an update about me and patreon and sexy stuff

in this post i mention depression, hope that doesn't offend u, and sorry for the whole ass novel i wrote

So it's probably not lost on most of you that I've definitely been way more inactive online this month. If I've disappointed anyone with that, I am so, so sorry. From the bottom of my heart. I get that "they" say we should be gentle with ourselves with right now, and I totally believe that. Despite that, I'm still really disappointed with myself right now. Even if you aren't.

Basically, my life used to be a lot more vibrant and full of purpose before quarantine, so as a result of losing ... literally all of the things that made my life that way, I've felt way less vibrant. And a lot more purposeless. A small part of this might have to do with burnout, and the things I talked about in my last ramble. But I don't really feel burnt out, per se. Really, I just feel hella depressed. 

I've gotten to be a pro at dealing with my depression over the years, and have never been able to shake it completely, but I've learned to coexist with it, be chill with it, and I know how to ride this stuff out!! But now... I can't force myself to go to the gym, I can't make myself drive to the therapy session, I can't will myself to go hang out with a bunch of friends when I'd rather just isolate. Obviously, there's Zoom and teletherapy and walks outside and at-home workouts, but those things aren't adequate replacements. I can't explain why they're not adequate, but they just aren't. Those things aren't working, and I feel like they should work, but they don't. So... I can't really deal with my depression. I mean, I can, I'm fine. But also, I can't, and I'm not fine. Does that make any sense?

Anyway, it's also not lost on me that I'm really lucky, in the sense that I've got a roof over my head and I'm physically healthy. That's definitely something. I'm grateful for that.

So, how that affects my ability to do audios: 

Creatively, I can't write for shit. I've sat down and tried to write my own scripts that I was really excited about just two weeks ago, and then cried, because I've been staring at a blank page, and why can't I do anything meaningful anymore, why can't I even have this to look forward to? Not to be super dramatic about it. It's not even like I feel this great pressure from you all, it's like, I just want something to make me feel happy, or feel anything at all really, and I'm just... shooting blanks. 

The other thing is that my libido has gone from overdrive, to, like, I don't know, I'm horny sometimes, and most of the time I'm not. This was always meant to be something that was fun for me. So I don't want, and I think you wouldn't want, for me to pretend I'm feeling a certain way when I'm not. And I'm still sitting down and recording when I catch myself in the mood to. But before, I was pretty much always in the mood, and I could do it regularly, on my own lil cute schedule.

At the moment, if I didn't have this community to focus on & be creative with, I'd have pretty much nothing else to do except for playing animal crossing and finishing out the last bits of my classes. So, no, I definitely don't want to just give up. And recording audios actually does still bring me happiness, when I'm in the mood for it. It still feels really good to make something creative that I'm proud of.

I've talked to some of you about it here and there, and you've been so supportive and kind, and offered me some suggestions that aren't just what I was thinking, which was to just ditch all of this all together. It's not that I wanted to take a hiatus-- like I said, I don't wanna give up. At all. At the same time... Despite how kind you've all been, I've still been kinda operating under the assumption that no one really cares unless I'm showing the facet of emma that is happy and peppy and sweet and horny. Not because I think that's a bad thing, I think that's totally fair, honestly. But if I'm being honest with myself, that just seems like the realistic thing to think so, ... oh man, okay-

This is where I go back and forth. Okay. Hang on. Um?? Okay. Laying it out::::: 

this is the actual important information you want to know probably, if you're sticking around for May:

I don't know that I can promise you an emmafielder™ original audio for May. I'm definitely gonna try, though.

I also don't know that I can really promise a certain number of sexy audios. But I am still going to *aim* for what I've normally put out in the past. 

I CAN put out stuff that doesn't require being in h-word hours. I can read weird poems and some of my favorite monologues from plays and stuff. I can ramble and do q&as and stuff like that. I've already recorded some ukulele covers for hitting 75 patrons, and that was. so fun. 

I CAN still put out a free audio here and there on GWA, because doing stuff that's scripted by other people is pretty chill.

I feel like I've been doing everything I can to feel normal again, but I don't know when that will happen, really. And I feel like I wanna re-evaluate at the end of May.

Personally, honestly, I feel like the most fair thing to do is to just pause billing for May. But (I think) there are enough of you who want to support me just because you want to support me that maybe I shouldn't do that? i just ???  don't know ??? and feel so awkward even talking about it, but also i don't think i should make moves without your opinion. So, a quick 2 second survey: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSf8lnCKvcGBdEACNB5PYuEU23PmG9XAT7VZyqluszW_bo7-Ww/viewform

I'll let you know tomorrow whether I'm pausing the billing or not. If I end up not pausing it, and you didn't get a chance to read this til it was too late for you to delete the membership, just lemme know and I'll refund you!

if you're leaving this month: As for the April original audio, at this point, the embarrassing news is that it's half scripted. I'm still trying to have it done by the 30th but, honestly, it'll probs be another week at most. If you're planning on un-subbing, I will HAPPILY send you a link to where you can download it once it's done. Just shoot me a message on here, and I'll send it to you. And please, don't feel bad about asking and outing yourself as a deserter or anything. :) The fact that you've chosen to support me at all truly means more than you know, and I want to be able to thank you with that.

You can feel free to comment on this, hit me up on discord privately or in the patron-only chat, or fill out the anonymous form if you have any thoughts at all you wanna share with me, I'm totally open to any criticism or feelings, whatever it. may. be. 

TLDR; thanks for reading, if someone else could write a TLDR for me that'd be sick cuz how do you condense that