry about that; probably nobody will become the evil puppet master of your soul. That's only for special people. Not you, wizard nerd.

The book ends by psychically introducing you to your new wizard mentor, John Dee, alchemist and former adviser to Queen Elizabeth I. He goes by Dr. Dee, but I don't think they had real doctorates back then. It's more of a Dr. Dre situation. It's his cool rap nickname. You and Dr. Dee have a real will-they-won't-they moment over a staff he passes off to you, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and then you can choose to become a wizard any time if you want. Again, I would encourage you not to if you enjoy having happiness in your life. I mean, look at this fucking nerd:

I expected so much more from a book with the word wizard twice in the title! That's maximum wizard. I couldn't put more wizard in a title if I tried. Wait, Wizards: The Sad Life of Wizards Delivered to You as a Cautionary Tale Against Becoming a Wizard, Go Play a Video Game or Something It's Honestly Not Worth it Wizards!

...

If these images are borked, you can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM.