Ancilla's Dirty Diary: Entry 2 (9/9/21)

Note: Welcome to my journal. This is a new segment. It's an unfiltered collection of my thoughts and relationship. It's an erotic journal so it's mostly dirty. It's more loose and unstructured than most of my writing, and much more blatant, something of an extension of my actual journal that I write with a pen. Some of these pieces will be short and others longer. It's a journal, I can't control how much I feel about my day. You can find all the pieces under the tag "Ancilla's Dirty Diary".  

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9 September 2021 

Every night these days I go to bed knowing my morning will start with the warmth of his piss rolling down my back, my neck, and all over the rest of my body. I feel like that's one of the reasons I am unable to fall asleep. I'm unable to fall asleep. Last night I lay awake for at least three hours after he went to bed. I was thinking about our evening, and the day to come, and somehow thinking turned so easily into fixating, I found myself sitting up in bed and staring at the corner in which I spent the evening. Master keeps putting me in the corner. For a long time I thought of corners as a place you put errant children in a time-out, it's not just that. It's a dirty, dark place where they put unworthy, forgotten slaves that are being punished not for failing, but for being. The corner is an uncomfortable place.

But like many other nights, last night too, he took me there to talk. Just to talk. I sat there naked on the floor with my legs spread wide open and my back against the corner, and he sat on a giant chair with his feet against my chest. He did talk to me. He talked more than he usually does, and a lot of it was honest and clinical, but tender. He was tender even when he fucked me with his foot. Or, at least, his foot was tender, his message less so. Emotionally, I've been going through something, not something difficult or traumatic, I've been going through some kind of transition of focus on this relationship. Normally, I love it when he touches my cunt, whether it is with his hand or foot, doesn't matter as much as I relish the feeling of his skin on me. Yesterday (and for some time now), the moment any part of his skin makes contact with my cunt, I feel terribly inadequate instead. The first words out of my mouth are apologies. I feel so ashamed when he touches the hot wet mess that I cannot help but apologise. 

I was explaining the nature of the shame to him last night. It's the shame you feel when you serve an over-salted, undercooked dish to a seasoned chef. That's the shame I feel when he touches my cunt. I've always enjoyed long-term denial, but it's always been orgasm denial. Of late, I want to be denied everything. I don't want to be touched, unless he wants to touch me for whatever reason. I don't want to be teased, unless it's to hurt me or just remind me of what I miss. I don't even want to fucked unless it's just for him to cum (and/or hurt me). I want to be removed from the equation of pleasure altogether. I want to mean nothing at all to it. That's what the corner feels like. It feels like a place where I am and mean nothing to him. As he fucked me with his foot he reminded me of all the times in the past when he was kicking me instead, and all the little transgressions that led to it. And I do mean little, sometimes (or always) he is unreasonable. He demands things that aren't possible, and actually holds me accountable when I cannot give them to him. 

Yet when he said that I felt terrible, I felt like I could spend my entire life being punished by him and never believe that it was enough suffering to make up for what I had done. He said he was being gentler because I was behaving well, but I feel like he's never been so cruel. There is a pain deep inside my cunt, six inches deep and it's a pain from being constantly aroused and neglected. It's a different pain than the pain of a clit that gets nothing but arousal, no relief, it's deep inside, and much more intense. I told him about the pain, and he told me he would make it so much worse I would cry all day. Does that really sound like he's being gentler because I am behaving better?