Fucking Day: Say I Love You - I Love You For Being Here

Mario Corelli is an author who sacrificed his dignity for a chance at twenty to thirty dollars when he self-published six books of huge-fonted lists of broken English words. It worked! I bought three of them! The first was 101 THINGS TO MAKE HER WET, a collection of wart licking instructions alongside gruesome misunderstanding of pubic mounds. The second was 101 THINGS FOUND IN THE HUMAN BODY: STORIES REALLY HAPPENED EVERYONE HAS GONE ALIVE, a senseless list of objects that don't exist along with things you'd expect to find in any ordinary human body.

They were gibberish. Madness spewed from a fucking idiot badly grifting in the wrong language. But today we are going to look at a Mario Corelli book that's actually revealing-- something he maybe poured his fucking idiot heart into. Let's read SAY I LOVE YOU: I LOVE YOU FOR BEING HERE.

The book is set up like his others-- each page containing a single dull, fleeting thought followed by six inches of blank paper. But this book, which I think he meant to call 101 Reasons Why I Love You, he might be showing us actual shitty love letters he wrote to his actual shitty girlfriend.

Right out of the gate, Mario has run out of ideas. This, "I LOVE YOU FOR MAKING ME A TEA," is page three and the second reason he loves you. The first was "I LOVE YOU FOR BEING HERE" which he already accidentally printed on the cover, so I skipped it. The point I'm making is, yes, he fucks up in ways no culture developed words for, but also this: if your girlfriend asks you why you love her and the first two qualities you list are "you're here" and "you make me a tea," go ahead and make a little coffin for your penis. It's already legally dead.

We have a couple possibilities here. The first, and most likely, is that when Mario says she "sledges him," he meant to communicate something very different. Tolerates? Pees upon? Licks his warts? Who knows. If we trust he really meant "sledging," Google tells me this is mocking someone when they play cricket. That's not a joke. It's the real usage of the word "sledging." So this is either fucking insane or his third favorite thing about this girl is how she makes fun of him during cricket games. Which is its own kind of insane, I guess.

This suggests the sledging one was just broken English and not cricket insults. Because if the #6 reason you love a woman is how she wipes your tears, you're not a thick-skinned man. I'm not sure what you are. Handcuffed to her in a basement while your kidnapper screens The Notebook? Who does this? Are you telling me Mario's woman walks over when he cries and rubs a tissue on his face, and it happens so often he mentions it as one of her top qualities before her looks or personality? Why can't he wipe his own tears? Is he eating a pot of sad chili with his bare hands? Is that what fucking sledging is!?

This motherfucker writes books like the dumbest brother offering a bad guess on Family Feud. Just raw idiocy vaguely related to something he doesn't know and has never considered before. "I LOVE YOU FOR FLOWERS FROM YOU?" There's truly no dumber thing than offering romantic advice and it's just "flowers" only you're the one getting them and it's written in goddamn Frankenstein.

This is a weirdly specific pet name which makes me think this book might have been written for Mario's crush, not girlfriend. It's a cringey, desperate shared reference, like a yearbook signature you'd write for a person you barely know. But if I had to picture the kind of woman who would date Mario, I guess I do imagine some sort of an egg-shaped creature with flippers and tuxedo markings.

Mario Corelli sweet talks like he's trying to convince someone with amnesia they've met before. "I know you don't remember me, but I can prove we are lovers! I know everything about you! You don't like mushrooms! Your Facebook page is set to private! Sledging!"

Oh no. "I LOVE YOU FOR BEING YOUR WHOLE WORLD?" I don't think this woman he's speaking to is free to go. Hold on, let's look at the cover of the book again.

Yeah, that artistic decision to splatter blood around the (wrong) title is starting to make more sense. This is a book of phrases to hiss at a prisoner before you eat them.

Magnificent. Put that shit in your wedding vows. "MY DARLING, I LOVE YOU FOR WATCH TV AND FOR SOMETIMES EAT FOOD WITH ME."

Hahahahaha ha ha, Mario! I was kidding! Ha ha ha, you stupid piece of shit!

So Mario and his true love either share the same venereal disease or an enthusiasm for the CW series The Vampire Diaries. Here's a cute joke I wrote for the producers and fans of the hit CW series, The Vampire Diaries: I can't decide which is worse.

My 37th favorite thing about you is that you don't hassle me if the only plans I made for us were The Vampire Diaries. You sledging penguin. Go make me a tea so you can watch me cry.

Mario, this is nothing. "I LOVE YOU THAT I CAN FALL ASLEEP WITH YOU?" It's something you'd only say to someone if they were a hostage who has given up trying to escape. "I LOVE YOU THAT YOU WILL NEVER BETRAY ME AND LEAVE."

Ha ha ha goddamnit, Mario.

If he put loving her smell somewhere in the first twenty it would have maybe come across as nice, but putting it a page after "I LOVE YOU FOR NOT LEAVING ME" in a book with splattered blood on the cover is psychopathic as fuck. Whatever ear Mario whispered this into was not attached to the rest of its head.

You love her "FOR HER GOOD NIGHT?" What? What is anyone supposed to do with this? I refuse to believe anyone who has finished a single kiss with a real person would have so little to say about the human experience. Is he a sixth grader writing about the first girl to text him? How much dumber can this possibly get, Mario? Are you going to love her "FOR NICE DAY?"

Oh my god. That... that's actually dumber.

You can fucking what!? Mario, did you just say you love me that you can walk in my shirts!? Is this 101 REASONS WHY I LOVE YOU or 101 THINGS PARROTS SAY WHEN YOU STAB THEIR BRAINS?

This one is sort of sweet. He even kind of worded it coherently? Maybe this is Mario Corelli on his first draft and he'll go back in later to make it stupid and crazy.

There it is.

Rolling around the street? Could Mario mean driving? Or is he in love with some clownish woman who literally rolls around in a street? The best part of Mario Corelli books is the mystery. He could be chopping a woman into parts, misremembering a dream, or simply unsure how to describe a girl fooling around on a road. I genuinely enjoy the puzzle of it.

God damn it, Mario. I knew you would find a way to fuck this up.