Learning Day: Exo-Vaticana, Part 1

Bad news, everyone: the world is going to end! In the year... 2013. Let me explain. At this point in my hotdog career, I'm a frequenter of my local used bookstore's occult section. I've covered everything from electric crystal headbands for your cat to horny eBay ghosts and the Top 100 Psychics In America. I've hit spiritualism pretty hard but mostly left the U.F.O. side of the occult section alone, and there's a reason for that! U.F.O. books are a very different kind of crazy. They've got CHARTS and GRAPHS and hundreds of citations supporting their theories, and I'm sorry, but no one has time for that! Except guess what, I have time for that! I'm friggin' pathetic!

I decided if I was going to cover a U.F.O. book, I would do the most batshit crazy Game-Of-Thrones-length bastard ever to hit the market. It's six hundred and nine pages long with eight hundred and three cited sources, and it's about how the Vatican is preparing society for a new alien Jesus. Welcome to Exo-Vaticana, Part 1: My exploration of Exo-Vaticana: Petrus Romanus. Project L.U.C.I.F.E.R., and the Vatican's Astonishing Plan for the Arrival of an Alien Savior.

So, where do I begin? I guess let's start with the pope. His hat is so big because it's full of secrets! Or maybe I should tackle Alien Jesus right away and get that over with? I'm sorry, the book is split into four parts, but this is everything I have to cover in part one alone:

The pope to fairies and changelings is a lot of ground to cover, so please bear with me. Also, beer with me because this is going to be a long one. I guess I'll really start with the writers of the book, Cris Putnam and Thomas Horn. They are two men who think the pope is kind of a hippy, and they don't seem to be big fans of Jewish people either. I don't know what their religious affiliation is exactly other than, in broad terms, a firm no on everything. All I can say for sure is they identify as Christian Ufologists, which sounds like the name of a hip Dutch guy. Here's a little flavor from the intro just so you get the idea of what we're dealing with.

Hahaha yikes! Calm down, Grandpa. All I said was Ellen voices the fish in Finding Nemo? Jesus.

In 2012 Putnam and Horn wrote a book together called Petrus Romanus: The Final Pope Is Here. It sold so well that they got invited to do a segment on The History Channel show Countdown to Apocalypse and Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura, among other things. You know, reputable T.V. shows about god-fearing folks and the alien pope.

Chapter one says that according to "Roman Catholic Prophecy," weirdly no citation on that one, the pope that replaces Pope Benedict will be the final pope, which infers the world could end as soon as 2013. This book was released in 2013, and I have to wonder: why bother writing it? Did they think the flaming cannibals left behind by the rapture would still be interested in curling up under a blanket with a cup of fingers and a nice long read?

Part of their big get for Exo-Vaticana was a trip to V.A.T.T., the Vatican Advanced Technology Telescope, a very real telescope that the Vatican owns! Gotcha, Catholics. Explain that. Explain the telescope!

Sorry, I can explain the telescope; the Vatican owns it because they literally invented the expression, "more money than God." Why does a rich guy own a full-size replica Batmobile? Is it because he thinks Batman is real? No, it's because why not. Some pope thought, "big telescope seems sick," and then he bought a big telescope.

Everything in the Catholic church makes more sense if you think of the pope as a rich guy with a cool hat having a ball. He's got a summer home, his special cars, and a working farm that provides all his meals. If Richard Branson got laid less, he and the pope would be pretty much the same, and as we all know, rich guys love space.

There are lots of quotes in this book where various Catholic church members talk about using V.A.T.T. to search for alien life. Those are real quotes! That's what they're doing up there. The Vatican is not shy about it.

You can't deny that the pope has a telescope! And it's true that the authors toured it, they have pictures and everything. Also, anyone can tour it on Saturday's from mid-May to mid-October (weather permitting), which they weirdly forget to mention and all of the pictures from their tour included in the book are pretty close up, which makes me think they probably just took the regular tour and then wrote a six hundred page book about it.

Those men did not infiltrate the facility with false credentials or rappel in through a skylight they cut open with a laser. There's probably a child in a Lilo and Stitch hat just out of frame eating a snow cone. The trip to V.A.T.T. is described in great detail in the first chapter, and they try to make it sound like everyone they encounter on the way there is sort of weird and mysterious, but it sounds more like people talked to them for a minute, realized they were crazy, and then wanted them to go away. They encounter an old man at a ranger station who "told us how he had been coming there for many years to keep a fire in the fireplace and to greet hikers who wandered into the park. When we told him where we were going, he got quiet. When we added that our plan was to speak with the Jesuits at the Vatican Advanced Technology Telescope (V.A.T.T.) in the restricted area further up the mountain, he lost interest in the conversation." These guys want to solve the mysteries of the Vatican but can't solve the mystery of why no one wants to talk to them.

To underscore the Vatican/aliens connection, they also highlighted a quote from an October 1992 London Daily Telegraph article by V.A.T.T. former director George Coyne who dedicated his life to the reconciliation of science and theology.

Now, the church wants to find aliens so they can baptize them is some Weekly World News shit. That belongs next to headlines like Bat Boy Gets Braces and My Mom is a Bigfoot With Very Small Feet, but it's technically true! I don't believe the Vatican knows aliens exist, but I do believe that the Vatican thinks if aliens do exist, they'd better be Catholic aliens!  It kind of makes sense for them to be on the lookout for aliens, too, because one of the main things that motivated men to explore earth was evangelism, so it's not the most far-fetched idea that if aliens came to earth, they would be here to spread their religion.

Imagine what a big win it would be for the catholic church if aliens came to earth, and they were like, "Hey, have you heard about Jesus? Aw dip, you have! You have a pope too! No waaaay." Then their pope would come out of the spaceship, and he would be totally yoked, and he'd be like, "There can only be one. We must fight to the death, fragile Earth Pope." Sorry, I can see how Putnum and Horn meander in and out of fiction so easily in their work. It's fun!

Things get a little more "what if" after chapter two. The main theory being batted about is, "I'm pretty sure that demons and aliens are the same things," and the "Nephilim mentioned in the Bible are demon/alien-human hybrids who have since been bred smaller and smaller (because in the bible they're giants), so they can blend in with society." As part of their proof for this theory, Putnam and Horn offer this drawing of a demon by Allister Crowley next to a picture of an alien. Convincing stuff.

But that's not all! They also summarize in great detail the movies They Live and Splice because, honestly, I think it's because they wanted to pad out the book a little, and they liked those movies. Oh, also, they did Splice because they don't like the idea of human-animal hybrids, and they think Nephilim are guiding that research because an animal-human hybrid is also Nephilim/alien/demon. Got it! That's pretty simple, right? Just remember, if it seems dicey, it's probably an alien. If your landlord is hiding tentacles and digests your rent check by first dissolving it with a caustic discharge? Alien. Your blender isn't working? It's an alien!

Now you might be asking yourself, when do the fairies come in? You fools! The fairies were there the entire time! The fairies are aliens. Bigfoot is an alien. The Chupacabra, well, that's actually a dog that's been misidentified by a person under stress. I'm kidding; it's another alien! All cryptids are aliens, and all aliens are demons. Here I made you a chart to help you remember.

Is this macaroni and cheese? No, it's an alien.

Is this math? Or an alien.

They may disguise themselves cleverly as people but let me assure you, this is an alien.

If you can name it, it’s an alien, and don’t forget aliens are actually demons which means the world is absolutely overrun with demons and demon-human hybrids created both in labs and through demons mating with human women.

Chapters three through six establish this Everything-Is-Demons logic in several ways, my favorite being a passage about people seeing hybrid aliens in public. I like it because the first description of a hybrid alien just sounds like Paul Shaffer.

It sounds like what these witnesses are experiencing is seeing awkward people in public and assuming they are aliens. Look, right after the pandemic, I didn't know how to behave in a grocery store either, but I'm not an alien, I promise. I'm a regular nerd like the rest of us.

The chapter on changelings also includes a lengthy interview with Nick Redfern, who wrote the book Final Events And The Secret Government Group On Demonic UFOs And The Afterlife. See, these people can't even make their book titles less than ten words. His book's cover is pretty awesome because it looks like Satan is giving it to an alien from behind as an H-bomb goes off, which is especially eerie because it's what I was going to get as my next tattoo.

Nick Redfern claims to have discovered a secret organization within the U.S. government called "The Collins Elite" that is onboard with the whole aliens-are-actually-demons thing. So now we've got the Vatican, the government, the hybrids, the changelings, and the movie Splice blending and mixing to form the final bombshell of part one of the book.

And that’s where they leave you hanging. Well, kids, what have we learned today? The elite are preparing the earth to be ruled by a secret group of hybrid aliens as predicated in a Rowdy Roddy Piper movie. The pope owns a telescope. There are still three more parts of this book! Here I made a graph that I think summarises it all pretty well.

I had to leave tons out. Did you know both the White House and the Vatican are domes facing an obelisk which is like a peener facing a vageener? That's some demonic alien symbolism if I've seen it. Man, I can't wait to explore this text further. I'm sure it's not going to adversely affect my personality at all! I have so many more graphs to make.