Ancilla's Dirty Diary: "I'm Not Sure I Want To find Out Why. (24/11/21)

24 November 2021

You ever feel like you cannot identify your own intentions? I guess that's not as possible as I would like to think it is, and it is more likely that I don't want to admit what I know is the truth.

Yesterday, I had a very entertaining conversation with daddy getting him to admit that in actuality, he hates going down on women. I have always known this about him, but he has never been able to admit it, and in his defence, not only would he never admit that to anyone other than me, but he also is a very egalitarian lover so he would (and has throughout his life) gone down on many women with enthusiasm and to completion. Not me though. I mean, I'm not his love, I'm his slave so there's nothing egalitarian here anyway but also, I hate it, it's disgusting for me to think about someone's mouth on my cunt. It's easier to think of someone licking a toilet or the inside of a dumpster than it is to think about someone's tongue on my pussy. Yikes. It's not that he's never done it with me, we did it twice, in the first two years of our relationship, and I think that may have just been for him to ascertain that I really didn't like it. I don't. The things I had to fantasize about to get through it, I cannot tell you.

I discovered, also, that he doesn't like it, but he's a "good guy," you know? He'll never say that. I've been sure for years though. I'll tell you why, it's because I have been with people who liked doing it and couldn't because I wasn't into it, and while most of them didn't make me feel bad or try to push me (okay, the women didn't push me), they did bring it up. They did venture, with their mouths, in the direction of my cunt. Not my husband. Nope. He wipes his fingers (off me, usually) the second he is done touching my cunt and while the last time I washed my hands after sex was in 2006, he does it almost everytime. And, he just doesn't put his mouth on my body, like nowhere below the neck, and this is how I know that soulmates might be real, because I spent half my life complaining about people who tried to suck, kiss or lick my body and how that was horrible even when I was being paid for it, and I find the one guy who has no interest in his mouth being anywhere on me. How!? How if not magic?

I don't care that he doesn't want to put his mouth on me, actually, I love it. I don't have any interest in feeling like his lover nor in seeing him invested in my pleasure or satisfaction. I intend to go through life displeased and thoroughly unsatisfied, and that feeling of neglect that comes with never feeling the warm breath of your partner between your legs is much hotter than anything any tongue can do for me. He cares though. He was bent on maintaining the facade forever. He feels bad about not liking going down on women. It worse than that actually, I believe he finds it disgusting, and yesterday, I got him to say it but he would only say it with regard to me (because each time he said it, I got very turned on). He says he finds my oral sex obsession extremely bizarre. I don't get it, I don't get why anyone wouldn't want to have their face covered and sopping wet in cunt (or cock, I'm not picky), but to him that's horrible. I liked hearing him tell the truth though, and I enjoyed the process of getting it out. I've never brought my job to my bedroom in quite this way before.

I was just surprised by how hard it was for him to admit it but today I'm thinking about things that are hard for me to admit. I think, I think, I didn't polish his shoes this week on purpose. I do it twice every week, and the fail-rate is about 4-times a year (and usually for good reason, not that he cares about any good reason, but he admits it when the reason is justifiable, and then punishes me anyway). I usually do it on Sunday, and then Thursday. Sunday rolled by, and I didn't do it. Then Monday came and he asked me to have it done before the next morning. I still didn't do it. In fact, there was a moment when I picked up the shoe brush, and polish, stared at them, and then put them back down. He doesn't know that, and I am very aware that I will tell him, I almost told him last night, but then I lost all coherence to pain. I still haven't done it and I don't quite know why.  

Or maybe I know. The thing is that I would do it, right? But I had the urge not to, and if I had done it, he wouldn't have seen the urge, and I want him to see the urge. To teach me not to feel the urge. It sounds like I just want to be bad for the sake of what comes after, but I feel bad, and I don't know how that would ever show if I continue my perfectly disciplined behaviour. So I suppose I can identify my intention, I just worry about admitting it to him, not because he will hurt me, that's happening one way or another, but because I sense he is waiting for it, and I don't know why. I am not sure I want to find out why either.