The Santa Syndrome, part 1

I'd woken up after a night of vivid dreams to feeling rotten, like flu. I called in sick and then installed myself on the sofa with a cup of tea and some biscuits. I felt tired and listless - vague images of the night's dreams stuck with me but I couldn't quite piece them together. There had been a lot of red... and a sweet taste... and some kind of strange metallic noise...

I shook my head, making my headache pulse. I took some painkillers and idly typed my symptoms into the internet - yes I know you're not supposed to but I had nothing else to do. Headache, stomach ache, facial itching, craving for something sweet... My list of results brought back everything except Lupus. I scrolled through them in dazed amusement until my eye was caught by an article with a funny title.

I clicked through to it - from a small American medical journal was a report by a Dr. Bauchmann of a strange condition observed in a male subject with symptoms similar to mine. The condition was as yet fully unidentified but had been given the holding name of Santa Syndrome.

I read on with curiosity. It seems the subject had reported the same symptoms I had but had made a recovery. What was reported next seemed very far fetched to my fever addled brain. The man had started to change physically - hair, beard and body hair all thickened and turned grey, the sugar cravings got stronger and most visually striking of all he had gained a massive amount of weight. 

There was a before and after image - I looked at them both. First image was a man of about my age, pretty average. The second photo - it must have been photoshopped! There's no way someone could change that much in a short space of time!

The second photo was an elderly grey haired gentleman, massively obese, with a thick covering of greying body hair. He carried the majority of his weight in a massive belly that hung out in front of him, supported by thick limbs. The report included some statistics for the before and after: weight from 180 to 500lb! Beard growth rate had tripled. The man ate predominantly sugary and high calorific foods but with seemingly no ill effects - the metabolism was efficient, just greatly slowed down. 

The prognosis was that the man, aside from having to make bariatric adjustments, was otherwise healthy. The report concluded that further observation would be required.

It had to be a hoax - I checked the credentials of the report: author, publication etc. but couldn't find much more. I tried reading some of the comments, but the ones I could see were skeptical and I couldn't afford the fee to view any more.

I reached for another biscuit and frowned when I couldn't find any - guess I had fewer leftover than I had thought. But I was sure I'd just gotten a fresh packet. I stirred a spoonful of sugar into my tea and then turned my thoughts to other things. It was just flu - I'd recover in a day or so.

---

Eventually the flu symptoms passed and I was back to normal. Or so I thought.

"Did you forget to shave this morning?" my colleague asked me one afternoon. 

"No, it's part of my routine." I put a hand to my chin and was surprised to feel how much stubble was there.

"Ah, you just get the five o clock shadow. Doesn't look too bad on you! Anyway, I'd best get off. See you tomorrow!"

I waved them off, then continued to stroke my chin. Had I forgotten?

I took a quick trip to the bathroom to check - sure enough, in the mirror, I looked like I normally did when I hadn't shaved for a few days. It didn't look too bad, but it was unusual to see.

I thought nothing more of it - clearly I had forgotten... until I got home and saw my razor out on the side where I had left it that morning after... shaving...

Huh.

I looked myself over in the mirror again. Sure enough, there I was with a few day's stubble after only shaving that morning. If anything it looked even darker than when I had looked earlier.

I shrugged and made preparations to shave again. 

---

The next morning, I awoke following more strange dreams - this time a sense of cold, but still with red and white and... bells? I tried to shake off the feelings as I stretched and headed to the bathroom for my shower. As I passed the mirror, something caught my eye and I stopped to take another look.

I gasped in shock! Overnight, my beard had grown back - and then some! I looked like I hadn't shaved in weeks! I ran my hand through it - it wasn't new hair, this felt established.

Having leant in close to the mirror, I happened to look down. Was my chest hairier? I'd had a little patch in the middle of my chest, but now it seemed to have spread somewhat.

Maybe I was having some kind of hormonal shift. I'd have to monitor it and check in with the doctor.

I took my shower and shaved clean again and went to work. But through the day, I could feel a slight itching from my face. My reflection in the mirror at lunchtime showed me I was back to a few day's stubble already and by the time I left, I had an even fuller beard than this morning. A check when I got home showed that I had even more body hair, even starting to appear on my back!

Something pinged in my memory, but I was too concerned to follow that thought.

---

The doctor examined, took blood and gave various thoughts about what was going on but the main impression I got was that he was unsure but wasn't worried.

So I tried not worry either. I gave up shaving as it was mostly undone by the end of each day - clearly something had kicked in and I'd have to live with it. That said, I didn't hate how I looked and I got compliments from friends and colleagues.

I had a few more of the same dreams, but they were still unclear.

A few days later, I noticed a grey hair in my head. Which wasn't unusual at my time of life, but over the next few weeks, I went through salt and pepper, to grey to white. I looked about ten years older!

Again a doctors visit, again a bunch of tests, again a verdict of nothing seriously wrong. I tried to calm down - perhaps it was just age catching up to me.

---

I grunted and heaved but my trousers just wouldn't close. I exhaled and the flaps were pushed apart. I must have put on a few pounds lately.

I ordered in some bigger trousers as a stopgap until I could lose the weight, but a few days later, I found myself having the same problem with them.

Had I always had a little roll of fat like that there before? I ran a hand over it, noting a softness that was new.

Looking in the mirror, I didn't look much different - perhaps a little rounded in the middle. As if to dispel my thoughts, I stepped onto the scale.

And was surprised to see that I had put on 30lb since my last weigh in.

Middle age spread had really started to set in early - I'd have to watch how much ate!

Which I did. And how had I not noticed just how much sugar and sweet things I was consuming lately? Packets of biscuits, bags of cookies, packets of sweets... no wonder I'd put on some weight.

But when I tried to cut down, I found that I couldn't concentrate or focus unless I had something sweet to eat. I really tried... but the following week, I found another 10lb had added themselves to my frame and I needed to go up a clothes size again. And again the following week. I swelled through plump to chubby to fat in the space of a few weeks.

I tried dieting, but all in vain. Each day saw me a little heavier, a bit rounder. Thighs became tree trunks, arms grew thick and plush, chest puffed out and hung to the side. Curves replacing where straight(ish) lines had been. I started to feel myself bounce and jiggle as I moved around. It was odd and a little fascinating to watch as I slowly fattened in spite of my efforts. And it seemed to accelerate - some days, I could feel my clothes tightening around me as I blew up, seemingly inevitably. I knew people were noticing, given the hushed whispers that occurred as I passed them. But I had no explanation to offer.

It was when I bust out of a shirt during a meeting in the office, I realised that I couldn't really be out in public until whatever was happening had resolved. I took extended leave and stayed home. Hopefully, away from shops and office snacks, I could keep this under control...

Except delivery services exist - I was ordering in several times a day, just to take the edge off the cravings for something sweet. 

And the fat piled on…