Anxious Thoughts at Night

Feeling super anxious about the ending, I feel like my writing style is all over the place because it’s purely intuitive without any plot/outline. I really like the things that are said but they’re lowkey all over the place! And things that I haven’t ever really seen in media (which is why I want to write it). But I wonder if it is too big for me. Or big for this project.

But I like it and I’m proud of it >_<! I think it has to be this ending or I’ll never be satisfied.

Some days, I feel like I’m even scared of my script because of how it hits too close to home or because I’m scared of how people will recieve it. I haven’t said this to anyone because I feel like I have to stay positive all the time but I think it’s eaten at me to the point where I’ve stopped talking to people (because it’s the only thing on my mind, oops!)

But I’ve tried to write things that I don’t care about before and it gives me 0 sense of satisfaction and makes me want to redo everything. So I feel like even if this isn’t good for my career, it’ll be good life experience!

On a financial note, it also scares me! Imagine spending all of the money you have to understand yourself creatively…from a pragmatic point of view! (I am the most pragmatic person I know.) It’s so stupid, when the easy way out is so easy. I understand why big name corporations make easy shitty movies. It’s clean, it’s bland, mediocre—but you know what you’re getting into. I think writing a good ending that’s nice and funny would be so easy, I would just feel unsatisfied my whole life. But maybe that’s what makes me a creative.

Also there’s feelings of not wanting to let my fans down. And the people that supported me all this way, I don’t want to but I have to. Bc if everything goes the way the audience wants to, it’s a boring story, it has to weave its way to make you want something and happy in a way you never thought possible. I think that is what makes a good story/happy ending.

😭 So I won’t know if you love or hate the story until it’s over! Yay! 🥲

I just have to continue remembering that long run it’s a win bc at least I’ll be able to know what people like about my writing 😨 bc I plan to write until I die 🙂‍↕️