Cupcakes and Beefcakes (Short Story... with pictures!)

Cupcakes and Beefcakes

Hunky Hollywood Starlets, Amazons, and Mighty Female Muscles in the New Recipes for Modern Romance

Written by SteeleBlazer

For generations, men were big and strong — and some were bigger, stronger, and brawnier still. When they flexed, their biceps erupted, and women swooned over their muscles.

But now, men aren’t quite so big, and they aren’t quite so manly. The old recipe for traditional masculinity has been watered down, thinned out. Worse yet, women seem to have lost their taste for beefcake… at least the male variety.

Men today are a pale and frail reflection of the strong, masculine, manly men of the past. Today’s men don’t measure up to the men of old — and this isn’t just a reflection on today’s modern culture, it’s reflected and projected upon the silver screen itself.

Hollywood once sold the world a dream of tall, brawny broad-shouldered men sweeping dainty women off their feet. But step onto the beaches of California today, and you’ll see a very different romance: strong, strapping young women with silky steely sinews flexing biceps larger than grapefruits, while lithe, swanlike young men gaze upward in admiration.

That’s right now broads have broader shoulders than the guys!

It almost looks like a scene from one of those cheap Saturday sci-fi matinees, the kind where alien amazons from Venus descend in silver boots and silver spandex to conquer Earth. Only this isn’t fiction. And the muscles these girls are growing aren’t pulpy sci-fi cheese — they’re pure beef.

How did this happen?

That’s what a lot of us men are asking right now. We don’t have any rock-solid answers, except that women seem to be growing big, hard, rock-solid muscles.

It started small, with only a few girls here and there getting big — no, make that huge — muscles. And as more and more women seemed to grow bigger and bigger, the matter became a growing concern... at least among the men.

It’s really not a big deal when a few girls from Nowhereville, U.S.A., get bigger and more muscular. After all, no one cares if the farmer’s daughter can now plow the field faster than a whole team of oxen. Or when Miss Dairy U.S.A. stops milking cows and starts wrestling and overpowering bulls. Or when the cheerleaders of Smalltown, U.S.A., not only outgrow their cheer uniforms but the football team and the entire town.

But when those girls take over not just the football team, but go undefeated and win the state title, you can start to hear the drumbeat of muscular female empowerment echoing across the wheat fields and prairie plains of the most rural states. And now big-city girls are growing bigger than their boyfriends, and prom queens can outlift their entire weightlifting team. As more and more beauty pageants are starting to resemble bodybuilding pageants — only not even champion male bodybuilders can compete against those girls. They’d be lucky to even win Miss Congeniality.

And so, more and more women are getting bigger and stronger every day. And those aren’t drums we’re hearing, but the sounds and shaking of muscular quads and thunderous thighs — the marching of hulking, muscular brute beauties, as more and more seem to be popping up daily, flexing and popping their booming biceps, joining the rank and file of the modern muscular Amazonian woman.

Hollywood only fanned the flames, and some would say the added muscle on the women made them go from smoking to hotter than a full-on raging inferno. At the time, a lot of male critics raged at the brash and buff depictions of women in these films. But no one could say these women weren’t fleshed out! And they kept right on growing — bigger, larger, stronger. Not just their muscles, but their fanbase too. Now there is a whole constellation of Hollywood starlets who went full supernova with muscular explosions, and their star power along with their muscle power has never been stronger. And the only thing bigger than their muscles is their draw at the box office — it appears that flex appeal has a stronger pull than sex appeal.

The nature of these films has changed as well. Women are no longer helpless damsels in distress — instead, they are the ones saving the day, most often rescuing weak, helpless men. On screen, even the kissing is different: the women dip the men, sweep them into their brawny arms, and carry them off. That’s right; the women in Hollywood are singing a new tune. Especially in musicals, the roles have reversed — women take charge, literally stepping into the lead in the dance numbers, while the men are now forced to follow. At least the men don’t have to wear heels... not yet, at least.

And that’s just what all men in Hollywood are now doing: following and falling behind, while the fans fall in love with the burgeoning, bulky, muscular leading ladies. That’s right — the biggest, brightest male stars have been eclipsed by the modern muscular starlet, and now they’re the supporting actors... even if these women’s wide, strapping shoulders don’t need any help or support from men.

Never before had women been larger or stronger, and these mighty female muscles of theirs don’t just garner attention. No, their strength commands attention.

And the changes led by Hollywood swept through the land like a ripple in a pond... only this isn’t a ripple, but a rising tide of feminine muscular might.

And women don’t even seem to question the changes. They’ve been far more accepting than us men, and some say the new changes are even more agreeable... while a few chuckle and say the changes make the men — both husbands and boyfriends — far more agreeable, and that they’re now getting their way more often.

It seems that this new muscular breed of woman is quite capable and doesn’t mind wearing the pants in the relationship — even if she’s actually wearing miniskirts that show off those great big, gigantic gams. And trust me, fellas, you don’t want these ladies putting their foot down. Not only are their sleek, muscular legs strong as steel, but think about those pointy heels they wear... OUCH!

Fads come and go, and fashions and styles change faster than the seasons, but nothing seems to have changed faster than women going from petite to having massive, muscle-bound physiques... or should I say GROWING! And it looks like their muscles are here to stay, as they claim that buff, brawny arms and sleek, muscular physiques go with any outfit — provided it’s sleeveless!

And if it isn’t sleeveless, that’s all right too. One good flex of those big, bulging biceps and the sleeves burst apart, making it sleeveless faster than any tailor could. Unless, of course, that statuesque muscular beauty happens to be named Taylor.

And boys had better start developing a taste for muscles, because unlike those sleeves, muscles on women aren’t going anywhere. Just try to move these ladies — they’re so big and imposing they’re not just muscular marvels, they’re muscular mountains, and just as impossible to move. Reminds me of a story I heard the other day about a man who lost an arm-wrestling match to his wife... and he was using both arms!

And as our nationwide tastes have changed, we might ask how things shifted so much. It’s as if we’re cooking out of a completely new recipe book. It’s like we’ve got a brand-new spice rack and we’re cooking with entirely different spices now. Strong is now weak, weak is now strong, up is down and down is up... and our taste for women has gone from sweet to savory. Women are no longer the cute little cupcakes, or the sweet slices of cheesecake, but are now heaping helpings of muscular beefcake. But it’s more than just a changing taste — men, too, have undergone a kind of recipe change of sorts.

Men have gone from beefcake to cupcakes!

And it appears women have quite the sweet tooth, as they just love the recent changes to the recipe between the genders.

“I used to date hunks,” confesses Carol Watson, 20, of Dayton, Ohio. “The bigger, the hunkier, the better. But I was never happy. Now that I have muscles — now that I’m the hunk in the relationship — I’ve never been happier. I realized that while I love muscles, I love having muscles way, way more! I just love being a hunk, and having all the boys drool over my juicy hunky muscles and my beefy biceps.”

For the casual reader unfamiliar with the term, once, “hunk” meant a muscular man. Now, women have taken the word, stretched it to fit their physiques — just like they have stretched their clothes — and made it their own. It now has a whole new meaning, just as women now have a whole new wardrobe. Meanwhile, what once passed for male beefcake is beginning to look like a meager snack. Because men no longer are the hunky pieces of beefcake they once were.

And as stated above, men are now sweet, cute little cupcakes. Not that that’s how I’d describe them, but that’s how a lot of women, both jokingly and affectionately, are now referring to men — with the confectionary term cupcake. And while most men might not like that... let’s face it, most men aren’t even stud muffins anymore. But if you ask the women, they’ll say that’s just fine — because that’s one tasty treat that won’t go straight to their thighs...

Between them is another story...

And I’ve heard plenty of stories of what some women can now do with their thighs... of course, my editor would never let me reprint most of those stories. But here’s one that you all might find useful: should you ever find yourself out on a picnic and forget to cut the watermelon, just hand it to your special muscle-bound gal. Let her put it between her thighs, and she’ll burst and crush that watermelon to pieces in seconds.

If you don’t believe me, I assure you my friend Rich Blowherdt tells me every picnic his wife does exactly that… and he also tells me he thinks she forgets a knife to cut the watermelon on purpose.

All I know is, if modern women’s thighs are that strong, just imagine what else they can do with those thick and juicy (from the watermelon, of course) thighs of theirs. But I really will leave the rest up to your imagination.

Today it is women who are the hunks. Male beefcake, once the national taste, is going stale. What America now craves is female beefcake, and it is being cooked up nationwide — in larger, heartier servings, and in portions far bigger than anything men ever offered.

Weights are now for women, and girly weights are way too heavy for any man to ever even attempt to lift. Men have replaced weights with grace… as they had no choice but to accept — with grace — being strong-armed, pushed out, and out-muscled out of the gym by women, who did so with ease, thanks to their superior feminine muscularity.

But don’t blame the women — they need the space!

They don’t just take up more room with their broader, brawnier shoulders and thick, thunderous thighs that make the gym floor shake just as much as the weights they lift do, but gyms are more popular than ever. It’s every red-blooded, hard-bodied American girl’s favorite new hangout.

They can pump iron and pump up their pretty little — make that huge — physiques, as it’s what prim and proper young ladies do now. “It’s part of our beauty routine,” said one of the girls I interviewed for this article, “part of getting our nails done, our hair done, our makeup… and of course, you’ve gotta get your pump on.”

Sarah Swolewell, who despite being only seventeen already sports 18-inch biceps and is still growing, told me, “Nothing really makes my nails stand out and look pretty and striking than having thick, densely shredded forearms.”

Penny Pressmore, who doesn’t just break boys’ hearts but also broke the school bench press record by more than 200 pounds, laughed, “Nothing makes my delts and traps pop out like the perfect haircut.”

And Kelly Curlz — true to her name — admitted, “I just love doing curls all day and all night, and the best part is the flex afterward. There’s nothing more beautiful than a big bulging bicep, especially when I’ve got my makeup on, my lip gloss makes my lips sparkle, and that sheen of sweet sweat makes my biceps sparkle and glisten. Who doesn’t love that cute little vein that pops out on our big beefy biceps?”

Well, I’ll tell you — from all the women I’ve talked to, they love their great big girly guns, even if most women have arms like cannons or bazookas. In fact, one of the answers I received was, “I’ve been skinny, and I’ve been strong. Being stronger is better... and having bigger muscles than your man is way, way better!”

Boys, on the other hand, seem to have a love-and-hate relationship with girly muscle, as some of them just don’t think it’s fair that the fairer sex is now stronger than them.

Yes, boys hate that girls are so much bigger and stronger than they are, and they’d just love to have muscles like all the girls... but of course they can’t, as those are Mighty Female Muscles, and only women seem capable of growing such big, hard, and powerful — not to mention pretty — muscles!

Yes, they sure do love to hate girly muscles... but they actually hate to admit that they really do love girly muscles. And when girls flex, the boys just can’t help but swoon. It makes them weak in the knees — though then again, they’re just plain weak compared to the modern woman and her statuesque, Amazonian figure that looks like it was carved from stone itself... and you better believe her muscles are just as hard.

Just as hard as it is to believe, women are now the hardbody hunks, and men are still looking for their new role... and a new place where they belong. While girls have found their place, the nation’s weight rooms and gymnasiums are filling up with them, as the girls are filling out with wider, muscular shoulders and arms thicker than most men’s thighs, and thighs broader than oak trees. All the while, beautiful girls with golden curled hair and bronzed, buff bodies are curling dumbbells heavier than their boyfriends could ever dare to dream of lifting — let alone curling.

So it’s no wonder young men are stepping back from the barbell racks. “Lifting is for ladies now,” jokes Tommy Reynolds, 21, a reed-thin college student in Chicago. “Girls aren’t impressed by how much I lift — they’d rather see how many times they can lift and press me over their heads.” That’s one way to pick up a girl — or rather, have a girl pick you up!

But it’s not just the weights women have started to pick up... they’re picking up dates too. They’re taking the initiative, asking boys out instead of waiting around to be asked. And if the boys feel like ugly ducklings in this new world — going from once being stronger to now smaller and weaker — they haven’t turned into wimps. No, they’ve become swans. Lithe, slender, graceful swans... swooning over their girlfriends’ bigger biceps.

But modern boys don’t just swoon — they cheer too. And they’ve found a perfect fit for those perky little figures of theirs.

And while it might come as a surprise to some of you readers, the boys have found a new role and a new place in the very arena they once ruled. A place that was — perhaps still is in some minds — the very pinnacle of masculinity: the football field. Only now, when you see these boys in their new uniforms, some might think they look out of place. But that’s only because they’re no longer playing on the field... they’re on the sidelines, cheering on the girls.

That’s right — they’re the cheerleaders now. And it’s only fitting. As girls have taken over the gridiron with their steely strong bodies, the boys have put down the weights and picked up pom-poms. And the new role fits them perfectly, just as the cheerleader miniskirts and crop tops fit their new slender figures.

And now all the boys look forward to shaving — not their faces, but their legs — so they can show them off for the girls and look perky and pretty while doing all their high kicks. Of course, cheerleading still takes a little muscle, especially for the lifting and tossing.

“Before I became a cheerleader, I was too timid to ask any boy out,” admitted Lana Flexworth with a grin. “But now I pick them up all the time — and they just love it, and so do I.”

The only other female cheerleader on the squad, Ruby Hardstone, nodded in agreement with a wink. “That’s right,” she said. “It’s a great place to pick up cute boys... and I just love tossing them around.”

And the boys seem to be loving it too, even if some still have a little bit of an issue adjusting. Mainly because they’re little now — at least in comparison to the girls.

So how do the boys cope with this great big change? Just ask Jack Murphy, once a two-time all-state linebacker. He told me, “I loved football. I lived and breathed it. I loved tackling and sacking all the players on the field. I loved being the big man at school. But I love all the attention being a cheerleader gives me even more. I’m more popular with the girls than ever before — and I love their hot, hunky, hardbody muscles way more than I ever loved football.”

So while Jack might no longer be the big man, he sure seems to be loving all the attention from all the great big girls and their great big mighty female muscles.

And while the boys may have given up football, it appears they still haven’t lost all their balls. Even if they’re letting the girls do the heavy lifting — but then again, there’s nothing heavy about lifting trim and petite male cheerleaders. Jack agreed with me on that point and added, “At first I thought maybe I’d be the lifter — the one who tosses the girls up. But turns out I’m just too weak. I’m just a boy. You really need a girl with great big girly muscles to do the lifting. And you know what? I love being lifted. I love being tossed up in the air by the girls. Gives me butterflies... and I kind of feel like one, while I’m floating up there.”

Boys and butterflies now go together just like strength and femininity, as girly is the new macho, and manly is the new prissy. But don’t call these boys sissies... that word too doesn’t mean what you think it means. It used to mean an effete or effeminate male... and in a way it still does. Only remember: femininity has overtaken masculinity, and being feminine means being big, muscular, and strong. So if a boy is a real sissy, that means he’s strong and feminine... like — well, like a woman.

If this is getting confusing, that’s only because the whole world has been shaken up with this gender quake, and the body politics have completely swapped — all because the mass female population has gotten so massively muscular.

Yes, it seems women are now in the driver’s seat, and have taken many of the roles and places men used to fill in society, but there is one place that both the boys and girls can call their own, the drive-in.

What could be more American than going to the drive-in in an American steel, Detroit-made muscle car? Only now, the classic American girl has more muscle and bigger curves than your classic muscle car — and she just might have more horsepower than any red-blooded American male can handle!

Under the giant screen’s glow, they gather to watch fantastic, larger-than-life movies starring the most glamorous, larger-than-life Hollywood starlets. And as those muscle-bound amazons fill the screen with their larger-than-life muscles, the girls in the cars don’t let the actresses have all the spotlight — they roll up their sleeves, or better yet give their muscles a great big flex and let their muscles burst and rip out of their sleeves and show off to the boys their own-big and strong muscles. Muscles larger than what the boys could ever dream to have.

And don’t worry about the girls. Not only are they now in the driver’s seat — literally — but if a boy gets too handsy, and she wants to actually watch the picture, then they just take matters into their own strong and capable hands and put the boy they’re with in a headlock to teach him his place, and hold him in that place, in her powerful headlock hold until he either learns his place or the end of the movie… or at least until she needs a refill on her popcorn and soda.

Not that it’s all bad for the boys. From that vantage point, he gets an up-close, personal view of her beautiful bulging biceps, and he can really appreciate her strength. And maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t mind being held there.

Just ask Jimmy Halpern, who found himself in a similar situation. He admitted, “I got bored with the movie and thought I might be able to make things more exciting between me and my date — a girl I’d always had a crush on, and I was so excited when she asked me out. Only she was more interested in the movie at that point than me, and so my crush wound up crushing me. I had to watch the rest of the movie from between her thick, punishing thighs — but don’t feel too bad, that really perked things up for me, if you know what I mean.”

I think we all know what that means.

Just as going to the drive-in means more than just going to a double feature. Because the drive-in isn’t just a theater — it’s a crossroads of modern culture and Hollywood fantasy. On the screen, mighty amazons tower over men in the latest motion pictures. In the cars, real-life amazons flex in the glow of dashboard lights and projection beams. And you’d better believe plenty of new fantasies play out under that glow — both on the screen and in the seats.

It’s where they’ll learn the new rules of courtship and etiquette between the sexes, as the old rules just don’t seem to apply. How can they, when not only are the women in the driver’s seat now, and don’t need any help with the heavy lifting or carrying their bags or books?

In fact, a lot of women are now carrying the books of their boyfriends. Just ask Linda Lockwood, who laughed, “He used to carry my books down the hall, now I carry his — and sometimes him too… and he just loves when I carry both him and his books at the same time.” And I was able to follow up and confirm that is true, and her boyfriend really does love it. Even if his own books are a bit cumbersome and too heavy for him to handle himself, it’s worth the strain and discomfort because he loves it when his girlfriend… handles him.

And boys had better be careful about offering their coat or jacket on a chilly day, as things might turn out rather unexpected. One boyfriend admitted, “I lent her my old jacket. She flexed her biceps and the sleeves burst apart, then when she went to apologize and hugged me, her back and wide lats stretched and tore the back of my jacket in half.”

And for those readers wondering, that boy isn’t your typical lithe, swanlike modern boy — he used to be the starting fullback of his football team. And it was his letterman’s jacket, ripped and shredded to tiny bits by his girlfriend’s great big muscles… Who just happens to now be the starting fullback for their school!

So once again, the old rules don’t seem to apply — and the biggest question is which should come first: beefcake or cupcakes? And it’s under the glow of the drive-in that girls are serving up their savory beefcake, while snacking on their tasty-treat, sweet little cupcake boyfriends.

And both the girls and boys agree. “Around here, the bigger the muscles, the sweeter the romance,” one of the girls I interviewed proudly proclaimed with a big grin and an even bigger bicep flex. And from the look I saw in her boyfriend’s eyes, he agreed with her.

And so, in this modern era, I have to ask: what about chivalry?

Are we still the knights in shining armor, and are men still the ones to sweep women off their feet?

Because while we might not be knights in coats of armor, let’s face it: the modern man wouldn’t be able to walk around in such a heavy suit of armor. And besides, the only sweeping the modern man is doing is sweeping the kitchen floor after he’s cooked the dinner and dusted the curtains. With his lithe masculine physique, he’s simply too weak to lift the modern muscular woman. Instead, it’s the modern woman whose feminine, muscular body resembles steely armor, with layer after layer of brawny sinew upon her form.

Chivalry might not be dead, but the male muscular patriarchy most certainly is. A man no longer needs to hold open the door for a woman, as with shoulders nearly as wide as the doorframe itself, she’s more than capable of opening the door herself. But the man should still let her enter the room first — or else risk being run over by a beautiful bulldozer in high heels. And while now all men are gentle, remember that while a kiss on the hand might be continental, a true gentleman knows that kissing a woman’s bicep is the highest compliment.

After all, girly biceps have the highest peaks.

Yes, in these modern times there is a new kind of romance.

At first, critics predicted disaster — surely such role reversal would unsettle courtship. Instead, the opposite has proven true. It is worth noting that all those critics were older men, most of them with feminine features. They would argue and grow angry at hearing that, insisting they’re not feminine but manly. But the truth is, they’re just old, and their values are outdated — older even than they are. In the modern world, muscles are feminine. And manly muscles just aren’t so manly anymore.

But the modern generation is slowly coming around to these changes.

Boys find themselves more popular with girls than ever before, and girls find themselves more empowered in both their relationships and physically than ever before.

“Girls feel more confident when they’re strong,” says Dr. Helen Carter, a sociologist at Columbia. “And boys... well, they might be smaller and weaker than us women now, but they’re just as hot-blooded as ever, and they’re enjoying not just the increased attention girls are giving them, but the increased libido that these muscles have given us women.”

And while it might be jarring to see a beautiful beefcake babe on the beach with big, beefy, bulging biceps flexing proudly as her boys preen and swoon over her, they all line up to offer to apply suntan oil on her back. She’s so muscular the boys can each get a muscle to themselves — but they better have brought a second bottle of oil, as one just won’t be enough to cover those mighty female muscles.

Oil those muscles while you can, boys, because summer will be over soon, and women will be swapping out their swimsuits for sweaters — no doubt the sleeveless kind. But don’t expect any swapping back to the older, outdated gender roles. Male muscularity had its time in the sun, and with the season change, the sun is setting on traditional male masculinity. It’s a whole new day out there, and as the seasons change, so too will our perceptions of masculinity and femininity.

Up may be down and down may be up, and left might be right, but if you don’t think it’s right for a woman to now be bigger and stronger than a man... well, you’re in the wrong, and in the minority. And while I wasn’t fully accepting of the changes at first...

You could say the concept of big, strong, strapping women and mighty female muscles has grown on me… well, if not on me per se, then at least on all the girls!

But who cares about the opinion and personal taste of one cranky writer? It’s the tastes of the current generation that matter. And while women’s taste for male beefcake has changed, the boys are loving all the hot and spicy female beefcake the girls are serving up — flex after flex.