What a world what a world

I, do apologize for a kind of, lack of many updates, popping in occasionally and reporting some and then saying "I'm doing better!" when in actuality I'm kind of trying to placebo myself into being better, everything has been like, a constant push and pull of steps forwards and backwards and nothing much truly happens. Its not ever one single problem, life is complicated, situation improves in one place, a different situation gets worse.

I, tend to not like going into too much detail on my problems, I tend to not want people to know too much about me, I'm rather afraid of people making some para-social bond, but I know that isn't all of it, there's lots of un-learning of behaviors that were forced upon me when I was growing up. I don't want to seem, weak? Seem like I'm trying to make excuses? Something like that I don't know. I am not the pinnacle of mental health, I compare myself to a shattered mirror a lot, I only really feel comfortable explaining what that means to people rather close to me.

I think its still crazy how many people are supporting me here, only getting a few bucks from so many people each month is enough to keep me going. I just wish I wasn't, full of anxiety over waking up one day and then learning that patreon or a payment processor deciding my income should be gone.

I wish I wasn't having anxiety attacks over the US Government with every day new terrible news coming out. At the very least I'm not in a hell state where I'm afraid of someone pulling a gun on me because of who I am and then getting away with it.

Its honestly insane that with all of this going on I still just have to, live, normally, have relationship troubles, all these mundane household things. Try and make art when I can. Its strange how the normalcy here while reading terrible news every day or two.

I'm not going to give up, I enjoy what I can.