On Treatment-Resistant Depression

CW: I’m going to Be Real and talk about treatment-resistant depression and how it affects my life for a minute.

**You don’t have to read this!**

But I do want to share it for transparency’s sake.

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So…right now, I’m pending approval for rTMS therapy (“magnet therapy”) because my depression is treatment-resistant. Some medication will work…for a certain period of time - sometimes, somewhat. Some medication doesn’t work at all. It’s like musical chairs trying to find the right concoction at the right dose, at the right time of day.

While my current meds do take some of the edge off, I’m still struggling to get out of bed, get proper nutrition, focus, work, socialize, and similar about 3 or 4 days of the week. This can cause a cascading effect, aggravating physical conditions I manage.

It’s been a 15 year ride with this beast so far. The severity will ebb and flow, but it’s always there to some extent. Because of this, I refer to my ‘episodes’ as ‘waves’ instead. Some waves are triggered by a life event, some by the change of seasons (notably late summer going into autumn), and some by seemingly nothing at all.

I’m hopeful I’ll find relief through rTMS, even if some degree of relapse may be inevitable. I do remember what life was like before I had Baby’s First Depression. It will never be the same as back then, but I know it can absolutely be better than this.

Regarding productivity: I’m aware that, at least compared to 2020 - 2022, Ive slowed down quite a bit. Last year I gradually took the steps needed to remove a huge portion of work-related pressure. While I also took a large pay cut to do that, I’m much more concerned about my ability to function right now.

But regardless of all that, I do have a positive attitude going forward. I WANT to do everything that I’m currently doing - I genuinely enjoy it, even if my brain isn’t getting the memo right now. I’m grateful that I have the option to even seek treatment at all and for my ability to produce artwork. While finishing 2 commissions a month isn’t my once lofty 5/6 per month, it sure as hell is better than finishing none.

And uh…that’s about it!

Please take care of yourself and your health, mental and otherwise. See you in February!

- Squeaks