Thank you for your patience lately

Hi all.

I really don't want to make this post, and I don't plan to really talk about this anywhere else but here on Patreon but I feel like you all deserve an explanation.  I feel a strong sense of resposibility to you all to keep you updated about changes in my life that affect my work.

The last few weeks it has been really hard for me to focus and even harder to work.  My dog has been sick, declining pretty fast and I've been kind of avoiding reality.

However, this morning I finally faced the truth of how bad she's gotten and that she's too stubborn and grumpy to give up.  Deep down I've been hoping she was going to pass peacefullly in her sleep.  But I've finally acknowledged that I probably have to put her down soon and the realization has left me crying for an hour or two.  This also kind of forced me to face how I've been letting things slip lately.

This dog can be horrible, but she's also been with me for over 14 years and is far more loyal than I, or anyone else deserves.  She was with me during the hardest years of my life.  Saying goodbye, even after knowing for a year or two that it would likely be coming...is going to be really hard.  Processing all of this earlier left me sobbing and wandering around the house.  Melli woke up and talked to me, helped me recenter, and I'm lucky for her support.

I'm going to try to get my dog into the vet either today or early next week for the vet's opinion, but my dog had been declining so fast I already know what they are going to say.

I'm taking a picture of my dog right now as I'm writing this.  She is obviously in a lot of pain and can barely walk but she still follows me around everywhere unless she's sleeping.  It breaks my heart.  She's so skinny now and shakes constantly but she's just so goddamn tough and stubborn...

If I'm at my desk, writing, sometimes I'll glance over or I'll need to let her out and my stomach just drops when I see how hard it is for her to get up or when she falls over.  I really don't want to say goodbye, but keeping her any longer now would probably be selfish and cowardly.  I refuse to fail my friend that way after she's been so loyal for so many years.

Workwise, I know I'm very lucky to have my dream job and when something like this happens, I have the ability to retreat from the world for a bit.  But on the other hand, if I'm not writing, I'm not making money.  I don't get any paid days off...ever.  And unlike when I worked in IT and could just turn my brain and my heart off to do the job on bad days, I can't do that now.  If I'm not feeling good about what I'm creating, it'll be bad and might even ruin my career.  

As a professional entertainer and as someone who takes pride in my stories, I refuse to put out a substandard story.  

So I'm going to keep plugging away at Apocalypse Cultivation 2, maintaining the standard even if takes more time.  I even almost have another chapter done.  But if you've noticed my slower writing speed (not that I was particularly fast before compared to others)...now you understand.



Another note:

It's okay to reply here, but please don't PM me about this or mention it anywhere else on social media.  I am not a public griever and I don't really want to share the details of this with anyone but you all on Patreon, since you're the folks I really answer to.

And I understand that not everyone gets as attached to pets--I am usually not a really sentimental or touchy-feely person usually, either.  But this dog has been with me through so much and for so long...she's been a constant presence through most of my adult life.  So in the next week or two, things are going to change in a pretty major way for me.  It just might take me a bit to adjust.

I can be pretty tough, but since so much of what I do professionally requires leveraging emotions and imagination, stuff like this can rock me pretty hard.

If you felt this post was too sappy or whatnot, please don't worry,  it's not a common thing.

Thank you