Lord of the Hammer: The Lost Chapter Part 2

Gerson Boom continues the sordid tale of one of his biggest misadventures, with weighty consequences for him for years to come. Enjoy!

**************

"So, here's something I don't understand Dad…"

"Eh? What's that?"

Alvin and Gerson had just finished lunch, the two turtle-like monsters having just recounted one of Gerson's most embarrassing adventures. Alvin had to prod his father back awake before looking back to his notes. "Well. I don't understand how you got out and… Where did all this weight go?"

"Ah, come on, boy…" Gerson grumbled, waving off Alvin's questions. "It's humiliating enough I even told you about this…"

"Well? You want to leave it half-finished and just leave me coming up with something even worse?" Alvin asked.

The old turtle rolled his eyes. "Alright, alright… Where was I?"

"I believe you were scared of getting wedged into the stonework of the temple you discovered."

Ah, right… Well, I couldn't stop growing. I was already stuck in the archway leading to the temple's main sanctuary, and every time I breathed in, I tasted some other strange but delicious meal. I had never had such tastes on my tongue, but they just kept coming with every time I breathed in the air.

"Why didn't you try holding your breath?" Alvin asked.

"Well… because suffocating to death was hardly an option!" Gerson scoffed.

"Dad… we're turtles." Alvin gestured between himself and his father. "We can hold our breath for several hours at a time. You taught me how to do that!"

"I…" Gerson slowly frowned as realization dawned on him. "Well— that's… Just, leave that part out of the notes!"

Anyways. As I breathed in, my body continued to expand until finally the stonework buckled under the mass and size of my own belly— and finally, I could force myself through, integrity of the architecture notwithstanding. I was horrified about the implications now surrounding me; if I got big enough, I might lose control of my motor skills, rendered immobile— and then what would become of me? I tried to keep a cool head, look for anything that could explain this phenomenon, and then I saw it. On a raised dais in the center of the chamber was an altar, with a broken statue of the same Great Mother figure I had seen all across the artwork of the temple; the goddess' head was on the floor. If I could appease the goddess, maybe, just maybe, the curse would be lifted.

"I don't think I've ever heard of weight loss through divine grace before…" Alvin muttered.

"Well let's see you come up with a better idea when you've suddenly quadrupled in size, smart guy!" Gerson scoffed.

I struggled to get to the top of the dais— oh, it was murder on my feet and knees! Hundreds of pounds hanging off my frame, my legs each thicker than kegs, rolling off each other. I needed so much space, and I was forced into such an ungainly waddle, every step was arduous and difficult to maintain balance. I only had one shot at this as I forced myself up the stairs, my growing gut bouncing off my knees every time I had to lift my legs. I could feel my arms growing thicker, and eventually got so large, I could feel my own love handles pushing my arms up, limiting my range of reach. When I got to the top, I felt I might just fall over. I was panting, and my body continued to grow— it felt like whoever was behind this had finally run out of recipes, as I was starting to taste familiar flavors on the air. I thought maybe the strange, fattening air might finally wear out— especially since I realized, with my gut pressing against the altar and then spilling over the top of it, I couldn't see the statue's head any more, anyways. 

Again, I thought maybe I would stay here until the air thinned out. If the flavors were repeating, maybe it was running out of material— but eventually, I got too big for the dais. My legs were starting to grow weak, my strength finally starting to give out, and then it happened. I lost my balance, and when I tried to catch myself against the altar, I could reach past my own fat folds, so instead I started falling backwards.

It's a very strange sensation, feeling one part of your body fall, when you're big enough parts of you just… sink. I could feel the momentum shift, like slowly losing balance on a bike. As I started tipping over, my own rear was so big I wasn't even sure I hit the ground until the sudden falling sensation stopped, but then, the rest of me started rotating. I was rolling back down the stairs, like a giant boulder. I had completely lost control as I started building up momentum, picking up speed. By the time I hit the ground, I was rolling so fast I couldn't even stop to think or try to grab something to slow myself down. By the time I hit the broken archway, it was like getting a strike on a bowling lane— I knocked the masonry aside, and I barely felt it, nothing more than getting poked or pinched in the sides, I had so much padding on me.

From there, I just kept rolling— it was only then that I realized I had been slowly climbing upwards as I made my way to the sanctuary, so I just kept picking up speed and momentum. I was getting insanely dizzy, the entire temple was a blur— I briefly saw one of my assistants whizz by me, and when I tried to call out for help, I only belched loud enough to shake the stone walls. I could hear others chasing after me to try and stop, and then, wham! I came to a sudden stop, wedged tight in the opening archway of the temple, suddenly face to face with every single one of my colleagues staring back at me. I was staring at them, they were staring at me— the only thing I could think to do to break the tension was ask what was for dinner.

"And that really is the end of it— they had to squeeze me out, and then the dig went on, though no one ever passed the same levels I did, just to be safe," Gerson said.

"But you still didn't tell me how you lost the weight, Dad," Alvin said.

"Oh? Looking to lose that spare tire poking out from under your cassock?" Gerson asked wryly, then cackled as Alvin let out a small gasp and looked down at your waist. "I'm kidding, sonny, kidding! Ah… I'm afraid there was nothing special about my weight loss. Just a very, very, very severe diet. Though right now, I would kill for some dessert. What'd you see in the fridge?"