Chapter 108: Who it was

“You once stood by my side as we faced an entire mountain of Spirit Beasts,” Lianshi bitterly laughed. “You were ready to give your life for me then, even if it was for a cause you did not fully understand. You merely saw how desperate I was and decided you would die to see my ambitions fulfilled. And now you tell me you are too cowardly to confess a truth I already know?”

Feng grimaced. “If you already know, then why do you need me to say it?”

“Do not be obtuse,” she almost snarled. “Something like this, with all that has happened between us… It cannot go unspoken. Not anymore. If you wish me out of your life… You owe me this confession, at least.”

She was correct. He knew she was correct. More than that, this confession she demanded was more a kindness for him than for herself.

After everything she suffered with him, despite all that she wanted, the future she desperately wanted to live with him…

Lianshi was still willing to see him free if it was his wish.

“I have been a wretch to you,” Feng said, struggling to keep his voice even. “I have made a mockery of your genuine affections. However, it was never my intention to string you along with false platitudes and displays of love. I merely…”

Merely what?

“Do not run from yourself.”

All of it was excuses. More lies to skirt around the true reason. 

“I merely hoped that I would eventually come to love you,” he finally confessed, his eyes meeting hers. “You are everything any cultivator could ever desire. You are my best friend, a person I would die for to see happy. But Lianshi… I cannot love you. Not in the way you want me to. Not in the same way you love me…”

Feng clutched his hands. It was difficult, especially as he watched Lianshi’s eyes fall, but he uttered it all the same: “There is already someone else. I gave my Heart to her long ago, and so there will only ever be her.”

Silence between them. 

He had finally said it. The truth he kept concealed from her for so long. Even as the marriage approached ever closer. Even as Lianshi’s affection for him escalated and grew.

He had allowed her hope for his love to pile, only to shatter it at the final moments.

“... I always knew,” Lianshi whispered. “Whenever we were together, or when we became intimate, your eyes would wander, as if seeking someone else’s gaze. Your touches always retreated at the last moment. You gave me affection, but it was never the kind that I had hoped for. It was always simple enough to keep up the charade.”

“It was never all fake,” Feng argued, stepping forth. “The care I have for you is not falsehood.”

“But it is not love.” Lianshi looked away. “Not the way I wanted it.”

He could not deny that.

There was still one more question between them. It was the real matter that should have been addressed long ago, and it was that question, above all, that had Lianshi finally forced their confrontation, mere weeks before the wedding.

If she were to leave his life forever, she would at least know who it was he chose over her.

No matter how painful it might be to hear it.

“... It is the Decaying Greyroots heiress, isn’t it? She is the only one that makes sense,” Lianshi muttered, eyes downcast. “I have heard the stories. Of the things you did for her. Young Miss Yunjin would not be who she is today if not for you. I have seen how she looked at you before as well, when she arrived days ago. So… In the end, you chose her…”

“You met Yunjin?” Feng blurted in surprise. 

“It was a brief conversation. We didn’t fight, if that is what you are worried about,” Lianshi mumbled, still looking away. “I suppose I can understand what you see in her. She is strong-willed, beautiful, and—”

“It’s not Yunjin,” Feng quickly interrupted. Lianshi’s expression was unbearably sad, and he did not want to see it worsen because of a misunderstanding. “I care for her, but she’s merely a good friend of mine. I have no intention of pursuing a relationship with her, regardless of… how she might feel about me.”

“... Really?” Lianshi’s eyes brightened a little. They soon turned guilty, before fading entirely. “But… If not her, then who?”

The Young Master briefly glanced at the wraith, floating some distance away.

The phantom looked back with a raised eyebrow.

“That is… really difficult to explain,” Feng coughed. “I will try my best, but I asked you to be understanding.”

Lianshi looked uncomfortable. She shuffled her feet. “It’s not… Lingyu, is it?”

Feng choked. The wraith snickered.

“What?!” he exclaimed. “How could you even say that?! What made you think of such a thing? She’s thirteen!”

“Well, it’s your fault! You saying it like that, I jumped to weird conclusions…” Lianshi looked terribly embarrassed. “Stop being vague. My imagination is getting the better of me.”

“Your mind needs correction.” Feng groaned as he rubbed his eyes. “Really, I’m mostly hurt you think so lowly of me. Besides, Lingyu’s your sister, and she doesn’t even see me in that light. At best, I’m a big brother she occasionally tolerates. You better hope she never hears about this, otherwise she will never forgive you.”

Lianshi looked at him strangely.

Feng glared back, suddenly uncomfortable. “W-what?”

“Never mind,” Lianshi sighed. “Well then, who else? Sister Jin?”

“What? No, of course not. I barely know her.”

“Well, you definitely didn’t hesitate to get to know her better…”

“That… was a big mistake, and I am very sorry. It wouldn’t happen again,” Feng sheepishly bowed. “But it’s not her.”

The previously miserable expression on Lianshi was giving way to curiosity and confusion. “Then… Maybe Shao? Did she jump you at some point, causing you to develop a hopeless infatuation? Because if she did, I’m going to need to have some serious words with her.”

“Lianshi, I barely know Sister Shao!” Feng replied, exasperated. “Besides, she’s in a relationship with Brother Dai. I’m not touching her. And it’s not anyone from your Sect either!”

“... It’s not your own Sister, is it?”

“Lianshi!” Feng hissed, face furiously red with embarrassment. “Stop throwing wild accusations! I’m not a deviant!”

“I’ll be honest, Feng, I’m drawing a blank here,” Lianshi admitted. “Is this even someone I know?”

He grimaced. “No, she’s not.”

“Well, it’s a ‘she’, at least,” Lianshi muttered. “That’s… good?”

The Young Master sighed heavily. “I don’t even want to know what you mean by that.”

“Well, out with it already, then!” she mumbled, looking away with a flush. “Have I even seen this woman before?”

“No. Or at least, you probably haven’t,” Feng replied hesitantly. “Only I can see her.”

Lianshi frowned. Feng hurriedly explained himself.

“I began seeing her when I first broke into the Foundation Realm. She’s just always there, hovering near me, saying weird things. Sometimes she helps. Sometimes she deviates my cultivation. Most of the time, she just floats around being a nuisance. I keep having dreams and nightmares involving her. She makes the worst poetry, forces me to do things for the mortals around the mountain… She’s difficult to look at, too! Not in the sense she’s ugly; she is impossibly beautiful. But every time I try to have a look, my brain hurts! And, and… I’m not explaining this properly, am I?”

The words had blurted forth in a rush, Feng simply babbling whatever came to mind. Now that the words registered in his mind, he realised how he sounded.

The way Lianshi was looking at him did not help matters. 

Feng cleared his throat. “Okay, I know this sounds bad, but if you just hear me out…”

Lianshi spoke up, her voice low: “Feng, are you trying to tell me I lost your heart to an imaginary woman?”

“She’s not imaginary,” Feng automatically countered. “It’s just that she lives in my head. Only I can see or hear her. And she… Um… Okay, I realise just how bad this sounds now.”

“If you need to make up a lie for rejecting me, I prefer something with at least some plausibility,” Lianshi mumbled despondently. “Claiming insanity doesn’t work when I have been in a relationship with you for the last ten years, Feng. Although it would explain some of your more questionable decisions over the decade…”

“I assure you my mental faculties are stable,” Feng deadpanned.

“Having imaginary beautiful women haunting you and falling in love with them is not a good sign of that,” Lianshi, very reasonably, pointed out.

“She’s not wrong,” the wraith shrugged. “That is pitifully sad, Zhong.”

“With all the ridiculous miracles and curses that happened to cultivators on a daily basis, is having a wraith pestering me really the weirdest thing to occur?” Feng weakly protested.

Lianshi grimaced. To her credit, she did not immediately deny his point. Her gaze turned considering.

“Do you have any proof?” she asked. “Does anyone else know about this? Or believe you, even.”

“Yunjin knows,” he grumbled. “She believes, too. There are a few others, but… I'd rather not get into them right now.”

Lianshi stiffened. “You told her about this before me?”

“I hardly had a choice. The situation was dire. Moreover, Yunjin was the one who accidentally found out on her own,” he quickly clarified.

The Young Miss hummed. Her eyes suddenly lit with understanding. “The incident in the swamp. Was that the reason? You never told me what prompted you to go there either… Was it this ‘wraith’ of yours, too?”

Feng blinked, surprised at how accurately she guessed. “Yes, she was the one who told me. The wraith was the one who guided me through the Blighted Bog as well. Yunjin and I would be dead a hundred times over if not for her.”

Lianshi’s eyes sharpened with curiosity. “She guided you through the swamp? How? Did she physically protect you? Can she manifest herself?”

“No, she cannot. Her aid was mostly delivered through information. Somehow, she was able to map out the safest route through the Bog, allowing Yunjin and me to evade the most dangerous threats. Yunjin had been entirely mortal as well at the time, and still, we survived.”

Feng went on to elucidate on the other impossibilities of his survival within that swamp, attributing them purely to the guidance of the wraith. Through his explanation, Lianshi listened with rapt attention. Her previous scepticism was still present, but there was also a growing sense of unease.

“So, this ghost of yours is intelligent and privy to inaccessible information,” Lianshi murmured. “She can move independently, appears lucid, and might have some connection to the Age of Gods. That is… incredible. Ridiculous, but if true, it would explain a few things.”

“She helped us during our little jaunt up the glacier those years ago, too,” Feng admitted. “Without her guidance, I don’t think we could have made it to your father’s corpse.”

Lianshi was quiet. She looked at Feng carefully. The Young Master felt anxious.

“Do you believe me now?” he asked tentatively.

“Oh no, not yet.” Lianshi shook her head. “But neither am I going to dismiss it. Come, we are going to test a few things out.”