Reflecting Day: Hot Dan the Mustard Man 🌭

Eleven months ago, we launched 1-900-🌭 into a media space destroyed by unchecked digital capitalism during an era of political treachery too ridiculous to parody but too big to ignore. Jokes about anal pleasure instructional videos felt almost irresponsible. But 2021 brings with it a new era-- an era where our gravest concerns are no longer stupid as shit, and in this world, the silly man is king. In this world I might suddenly bring up HOT DAN THE MUSTARD MAN, and readers will say, "Oh fun! This is more absurd than the regular news."

HOT DAN THE MUSTARD MAN was introduced as the spokesman for French's Mustard back in the 1930s, because when fascism isn't a constant concern you can do fun shit like tell your mustard investors, "Gentlemen, and no ladies, this is the ghost of the world's youngest cocaine mule, and he is our new mascot. Note the unblinking eyes and the rictus smile of a madma-- what's that? Of course we can add a gigantic bow tie. A chef's hat? Sure, I guess he does technically scream near food."

HOT DAN's main job was to silently point at a mustard jar while looking into the face of God and daring Him to try to kill him again. But "THAT GAY AND GIFTED MUSTARD MAN" could also appear in any mustard emergency. For instance, if you hear, "COLD LAMB CERTAINLY LEAVES ME COLD!" from the other side of your centerpiece, HOT DAN will appear before your husband can say, "AND A SOAP-STAINED KNIFE CERTAINLY MAKES ME KNIFEY."

Oh, and you know what's fucked up? HOT DAN is worse in color. And he can either change sizes or shrink children.

This was a time when a tiny man could appear in your home, spread mustard on your cold meat, and save your marriage. And HOT DAN doesn't have anywhere to be. He will stay in your home all night. "YOUR MARITAL BED IS DRY AND ROUGH? SPREAD ZESTY MUSTARD ON HER BUTT! SMOOTH AND TANGY, NEVER GRATING! HOT DAN WILL BE HERE MASTURBATING!"

French's ran these ads for years. Abusive husbands would get interrupted by this unexplainable thing rushing their dinner table and explaining mustard to them. This one is only unusual because the husband doesn't know who HOT DAN is. Think about that-- these people don't exist in some other world where abortion ghosts have jobs and one of them is famous. Aside from no one knowing what mustard is, their world is like ours. He should theoretically respond the same way you or I might if a demon crawled out from under the table and tried to smear our mouth with The Glorifying Yellow Paste of Mu-Stard. And his wife isn't emotionally stable enough to handle corned beef criticism. You think she's going to be able to deal with a demonic portal under her dining table?

And after the comic, that fucking deranged comic, French's proudly states "8 out of 10 leading packers of fine meats approve French's Mustard." This seems like a strange choice of words. Besides there being no indication they exist, these meat packers don't "prefer" or "recommend" French's. They're simply, you know, fine with it. Except for two of them! What does that mean? Twenty percent of meat packers think French's mustard is so awful it should be illegal? Do they think that's the only way they can stop HOT DAN from interrupting arguments with their wives? This is clearly an era where you can say or do any goddamn thing you want in an advertisement. They could have said, "The official mustard of Thursday and Oklahoma! Spread it on any meated loaf to increase your sperm count by eight Dans! 3 out of 10 leading drivers of buses will never see their family again unless you buy French's Mustard! Are you one of them? DON'T BUY FRENCH'S MUSTARD AND FIND OUT!"

The point I'm getting to is this: HOT DAN-- that gay little man, is nuts. And I've accidentally written 700 words about him before even getting to the reflecting part of Reflecting Day. Here's some HOT DANless site news: regular hot dog contributor, Lydia Bugg, has signed on as a weekly columnist! THREE LUSTY MUSTARD CHEERS for her! As you can tell from her recent pieces about moist groins and shitting unicorns, she'll help bring a maturity and feminine voice to the site. And speaking of feminine voice, you know when your wife is crying because of your terrible wrath and a mustard creature appears to pep up your meal? Hold on, that's not the sentence I typed. What is--

T-that's not the Lydia picture I Photoshopped. Weird. Anyway, our rampaging Patreon success thanks to YOU, the HOT DANS of our hearts, means we can also hire an audio engineer! Jamie French will be chopping the Dogg Zzone 9000 podcast into coherent shows along with Extra Weiner, the bonus podcast available in our Discord server. This is good news for everyone including our previous audio engineer, who was just me smashing shapes together and Googling "audible help brockway sounds too fuckable also all files gone." Having a professional take over the technical duties will make us sound better and let the Dogg Zzone 9000 go weekly! Plus, it frees me up to explore my true creative passion-- a troubling amount of focus on mustard mascots GLORIFY YOUR CHOPS AND STEAKS mascots MUSTARD mascots wait, something isn't right. Something's not right.

Speaking of Discord, Hot Dog Champions have access to screenings of our favorite cursed films. Like the day I showed everyone The Magic of Martial Arts, the only children's Karate video filmed from inside a racist cave, followed by How to Have a Moneymaking Garage Sale Starring Phyllis Diller, the only video to perfectly explain itself in ten words, and 20 Minutes to Go!, a collection of nuclear holocaust music videos by a Christian sex cult. I got to watch Brockway and our site's most treasured supporters go mad in real time. Because it's not like irony taken to this level of extreme could ever summon HOT DAN, HOT DAN THE MUSTARD MAN.

No, wait, this is not what was promised, HOT DAN. Oh my god, what are you trying to do!?

I'm not doing any of this! This is so fucked oh Jesus this is so fucked.

I don't know how to stop it! I think it needs us to buy more mustard?

It's not working! Tell people about our hot dog website! Tell them to give us their money! The only way to protect you, your realm, is to buy more French's mustard, the zestiest spread for your chops and steaks! The last tangy hope you have!