Upsetting Day: The Alertness Drug Review 🌭

Once, long ago, there was a comedy website that only wanted three simple things: to make people laugh, to teach them a few things, and to be the first internet comedians to write dick jokes on Mars. It succeeded in two of those goals, before getting piledriven into the dirt by corporate scavengers. Some of its archives have been deleted, some of them have been corrupted, and some just suck. You decide which one this is. It’s…

I'm the resident Alternative Lifestyle Specialist around here (they’re not allowed to call me “junkie” anymore after the HR meeting), so it's up to me to cover all the hot new pharmaceutical trends. That’s drugs. I'm talking about drugs. Nootropics, in this case. They’re largely harmless and meant to boost mental function with little to no side effects, so most of them are available freely on the market as "supplements." Now, I don’t trust supplements -- you just don’t know what’s in those things -- so I’ll be getting my experimental drugs from Jell-O Jimmy down at the docks. Good man. Shakes when you slap him. He didn’t sort the drugs, so it’s just a big bag of loose pills but I’m pretty sure I can smell them apart.

I will be regularly gauging my mental performance on each drug using the Vandenberg Mental Rotation Test, because it looks very Science.

The goal of the test is to select the two figures that are identical to the one on the far left, but seen from different angles. For control purposes, I took the test for the first time completely sober. This is that test:

Piracetam

In clinical trials, piracetam has been shown to increase both cognition and memory, as well as slow aging of the brain and increase oxygenation. Piracetam is fairly mild, and the recommended dosage is only 800 milligrams... which I assume is communist for "a handful."

Effects:

After 30 minutes, I do feel slightly more alert. I find I am capable of (and quite willing to do) the robot for long periods of time. I seem mildly more energetic, but no more than after a few cups of coffee and three repeats of Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger."

Performance:

As you can see, my performance has increased slightly, but it's still nothing to write home about. Nothing is. They no longer open my letters.

Vinpocetine

Vinpocetine is an extract of the periwinkle plant that supposedly increases blood flow to the brain and enhances memory. Because of the risk of intestinal discomfort, initial dosages should be fairly low. So I squat down, get nice and low on that, and take approximately two fistfuls.

Effects:

After 30 minutes, I am starting to feel rather excellent. There is little to no trace of my normal aches and pains. In fact, I may actually be immune to pain and possess some sort of minor healing factor. I have no empirical evidence to base those conclusions on, I simply feel them to be true. I also feel extremely wakeful and alert, which is a godsend, because I now know that everybody is out to get me.

Performance:

As you can see, my performance is significantly heightened. I don't mean to brag or anything, but I'm pretty sure I just fucked spatial reasoning in the ass. To test these skills in the real world, I have stacked all of my co-worker’s desks together into a perfectly sealed cube. Some of them are still trapped inside actually, but they shall not escape the Work Cube until proper tribute is paid.

Oxiracetam

Another member of the -racetam family, oxiracetam is basically a much more potent version of piracetam. It's like piracetam's badass older brother -- all wearing denim vests to prom and doing donuts in a Trans Am. In many studies it's been proven to drastically heighten both memory and alertness.

Effects:

I can really vouch for the alertness: It kicked in just in time for my heightened observational skills to notice Janice, the administrative assistant, attempting an unsanctioned Work Cube escape. Retribution was swift and powerful. The state I feel is less "wakefulness" than it is "fastness." I feel sleek and slippery, like a seal. I am also oddly wet and smell of the ocean. I may be losing time, or perhaps... transcending it?

Performance:

This test is far beneath my abilities now. It is a crude and primitive joke. The horizontal twisty block is the set-up to a punchline that the vertical block cannot deliver. I laugh anyway at their feeble dance.

Ergoloid Mesylates

We are through fucking around. Ergoloid mesylates is a mixture of alkaloids developed by Albert Hoffman. Yes, the Albert Hoffman: the practical inventor of LSD. This is his entry into the field of alertness drugs, and you can tell this shit just got real. While the early contenders had like, two grid thingies and a line -- tops -- this son of a bitch has like eight hexagons. Eight! Look at that. It's like motherfucking Risk up in this atomic structure! And I just took 30, so I'm China, assholes!

Effects:

I feel amazing on this stuff. It's like waking up while falling out of a plane. Once the uncontrollable urination stops, you're left flying face-first into oblivion with an ear-to-ear grin that's more about g-force than it is euphoria. I am noticing a few side effects, though. Outside of the previously mentioned spontaneous and forceful urination, I am also running a slight fever, my hands have turned against me, I can see God in my peripheral vision, and I have been screaming, "I am China, assholes!" repeatedly for the last 15 minutes.

Performance:

Yep! I figured this shit out in a way that would blow Vandenberg's dick right out of his fucking brain. Y-E-P!

Modafinil

Modafinil has been approved by the FDA for treating shift work disorder and narcolepsy. You do need a prescription for this one in the U.S., but other countries haven't yet regulated it so it's readily available online. It's considered a "wakefulness promoting agent," which differs from amphetamines in that it sounds better when you get pulled over by the cops for doing cartwheels on the highway which isbullshitbecauseIwasonly doing them inthefirstplace in an attempt to STAYright-sideUPonanINCREASINGLYspinnyworld and I was doing them oNtHeHiGhWaY because I'm

so

fucking

fast.

Effects:

The alertness of modafinil is no joke: Some people report being able to stay awake with no feelings of sleepiness for up to 48 hours... because they're fucking pussies and I could take them in a fistfight. I've been up for three days, and I seem to be gaining alertness and energy like an object achieving terminal velocity. I'm so alert now that I can actually see events several seconds before they happen. That's why I permanently sealed the Work Cube with industrial solvent.

I saw that revolt coming, and no one will be spared.

Performance:

I burned the test.

Conclusions:

Y-E-P.

Editor’s note: The rest of what Brockway turned in was pages and pages of identical, extremely detailed and nearly microscopic sketches of the human penis. If you're curious how it all ended, it was a McDonald's wrapper stapled to a page with a lone lotus flower pressed in the middle.