Teamworking Day: Covenant Eyes

Are you a grown Christian man with the porn addiction of a 13-year-old but the maturity of a much younger boy? Perfect. We found the solution to one of those problems. Maybe. Probably not. Absolutely no chance, but if you have $15.99 a month, you can trick God into thinking you're trying by signing up for Covenant Eyes. It's the first $190-a-year Christian anti-masturbation device monitor with superhero spokespeople!

⬈ Promoted by Masturbation

Seanbaby: Let's meet the anti-masturbation heroes of Covenant Eyes! They use their mighty and, ha ha sometimes zany, powers to help you keep your devices porn-free! Are you ready, Brockway? Let's watch this commercial for Christian anti-porn software!

Brockway: Hey sorry I’m late to the article I was masturbating to vile pornography because my dick sponsor is on vacation and I guess Vermont is more important than my boner’s soul. Oh shit, we doing Covenant Eyes? Haha, did you know you can get banned from that app? They said the suicide rate of the Christian porn engineers responsible for updating the algorithm to keep up with me was “immorally high” and -- you know what? We can talk about this later. You’ll need some groundwork to understand all of that anyway.

Seanbaby: I don't expect a lot of world building from my Christian anti-porn software commercials, but it is weird to just jump right into a man with flaming hands. I can't imagine this making any first impression other than "This is our main antagonist, a guy who masturbates so often his palms caught on fire." But it's not! This is one of the heroes! Though I suppose in a universe where masturbation is amoral, the man with fire hands is either good or dead.

Brockway: If you air a superhero commercial for masturbation software people are going to look for connections, if only to make some sense of this strange new world they live in. If you start that commercial by asking “hey, do you jerk off too much?” then jump cut to a guy with flaming hands, we are going to assume his name is Friction Burn and he’s into speed-gooning. You’d need a fire extinguisher just to keep him from covering the highway in spl-

Brockway: I’m not really comfortable with this Christian cosplay edging video.

Seanbaby: I'm not really comfortable with how expensive this looks. This commercial should be two closeted men and their sad wives on a couch explaining how the patent-pending genital detection of Covenant Eyes saved their marriages. This has professional lighting and post-production and special effects and fire stunts. It's not good, of course, but it's like a four-year-old's birthday had a $200,000 budget and you found out later the party planner was an escaped sex criminal.

Brockway: It’s also weirdly clever and competently written. Hold on now -- I also didn’t say good. But it seems like it knows what good is. Most Christian commercials find a C-list celebrity who went clinically insane after OD’ing in front of a nativity scene, and then have them wander near a pond for two minutes. Covenant Eyes understands pacing in a way that unnerves me. It doesn’t land any of its jokes, and the mere attempt is both depressing and unnerving, but the timing works. It’s like a stand-up comic who got into a motorcycle accident trying to beg the Head Trauma nurse for death with the pacing of a classic Seinfeld set.

Seanbaby: I have no notes on Cat-Man. Whenever I see religious anti-sex propaganda I'm always looking for the wink from the creators that says what really inspired them was not the purity of the gospel, but the dark urges to suck the sin out of all these cocks. So, okay, Cat-Man. Consider us winked at.

Brockway: I’m just glad he’s out of that lonely apartment with his single egg. That one comic book panel definitely said ‘I am the true face of porn addiction.’ But this one screencap definitely says ‘I am a middle-aged twink who finally feels free.’ This way is better, Cat-Man. Celebrate yourself.

Seanbaby: Look, there's no reason we can't have some innocent animal suit fun while we monitor our devices for adult material. Anyone suffering from a pornography addiction will love Hamster Man's eager eyes and whimsical lack of fuckable holes!

Brockway: I see at least three fuckable holes. Maybe four if that’s a glass eye.

Seanbaby: The leader of the group is Colossal Man, whose power is not becoming big. Look, I've called time out for some rule clarifications in enough sauna wrestling matches to know my instincts for these things can be wrong. All I'm saying is this normal sized guy is best friends with two men in fursuits and he describes himself as "colossal." He's the spokesperson for sex addiction, and at his age, he has the physique of someone who spends what any wife would describe as a suspicious amount of time at the gym. If he's not making the party boys scream with his massive hog, Colossal Man is really giving off some mixed signals.

Brockway: I think you’re going to a gay place because there’s something clearly being repressed here. In his every movement, in his every word there’s a tension like an overloaded guy-rope, and you’re assuming that’s because Colossal Man wants to unload some guy’s rope. I don’t think that’s it. I think what’s being held at bay here is just general madness. Colossal Man has a hardcore case of the Jesus eyes, especially when he says-

Brockway: Look at those eyes. Those eyes want to talk to you about Jesus and it is going to be a problem. Those eyes would look exactly the same praying in church as they would choking a drifter in a sewage ditch. Those eyes are impossibly distant. They only see the world through the wrong end of binoculars. Look at him say “porn” -- it should be a forbidden word for him, but he’s rejoicing in it. This one small crack in the dam. The tiny amount of release that means this is the day he pinches his wife in places it won’t show, instead of the day he steals a garbage truck and drives it through a hospital.

Seanbaby: I'm officially uncomfortable. I shouldn't be able to fly a commercial airliner into your grin while you're confessing your porn addiction from your family's sunroom. And oh, great, Cool Pastor Abs has a black best friend.

Seanbaby: Jeff doesn't have any super abilities, but he's got the greatest power of them all-- he gets sent a list of everything this pervert looks up on his devices. Wait, that's all this "screen accountability software" does? For $15.99 a month!? Are we sure this is real? This has the exact same ethics and practicality as a Nathan for You bit.

Brockway: If you ask your friend to do this for you and they say “yes!” without any hesitation -- they want to be much more than a friend. Now, you think I’m implying that Jeff wants to fuck Colossal Man against a dumpster behind the gym, but no -- blackmail. This is for blackmail. Covenant Eyes is only ever for blackmail. I promise the real advertising for this service is done on darknet forums for hobbyist blackmailers looking to go pro. Actually, maybe Jeff’s conspicuous casting is a little in-joke.

Seanbaby: So now that I've heard Covenant Eyes' business model, I'll try to explain it. Christians monetized shame by inventing a device that prevents you from seeing porn. Not by blocking it, but by installing it on all your devices so they will snitch on you afterwards to your volunteer masturbation sponsor. Even assuming you're so fucking dumb you don't have a spare device or obvious workaround to hide your disgraceful habit, you're counting on a volunteer digging for filthy URLs inbetween your Google searches for "superhero costumes adult sizes" and "do blacks have own Easter?"

All this, of course, is a lie. To the viewer, to themselves, to whomever. The Covenant Eyes super squad is marketing it as a thing to help "you" stop jerking off, but their real demographic is parents who want to spy on their kids. "Those fools, I could declare my child the sex addict and make myself their porn sponsor" is exactly the kind of thought that would seem genius to this demographic. Which explains all the money they had for this. That business model, combined with a predatory subscription fee designed to be forgotten about, means this stupid fucking idea is so lucrative they can humiliate themselves with an expensive superhero ad campaign. It doesn't matter if it works-- this is just a way to get Jeff and Hamster Man over for a few bottles of wine to see what happens.

Brockway: Okay, fine, maybe it’s for fucking your closeted friends, but then it is also for blackmailing them afterwards. Everything about this commercial, from the weirdly high budget to the off-human comedy screams trap to me. If it’s not blackmail, I guess it could be aliens hoping to sell the fuckdata of primitive species to galactic pervert collectors? It’s one of those.

Seanbaby: I think I've made a few good points about how the producers of this childlike superhero parody for sex addicts used poor judgement, but I have one more: they shouldn't have had Colossal Man's young boy wander into the room as he confessed to his masturbation addiction.

Seanbaby: ...

Brockway: ...

Seanbaby: There is some, definitely too much, time dedicated to explaining the origin of Colossal Man's weakness. It was this: the audience watches him watch a lot of pornography as a child. Again, this is not a decision I would have made.

Brockway: Hey, something’s wrong here. I mean, besides everything. When the flashback starts it specifically says-

Colossal Man might have eyes that cannot register the passage of human time, but the rest of him can. That dude is mid-40s at best, which would not see him as a 12 year-old child perusing porn on a laptop to feed his addiction. It would see him relentlessly foraging through the woods and disused sheds for weather-faded scraps of jerk newspapers. A 12 year-old with a porn addiction in 1987 had two Sears catalogs. Is he lying about his age? Did they fuck up the casting? Or did somebody just not think through this commercial for an app that mails your porn habits to your coworkers?

Seanbaby: I also think it was strange how there was no alien ray or villainous plot. And now that I mention it, I don't think there are super villains in this universe? Aside from having to stop and masturbate seven or eight times an adventure, are there any stakes in a Colossal Man story?

Brockway: You don’t think there are stakes in this universe governed by an invincible Christian zealot so dominated by shame he pays to have his phone mail his wank links to a black guy? This whole planet is one “happy holidays” away from being speed-fucked into a fine mist.

Seanbaby: The very horny superhero explains how a cycle of shame perpetuates the filthy habit of touching yourself in front of His judgeful eyes. Luckily, the Covenant Eyes one-step system of shaming you, and nothing else, can help you break out of this "Shame Cycle." This is-- I mean, honestly, if you're dumb enough to fall for this grift, Jeff should get to come to your house and smother you with a pillow as he tells you you failed your god one last time.

Brockway: Only shame can beat shame. That’s from the Bible probably.

Seanbaby: For three more minutes, Colossal Man or "Chris," explains again and again how Covenant Eyes works. And the more he explains, the more clear it becomes that it doesn't. You have to have it installed on your device, the Christian grifter-developed algorithm has to detect pornography, and if both those things happen, a person in your life you've trusted with your darkest secrets will see what you pounded off to the next day. And remember, all of this is theater because no one is using it for anything other than spying on husbands and children.

Brockway: Or…?

Seanbaby: Oh, right. Or maybe blackmail. I liked your galactic pervert collecting theory too. The one thing we know is that it's not for this.

Seanbaby: Supportive friend Jeff is there for Chris whenever he needs a hug or someone to hear intimate erotic secrets away from his wife's ears. Jeff is about always being there, not setting boundaries. We all see what's coming except Jeff. Every time kind, nurturing Jeff calls one of his other friends they are surprised when he doesn't say, "I don't know what to do, Colossal Man tried to kiss me!"

Brockway: You talk like Jeff did not plan for this moment every day, carefully seeding a pornography addiction in his most well-muscled and repressed Christian hunk-friend. Here’s how Chris twisted poor Jeff’s arm into being his jerk-off coach-

Seanbaby: That's word-for-word what Jeff said. He exists in a world where a funny prank is pretending you don't want to be a sex addict sponsor for most of a sentence. Jeff is so eager to be a Covenant Eyes accountability ally it's hilarious to consider otherwise. He probably responds to Chris's masturbation readouts with 2000 word emails filled with Bible verses and cheaper options for foot stuff.

Seanbaby: Colossal Man starts giving us hard statistics like how "80%" of their "over one million users" are "hopeful." If you believe them, and that's cute, it means they have penetrative analytic data for hundreds of thousands of Christian masturbators, and they've chosen not to include a single graph or pie chart. Not a single demonstration of how this has worked for anyone. Because it's not supposed to. Because it couldn't possibly. If used as directed, it's a way for church buddies to share cam girl tips. If used as intended, it's an expensive way to learn your family isn't who they say they are.

Brockway: Hahaha 20% of their users do not have hope!

Seanbaby: Ha ha they told this superhero they gave up on everything! "My future is this lonely dick and nothing else," they put on their feedback form.

Seanbaby: Robert, you usually have a better take on these things than me... am I making too many jokes like this for a 2021 article? Because the terror in the eyes of Colossal Man's wife tells me no.

Brockway: I don’t know that you’re making too many, but I do know that you’re making all of these jokes in the wrong direction. The only one with crazier Jesus Eyes than Chris is his wife-

That woman does not miss sexual interaction with her husband. That is a woman nostalgic for dying in childbirth. She got programmed way too early and now she gets horny every time she smells baby powder. She has 12 kids whose names all start with the same letter. She fucks once a year and only while inverted because the Matron told her sperm always swim down since that’s the direction hell is.

Seanbaby: …

I'm going to do one more.

Seanbaby: Oh, Jeff!

…

This article was brought to you thanks to a hot tip in the Hot Hot Dog Tipline from Djonin and FayMontagne.

If these images are borked, you can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM.