Doing Business, Part 3

Three

So, how is my new internship going? Well, funny you should ask. The CEO of my company has asked me to be her personal office plaything and has convinced me to wear–and use–diapers while calling her ‘Mommy.’ You know, it’s a really rewarding experience. One that will surely benefit my career aspirations.

While I hadn’t actually said that to my roommate when he asked how my internship was going, I had been trying to imagine how absurd it would’ve sounded if I said the truth. There didn’t seem to be a way to present it that didn’t look crazy, however.

“Want to go down to the cafeteria with me and grab some coffee?” Lyndie asked soon after I arrived at The Closet.

I felt my cheeks warm a little. It’d be hard to explain why I couldn’t, but…I couldn’t. I had other obligations.

“Maybe I’ll meet up with you in a little bit,” I said. “I’ve got to go see…HR.”

“Really? How come?” It didn’t come off as doubt, just curiosity. Which was probably the better of the two options, though I’d rather she just didn’t ask questions at all.

“Just a little snafu with the intern paperwork from the school, I think. Nothing serious.”

“Huh,” she said. “Do you think I should go too? Make sure all my stuff is in order?”

“N-no, I think you’re probably good,” I said. “Or…you know, they’d call you down if they needed you to.”

She shrugged. “Whatever. Alright, I guess I’ll see you later.”

While seeming like a pretty mundane situation, it had served as a reminder of the potential stakes of this strange new world I was entering with Ms. Heller. I’d need better excuses, and more of them.

It was the most confident trip I had made to Ms. Heller’s office yet, with barely any doubts about the path I was supposed to take.

“Good morning, Clark.”

It wasn’t the bitter-sounding tone of Daniel that I expected. It was Ms. Heller herself, waiting for me in the hallway, beckoning for me to follow her into the office.

“Good morning,” I said. Just talking to her made my cheeks flush with warm blood. It was astonishing how quickly she managed to have a hold on me.

No sooner than I had stepped into her office, I saw that a diaper was already waiting for me atop her desk. It just sat there in clear view, as if it was a pad of paper or her phone. I tried to imagine how she’d react if it was someone else walking into her office right now–would she have quickly hidden it? Or did it just stay out like that?

At her level, would anyone even dare question it if they thought they saw a large diaper on her desk?

“No Daniel today?” I asked.

“Starting today, Daniel will no longer be part of the company,” she said, closing the door to her office.

“Oh…”

“He won’t be giving you trouble any longer.”

“Did you…fire him?”

“Let him go,” she said. “It’s less harsh. And he got a severance too.”

“But…I’m just an intern,” I said. “He…he was a full time employee and…”

“I know when someone isn’t a good fit for my company,” she said. “If it makes you feel better, I can assure you that I already had my doubts about him. Besides, it’s not like I’ll be going without help for much longer.”

I opened my mouth, speaking like a true naive little boy: “Oh, are you hiring someone new to replace him?”

She smiled. “I have someone in mind, yes. But why don’t we talk about that later? For now, we ought to get you in today’s diaper.”

“Oh, well actually…”

“No chit-chat, Clark. On the ground now. On your back.”

I thought I had something else to contribute, a relevant tidbit as it were, but I wasn’t about to give her the impression that I was being defiant. I did as she asked, quickly flattening myself on the ground.

“That’s a good little boy,” she said. The pacifier was in her hand again, and she pressed it between my lips. Unlike the last time, I was ready for it. In fact, I welcomed it. “That’s a good baby. Suckle on that while Mommy takes care of you.”

She took my shoes off, setting them aside. I held my breath as she slid my pants down my legs. I knew what she was going to see–the very thing I was going to tell her of a moment ago, had I been allowed to talk.

“Well now,” she said. “This is a surprise. You’ve come to me pre-diapered today?”

I shook my head.

“Ah yes.” Her smile grew in size. “This is the same diaper you left my office in yesterday.”

I nodded.

“It’s…heavy.” She took a long slow drag of the air around my diaper through her nose. “A little stinky too. Old pee, hmm?”

I shrugged. I thought I would’ve defended myself. I would’ve explained why I was still wearing that diaper. But in the moment, suckling on the rubber bulb of the pacifier as she knelt between my legs, it didn’t seem all that important to. Surely, she could figure it out on her own.

She did. “I suspect someone would much rather have me change their diaper for them.”

My cheeks felt as if they were glowing. It had been a hard night. Not only did I need to hide my crinkling diaper from my roommate, but I had to limit the amount I ate and drank–as to ensure that I didn’t fill the diaper beyond a capacity where I couldn’t wear it to work the next day.

“This feels like a gift to me,” she said. “The little puppy rolling over and showing me his belly.”

I nodded. She could see right through me.

Her hand reached out and began to slowly rub my stomach. “You wet this diaper a bit, but… You went the whole night, and the whole morning, without taking the diaper off?”

“Mmhmm,” I moaned through the pacifier.

“My word. And you spent the whole day yesterday in a diaper, just wetting it once for me. Isn’t that right?”

I nodded once more.

“Well then you’re holding back on me. I bet you’re full of all kinds of things that you’re just holding onto, hmm?”

My bladder needed release again. My bowels too. It hadn’t been terrible until this morning, when the waves of cramping pains would start washing over me.

“That’s no good,” she said. “Quite unhealthy. You’re going to have to get it all out.”

I opened my mouth, letting the pacifier tumble out from my lips and onto the ground next to me. “N-no… I’m okay.”

“You realize that now that you’re expected to wear diapers, the restrooms are off limits to you, yes?”

“Well…”

“Clark. Baby. Let me spell it out for you: Your options are to either hold it in all day long, have an actual accident in your diapers while you work, or to take this opportunity here and now–in my office–to do your dirty business and then let me change you into a fresh diaper.”

The optimist in me thought that I might just be able to last another day. Then, tonight, I’d go home and spend an hour on the toilet. The realist in me knew I’d never make it. Given the choice of using the diaper in front of Ms. Heller, or at some unknown time–but probably while in the Closet–using the diaper in front of Lyndie, I knew what the better choice was.

“Just go,” she said. “Let it all out.”

“But…”

“Do I need to buy a strap to keep this in your mouth?” she asked, picking up the pacifier and popping it back into my mouth again. “I can assume you see the logic in not waiting an entire day to use a potty, yes?”

I sighed, nodding once more.

“Good. So it’s settled, then? You’ll stay here until you’ve done your business in the diaper. And then I’ll change you.” She stood up.

I knew I probably shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t just let this moment pass without saying something. I spit the pacifier out into my hand, propping my upper body up a little bit. “You want me to just stay in…here? All day? In your office? Until I…”

She crossed her arms in front of her as she looked down at me. “I thought it was all rather clear. But, maybe it’s harder to understand when you’re just a little baby. Let me see if I can say it in a way that you can understand it better.” She took on a sarcastic and condescending tone: “Wittle baby is gonna stay in Mommy’s office until he makes his poopies in his wittle pampers. Is that better?”

My mouth opened to respond–but, really, what was I going to say? Even if she hadn’t made her expectations clear–and she did–I wasn’t going to last another day.

“Am I to take this silence as compliance?” she asked.

I nodded.

“Very good. I don’t imagine you have much to do this morning, yes? I think you’ll be fine just waiting here until you’re able to do your, uh, business.” She chuckled to herself, seemingly delighted by the use of ‘business.’

She was right. Were I back in The Closet again, I’d be doing school work while listening to Lyndie complain about something. I gave her another affirmative nod.

“Well some of us are busy mommies who have work to do,” she said, returning to her desk. “I want you to stay right there on the floor, and I don’t want you to get up until you’ve gone and filled up that diaper. I don’t care how long it takes. And, after you’re done, I want you to tell me.”

And just like that, she moved on with her morning, leaving me on the floor. No pants, just a diaper. The room had fallen quiet, save for the quiet rustling of the wet diaper and the clacking of her typing at her computer.

It was yesterday all over again. All I had to do was use the diaper–something that should be no problem at all, given the pressure in my bowels–but there was this psychological block preventing me from just letting go. My body knew where I was supposed to do this, and it wasn’t a diaper.

But I had time. All day, if needed.

I wondered what Lyndie was doing by herself in The Closet. Was she thinking about me? Wondering where I was? Would she question my absence when I returned? What believable excuse could I possibly use?

I had to close my eyes and concentrate to do it, but I was at least able to wet myself again. It was such a relief to ease at least some of the tension in my body. The already-sopping diaper grew warm again, and I felt the wetness spread to new areas of the diaper as the liquid sought new padding to saturate. It would’ve been blissful if I hadn’t recognized another new feeling on my legs.

I took the pacifier out of my mouth. “Ms. Heller?”

“I won’t be answering to that name again while we’re in my office,” she said, without looking away from her computer.

“Uhm…Mommy?”

She smiled, now turning her face towards me. “Yes, sweetkins? Did baby do a boom boom in his diaper?”

“N-no.”

“Well then why are we talking?”

“Well…I’m, uhm, peeing. And I think the diaper is…leaking?”

“That’s fine,” she said. “You know what to do to get a fresh one.”

“But…it’s leaking onto your carpet and–”

“We have an exceptional cleaning staff, Baby. Why don’t you let Mommy worry about cleaning up after your puddles, okay? You just go back to working on that special little project I gave you.”

“Yes, okay.”

She tilted her head, as if expecting me to say something specific. I knew what she wanted to hear.

“Yes, Mommy.”

Another cramp rolled through my abdomen. Inside of me, it was war. I wanted to wait. But I also wanted release.

I wanted to fill my diaper while sitting in a puddle on the floor of my boss’s office.

The phone rang. “This is Gabby.”

I tried to listen intently, even if I was just getting half of the conversation. Listening to this company’s CEO talking business on the phone felt like a privilege and an honor. And while I never doubted her ability to lead, it was hearing her wield her power that further proved to me why she was running the company.

“I heard what you said you wanted to do,” Ms. Heller said to the person on the other end of the call. “But I want to know what you’re going to do.”

Her tone on the call wasn’t surprising to me–even if I had never heard this tone for myself before. She was, after all, CEO. Maybe there were exceptions, but I doubt that few made it to that level of the corporate ladder without having an edge to them.

I struggled to find the word to best describe how I felt. ’Comfort’ came closest, though it did feel like a strange word to use. Outside of this office, hundreds of people were starting their workdays. Coffee was being brewed, computers were being turned on, meeting invites were being sent out. And yet there I was, sitting on the CEO’s floor in a diaper, listening to her berate someone who I’d probably never have to interact with myself. It reminded me of being an actual child–sitting in my own little bubble, completely unaware of the real world moving around me.

I tuned in again, having spaced out for a moment: “...and I simply don’t find that acceptable,” she was saying. “Previously, you gave me your word that this situation was going to be taken care of. That was, what, two weeks ago? I wasn’t even thinking about it, because I sincerely believed that you were going to take care of it then. But this still hasn't been resolved?”

I wasn’t even sure if she was speaking to the same person anymore. Slowly, her voice faded into the background as I focused on my diaper once again. This swollen soggy lump between my legs. I was in need of a change–nobody could deny that. Ms. Heller knew that too, though she demanded one more thing. One more, tiny little insignificant thing.

I just had to poop my pants.

My mind flipped through the archives, trying to remember if I had any memory of ever having done such a dirty thing. But I was coming up empty. As best as I could recall, I had never faltered on my potty training.

On one hand, this would be quite the streak to be breaking now. On the other…this wouldn’t be an ‘accident.’ It’s not an accident if you do it on purpose–if that sort of thing actually mattered to me.

Did it?

“...and there are three different reports that came to the same conclusion about where those numbers are trending,” she was saying on the phone.

I didn’t want to poop my pants. Yet, I wasn’t sure what other way there was out of this situation. If I stood up, put my pants on, and walked out the door–what would she even do?

Cancel the internship? Did I even care about that? No, not especially.

Fuck. I knew the truth: I did want to poop my pants. I mean, no, that specific act didn’t sound fun in itself. But I wanted to make Ms. Heller happy. I wanted to play her game. If she made me dress up like a mouse and put me in a giant wheel to run in all day, I probably would’ve done that too. I wouldn’t have liked it. But I would’ve liked earning her approval.

So how do I do this now? How do I just…poop?

“...have to run it again. We can’t afford not to at this point. If we’re going to hit our expected growth then…”

It had taken me most of a workday to piss myself. I wondered how long I’d be sitting here on her floor. Two weeks?

I felt another pang of discomfort in my guts. No, I was pretty sure it wouldn’t take two weeks, and it wouldn’t take me all day either. I wasn’t sure what had changed, but I could feel something was different. All I had to do was give my body the command, and I knew I’d be able to empty myself into the diaper.

“...not happy about it, plain and simple. Do you understand…”

It was getting harder to focus on her voice. All I could think about now was the diaper between my legs and what I would be doing in it soon. Any minute now. Whenever I was ready.

It happened a few times: I’d psyche myself up, take a deep breath, close my eyes and begin to push. Then, as I’d start to feel my sphincter reacting to my demands, I’d shut it all down.

This is really going to happen. It could happen at any moment I want.

For as long as I held it, I felt like I was still Clark Ashburn. I was still in a strange spot, but a normal life still felt like it was within my grasp.

But once I let go…I felt like the world was going to change. I’d be hers, and I’d have declared to her that she could make me do anything she wanted. This would be the very tip of the iceberg.

“...and that’s what I’m saying,” she said into the phone. “You need to trust me and…”

Okay, fine. Here we go.

I released an embarrassingly long fart into the diaper–a low-end bass tone that seemed to reverberate in the sodden garment. It was too late to stop it now, and it seemed to play out in slow motion. I pushed everything out of my body, and I felt the mass creep out from me, slowly filling the limited space between my legs. And when that was filled, it seemed to seep into any other available space.

It was a relief to have finished. I almost didn’t care about the absurdity of it all. Did I just shit myself in a diaper on the floor of Gabrielle Heller’s office? It didn’t matter. For a moment, I just felt good. I…felt proud of myself; like I had accomplished something.

It was the smell of the diaper, whacking me in the face, that brought me back to reality.

Oh shit. It smelled foul. Of course it did–it was supposed to. Yet somehow I hadn’t thought about this part of it, and now I burned with humiliation. Sitting in my own stink. My own filth. Was I really any different than an actual baby?

“...have lots of things to consider. I think you and I need to set up a meeting and…” This time, it wasn’t my focus that was fading. It was her voice. I could see it on her face as she looked down at me–she smelled my diaper for the first time. “Actually,” she said into the phone. “I’m going to have to call you back. I have an entirely different kind of mess to take care of here.”

She hung up the phone and stared down at me without saying a word. It was probably just a few seconds, but it felt like hours. She She slowly stood, her hands on her hips. She was smiling.

“Has anyone ever told you that they’re proud of you for filling up a diaper?”

“No,” I said. “I don’t think so.”

“Well, today’s your lucky day.” She circled around her desk, walking closer to me. She took in a few more deep breaths through her nose. “I am very proud of you.”

I exhaled, realizing that I had been holding my breath. It felt official now–I was hers. This was just the beginning.

“Such a stinky, stinky, little boy. Do you have anything to say for yourself, baby?”

I thought about it for a moment. I wanted to say something, but I wanted it to count. I wanted to tell her that I was all in. I wanted her to know that she could have her way with me–whatever way that was.

But, surely, she already knew that.

So I opened my mouth and just said the first thing that came to mind: “I…need to be changed, Mommy.”