10 Things I Learnt from My Spouse.

I got a bit tired of doing posts about the ten mistakes we are all making in various things so I figured I will start doing a series about the ten things I learnt from various people in my life. I am starting with my spouse because he went on a 2-day work trip and I miss him. As always, this written list is accompanied by a podcast episode on the subject (and as always, the podcast is the real, detailed deal and the list is just for people who don’t want to listen to me be marginally funny and accidentally profound for an hour but you really should). Here we go.

*10 Things I Learnt From My Spouse.*

1.       It is better to be perceived as boring and be happy than to make a lot of effort to be interesting. He just doesn’t do it. If you’ve dated for a while, and a certain amount, you will probably be aware that the social dating scene is a lot about how interesting you are and it’s truly hard to tell what qualifies as interesting. Often, it is extremely arbitrary. A certain type of taste in film and music is more interesting than another. A certain hobby is cooler than another. It requires all of us to package our identities and present them so that we aren’t viewed as boring. He wears his boring-badge with honour and nonchalance. It’s amazing to be with someone who will be themselves, not defensively, and not performatively, and find their joy in that.

2.       Being loved for exactly who you are changes something profound in you. In the decade that we have been together, I have never heard him say to me: You would be happier if… You should… You should change this… or anything of that nature. Every single day, he celebrates me for exactly who I am. In relationships, roles become important and even if you don’t design yourself according to them, you’re sometimes measured by your roles wherein a certain thing makes you a good daughter, partner, spouse etc, but to be with someone who just sees you as the thing they love and enjoy so much is paradigm-altering. Whether it’s in the form of making me repeat a word because he likes the way I pronounce it or just sitting there watching me because he likes my engrossed face or listening intently to every word because he finds it interesting, it makes you feel like you’re not the only elephant in the world (and that analogy is explained in the podcast).

3.       It’s okay to say no. You don’t have to do everything, achieve everything, take every opportunity, have every hobby and fuck every person. I live in a very “I have to do everything right now” way, which sometimes means that I don’t even consider whether I want to or have the space to do something, I just do it and run myself ragged, but he lives in a very “I will do what is important to me” way and that makes it much easier for him to consider whether he really wants something or not. For instance, he is one of the very few men I know who says no to sexual opportunity more frequently than he says yes because he’s not viewing it from the lens of opportunity but the lens of choice and connection and that is very awesome.

4.       It’s important to unpack my financial and economic privileges to realise that just because I don’t see money as “important” that doesn’t mean other people don’t have a different relationship with it. You only get to “money doesn’t buy happiness” when you’re able to use it to buy security, comfort and safety. I grew up in a financially-secure environment of abundance and even though I’ve been on my own since I was 18, growing up with wealth still came with a lot of privilege in terms of experience and how I approach the world, he grew up in a very different environment which means we approach disposable income and what money can buy in different ways. To me, I can say that material things don’t matter to me but that’s not a necessarily enlightened view, it’s often because I have had the opportunity to experience getting whatever I want, whereas to him, it is new. So, if I think it’s just normal to eat at a fancy restaurant or stay at a luxury resort, I should be mindful of people to whom this is aspirational and enjoyable for that very reason because they’ve had to work harder than I have to earn it and share their joy instead of downplaying whatever they are experiencing because I’ve experienced it before. Money is an uncomfortable discussion for people and it plays a role in relationships and it’s so important, for us, to have these discussions and make space for each other’s relationship with it. ([We did do an episode together on money in relationships and you can listen to that, for free, over here.][ https://www.patreon.com/posts/relationship-e7-91562845]

5.       You don’t have to be a dysfunctional person or endure an unhealthy relationship in order to satiate your more fucked up needs. I don’t mean pain or sexual activity that is fetishistic, I mean that some of us desire relationships that are unconventional or odd, and for a long time, I got that by being a dysfunctional person who had unhealthy relationships with other dysfunctional people and that was the best I thought I could do. When I met him, it would have been very easy to put my needs on trial, and because I was getting out of a horribly abusive relationship, to convince me that I should “seek the light” and abandon certain needs, but instead, he showed me that it is possible to have the relationship I want but to do it deliberately, thoughtfully and ethically while abandoning the dysfunction.

6.       We don’t always have to agree as parents. In some ways, “United Front” parenting makes the environment seem adversarial, and decreases the room there is to have real relationships with the people in the picture. When I started parenting, he had already been doing it for a while and since he was the only influence I had around me (for which I am glad), I watched how he parents. It’s not “agree with me” nor is it “we have to get to agreement” but it’s more “this is who I am as a person and what I bring to the table” which means that the child actually knows who we are as people and that means, sometimes he wants his advice (because he thinks he is better suited to advising on the subject) and sometimes he wants mine, and sometimes he thinks both of us are not ideally suited, but it allows us to live in a household where everyone can have a position and no one is obligated to agree because of roles, and it’s not a contentious thing.

7.       I don’t have to be intelligent, entertaining, contributing, productive or valuable all the time in order to deserve to exist (in a space or relationship). The very direct advice he once gave me about friendships was this: If your friend asks for help, help them, but if they’ve asked forty times and you have helped forty times and they seem not to do anything with it but keep coming back, draw boundaries around it because you don’t have to destroy your peace in order to be a “good” friend. That doesn’t mean you never help anyone again, it just means that with that one person, you now know what your boundaries are, and with the next person, it could be different, so you don’t need to apply the lesson from one relationship into another. You can still continue to give people that same chance you think you deserve. I have found this to be very helpful because it is easy to exist in extremes (for a certain type of person, anyway) and I can do all and I can do nothing, I can be completely open or completely closed but it’s much harder to be measured. He is measured.

8.       I do not have to pay the prettiness tax in order to be loved, desired or seen as attractive. I have heard the phrase “let herself go” all my life and it is always about how a woman has stopped dolling herself up and how that will definitely impact her relationship and her partner (hetero) won’t be interested in her anymore and I have always hated it. I bathe, I wear clean clothes and I wash my hands, but that is all, and I have had so many people caution me about my lack of “pretty” presentation being the reason why my partner would become disinterested or not be attracted to me anymore, and if that were the case, I think it would be a dealbreaker for me, but it’s not, at all. I don’t believe I need to be decoration in order to be loved by him or for him to want to rip my sensible, boring clothes to shreds. (Much longer discussion about the politics of pretty in the podcast)

9.       You don’t have to be a “good” person or an activist in large, consuming ways only, it is possible to be a changemaker in quieter ways that exist consistently within your realm of influence. (This discussion, on the podcast, is too long to transcribe so, listen?)

10.   I learnt how to be a better partner to my other partners (when they exist). He is a very good partner. He is emotionally available regardless of the nature of the relationship. He is proactive about setting and respecting boundaries. He does not shy away from difficult discussions. He is very considerate of people. If he drinks out of a bottle of water in your refrigerator, he will fill it and put it back in, and that is how he approaches all relationships as well. It’s inspirational to be with someone who is committed to self-examination for the sole purpose of treating people better. [I wrote about that in more detail over here][ https://fetlife.com/AncillaL/posts/8964884].

And that is all! Expect the podcast. You should listen to that.