必要なのは自信だったという話

この2年間、とくにこの半年はず〜〜〜っと虚ろな気分だった

描き終わった時は満足感あるはずなのに、少し時間が経つと本当にこれであってるのか、自分の過去の絵も正直見たくなかった。さいあく全部消してもいい。（もちろんしないけど）

でもそんなのは杞憂に過ぎなくて

ピクシブのフォロワーだっていつの間にか3000とかだし

ツイッターのフォロワも一応増えてるし

相変わらずSkebのリクエストは来てくれるし

ほぼほぼ更新しないファンボックスだって時たま『加入しました』のメールが来る。

ただ、これだけは本当にプレッシャーだった。フィードバックを本当〜〜〜に見たくなかった

自信が無いにも関わらず、お金にも困っているのでSkebは続けなきゃいけないのですんごい板挟みな生活

それでもやっぱり

絵を描いてる時間の自分と、相変わらずも支持してくれる人達の評価を信じようってのが足りてなかった。

やる気が無いんじゃなくて、自信がとにかく無かった。で、その自信は結局、自分の実力と自分の目が満足してくれる事のバランスから来る。

実力→自信→やる気（これでOKだ、これで行こうという気持ち）

実際私は下手じゃない。上手くないかもしれないが、間違いなく下手じゃない。

それはSkebが補償してる。だって大金出してくれるんだから。少なくとも6000円は大金だ。

信じて続けるしかない

これからは信じてくれた人達の為にも自分を信じてやっていこうと思う

出来が悪かった絵もあるかもしれない、満足してくれなかった人も居るかもしれない

上手くはない以上、クオリティにムラが出るのは絶対有り得るからその時は受け入れつつ上手くなっていくしかない

なので

下手な事は自覚しつつ、上手い事も認めてやっていきます

よろしくおねがいします

差分だとか、更新とかいろいろ、ちょっとだけお待ちください

~~~This text is a machine translation by DeepL

For the past two years, and especially for the past six months, I have felt empty.

I should feel satisfied when I finish a painting, but after a little time passes, I wonder if it is really correct, and to be honest, I don't even want to look at my past paintings. I could erase all of them at the very worst. (Of course I wouldn't.) But that would only be a groundless fear.

But that was just a groundless fear.

Even my followers on Pixsib are over 3,000 before I know it.

My followers on Twitter are also increasing.

Skeb requests are still coming in.

Even Fanbox, which I almost never update, occasionally receives a mail saying "I've joined.

But this is the only thing that really pressured me. I really didn't want to see the feedback.

I was in between having to keep doing Skeb because I was in need of money even though I had no confidence in myself.

Even so, I knew that I still had to do it.

I didn't have enough confidence in myself during the time I was painting, and in the people who supported me, even as usual.

It wasn't that I was unmotivated, but that I lacked confidence. And that confidence comes from the balance between my ability and the satisfaction of my own eyes.

Competence -> confidence -> motivation (I'm OK with this, I'm willing to go with it).

In fact, I am not bad at it. I may not be good at it, but I'm definitely not bad at it.

Skeb compensates me for that. Because they pay me a lot of money. At least $6,000 is a lot of money.

I just have to keep believing.

From now on, I'm going to keep believing in myself for the sake of those who believed in me.

Some of the pictures might not be good enough, some people might not be satisfied with them.

As long as I am not good at it, it is absolutely possible that the quality will be uneven, so I have no choice but to accept that and keep getting better at it.

So, while being aware of the fact that I'm not good at it

I'm aware that I'm not very good at it, but I'm also willing to admit that I'm good at it.

Thank you very much.

Please wait a little while for the difference, updates, and so on.