Diary Of A Domme

Anyone who knows me, and by that I mean anyone who knows me sexually, is aware that there is no dominant side to me. I find absolutely no pleasure in hurting people either, and while there was once a very short phase I dabbled in sadism, the truth is that most of that experience only made me feel envious of the people I was hurting. I believe that phase was borne out of a deep desire to hurt myself. It's hard to explain because even though I have physically hurt myself before in life, I didn't know whether my responses to it were correct or real, and maybe I believed that seeing the responses of other people to pain I caused would clarify something for me. It clarified that I have no interest in topping. It gives me no pleasure. There is no high. It doesn't teach me anything.

However anyone who knows me also knows that I am a performer. I find performance not just deeply satisfying but also sexually gratifying. When I was a sex worker, that was the driving force. I enjoy finding and embodying the sexual ideal for people who come to me, and then toying with the obsession that generates. I also like making money off it. Of course I can make money other ways as well, and that's fine, but the money I make from my job or from writing is virtuous money to me and not because sex work is not virtuous, I am not virtuous as a sex worker and so the money feels inherently dirty because it's money I don't really need. I miss it. I miss being a involved in the industry of pleasure as a professional, but I don't want to fuck for money anymore. I don't have the time nor the desire to actually fuck a tonne of different men. Go figure.

So my friend and I started a pro-domming business. She is an actual dominant and she genuinely derives pleasure from humiliating and hurting people, she has wanted to do this her entire life but she didn't because of her partner. She doesn't want anyone to know, so I can really only talk about it here where no one from my life can see it (but of course my husband knows because I cannot do secrets and lies, they make me sick). While this excites her in some sexual way, it excites me in a different way. It excites the performer in me because this is a role I absolutely cannot take in naturally. I have no idea how to talk to people as the "dominant" in the equation so I've been asking my husband for help because he has a lot more experience in this field than I do. It's been interesting because, well, I've always wanted to watch him fuck a man, and he insists that I must let my dream die because that is not going to happen. However, in the process of teaching me to top people, he has been getting excited at the prospect of proxy-hurting men leading him to start considering the possibility that while his dick might be straight, his sadism may be more fluid. This excites me very much.

The other thing I have noticed so far is that there is a difference between submissive men and women, I don't want to make any arbitrary or binary observations about people in terms of gender and I have no doubt that NB or GF people don't necessarily display these distinctions I am noticing, nor do all men and women, but I do want to speak about what I am noticing. Men, are pushy. On the one hand they use these extremely respectful or reverent terms like "goddess" and "mistress" but at the heart of it, there is objectification here. I don't feel like any less of a service than I did when I was a prostitute, I just feel like the specific physical manifestation of the service I am providing is now different but essentially, I feel the same way as I did as a sex worker and I know that not all pro-dommes identify as sex workers but to me it feels like that. It doesn't feel like I am a goddess as much as a service top who gets paid.

What's fascinating is that they don't seem to see that angle at all. To them, the fact that I fuck an asshole or whip them just proves that they have accepted their "inferiority" to me. I'm also finding there is a different between their masochism and mine, and while mine is pain-based religion, theirs rarely mentions pain at all. It's really more about being mistreated and made to feel small, impact is fairly low on the list of male-sub demands I have encountered so far and when it does exist it is not because they want to experience pain, no one even talks about pain. Which is not to say men cannot be masochists, I do know male masochists but there is a distinct difference between them and these men. I can't completely put my finger on it yet but I'll get there, just gotta learn how to be a goddess first. That's really hard for a person who has a servant-soul.