Ancilla's Dirty Diary: Entry 3 (10/09/21)

Note: Welcome to my journal. This is a new segment. It's an unfiltered collection of my thoughts and relationship. It's an erotic journal so it's mostly dirty. It's more loose and unstructured than most of my writing, and much more blatant, something of an extension of my actual journal that I write with a pen. Some of these pieces will be short and others longer. It's a journal, I can't control how much I feel about my day. You can find all the pieces under the tag "Ancilla's Dirty Diary".  

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10 September 2021 

I don't know how it is possible to crave his touch this much and be unable to ask for it. It's not that I don't want to admit to him that I want to be touched, and it's not even that he doesn't know. He knows and maybe if I begged enough he would even indulge me, but I can't bring myself to do it. It's not about pride, I really have none when it comes to him, and I beg for anything with ease. Somehow, it's the opposite. I'm not too prideful to ask, I'm too ashamed. Sometimes my own motivations are hard to comprehend, and I wonder why I must subject myself to so much hurt and reduction. It's past the point where this is what I absolutely need. I need some things, sexually, to feel satisfied, like pain and a little violence, but I don't need this. This is purely indulgent. Sometimes I have to wonder why I take the actual time and effort it demands of me to incorporate all of this into my life. This ideas that I am smaller, unworthy and dirty. It's not necessary. 

And to say it is rewarding isn't entirely honest either. I get something from it for sure. I get whatever you get when a piece of art moves you. I get that but it's an erotic flavour of that. I don't think it makes me better person nor does it really contribute to any meaningful growth in myself or habits. Those things are for me to do. This, is purely decadent. I wonder of that is why I crave it so. I have a fairly utilitarian approach to life. Aesthetics are not my strong suit, but sexually, I'm a different person in some ways. I am endlessly chasing aesthetics and decadence. I wonder if it's necessary, but never enough to do anything about it, because, I do know, I know it is not necessary. It doesn't seem to matter at all. I am very invested in seeing how far an aesthetic interest in being a small, broken thing can go. It's easily as interesting as a reading a life-changing book but slower. It's questionable though. Sometimes I think all of it is a little questionable. 

But impossible to explain what it does to long for his touch. It's impossible to explain what it really means. 

It sounds like a simple sentence that offers so little information but it's so much more. I long for it, I don't ask, because that doesn't seem like something I should be allowed to do, because that's what I let him teach him, and he could because I let myself change how I behave because he asked. The touch I long for is not even about satisfaction, I'm not even about satisfaction, that's a scary place to me. I'd rather live in the jungles of stormy torment than experience the clarity of watching the sun rise. It's about the few moments he lets me feel entirely human. I don't feel that when he beats me, not when he fucks me. Only when he touches my cunt, because that's the only time he lets me have whatever reactions I may. It's the only time he lets me say whatever I want. He doesn't tell me to be quiet. He doesn't tell me to suppress my responses. He doesn't tell me to bear or persevere. He lets me be human. 

But I can't ask for it. 

I can't ask for it, I must let him get to it whenever he wants. I don't think that's a humane expectation, but he doesn't seem to have many of those, and I love that about him. He doesn't want to make me a better person, he doesn't want to fix my life using the benevolence of his control, not at all, he just wants to have fun with me. There is no goal except to explore the entire realm of weirdly aesthetic sexual pleasure. He doesn't want to teach me lessons or give me tasks. There isn't any of that. He wants to show me he can change who I am, and I want to see it, because all the changes he makes so unnecessary and whimsical, I can't believe I'd ever see the point. Yet I do whatever he wants of me, even when it is impossible and insane.