PHOBOS KING OF BEASTS CH 43: Your Emotions

You will not be my Theia anymore.

For the first few seconds, I hadn't really grasped his truth but when understanding belatedly settled in I found that he wished to pitilessly abandon me as I had done with him. His barbarous words stemmed from feeling betrayed but was spit out with the intention of a direct kill. It worked as expected and he felt that for I had clutched onto his chest whilst I shook my head terrified of being left alone by him like when I was a juvenile and wailed like a forsaken pup as those words wound me more than anything else. It felt as though he was breaking our bond not just the mate bond but also the beautiful past we held. The past I wholeheartedly treasured.

Yes, it was not like I was blameless throughout our separation. But no matter what he was my home, he would always be my Phobos and I could never entirely desert him. But my male had always been cruel it ran thickly in his blood, in his veins. 

Deimos calmly watched me as I sobbed to my male's callous terms, my post-pregnancy hormones were not assisting me either. I felt unembarrassed and every bit of pride I owned was thrown into a pit as I bared myself to him. Showed him that no matter what he was always in my heart, mind and soul and that it would never change. But that foolish male of mine could not see it.

My high-pitched whines of heartbreak made him visibly stiffen under me and his jaw tensed whilst he gritted his teeth. My mate's limbs trembled vigorously as he strived to keep himself in check to maintain that control that he was a master of. Those vicious seven words were my punishment for running away from him, for birthing his male in secrecy and for deliberately staying in another pack while he was falling apart with each passing day. I deserved it in a way but that did not mean he could damage me like that. 

Deimos cleared his throat his back hunched as he shook his head in disapproval at my moon blessed. "That is not a good way to discipline our females, you know what words do brother and of the power they carry."

He disregarded his brother's advice and kept peeking down at me with his unsettled ocean blues that were engulfed by the roaring storm of his heart. When my bleeding wails grew louder as his words echoed over and over in my mind he finally succumbed to his inner conflict unable to hold on to the last thread of restraint he held. "That is enough, Theia. Calm down." He took my wrists in a delicate grasp and tugged my palms away from my red puffy eyes as I stared up at him with a shattered look. He could see what he had done to me with those insensitive words of his.

"How could you say that to me, you heartless male?" I shrieked as I dug my nails into the flesh of his chest drawing blood. I could not discern his expression with clarity for my vision was bleary due to my tears but I sensed his upsetness to my question.   

Unable to endure the uninhibited display of my sorrow anymore he looped his right limb around my curvy waist whilst his left delicately cradled the back of my exhausted head and forced me to his heaving chest. I held onto him tighter as though he would depart my side any moment whilst he slowly rocked me endeavouring to pacify my cries as he always had done when we were together. "I said that is enough. Hush now." He whispered faintly with a more temperate tone his lips were a feathery touch against my forehead. 

"You cannot help but yield yes? That is the tremendous power our females have over us. We both seem to be alike when it comes to our mates." Deimos chuckled gruffly as he reclined his seat to make sure that Lumina was much more comfortable sleeping upon his lap. 

Phobos's silky touches from his fingertips that glid up and down my arm and his continuous swaying caused me to surrender to heavy fatigue and emotional stress. Just a matter of minutes since our reunion and it had been hard for me to endure, I wished to sleep and wake up in his arms once more so we could talk and work out our problems together. 

I did not want to lose him and I knew there was a high possibility for that as that was where we were heading and I already felt and saw the barricade standing tall and mighty to shield his heart and soul from me. I knew it would be challenging to make him trust me again. As my sobs turned into feeble hiccups my weary eyes fluttered close and I began to doze off despite wanting to remain awake and take part in their amiable conversation.

"She is mine." My male grunted out and I stirred against him nuzzling into his throat whilst I inhaled his comforting scent and allowed it to saturate my deprived lungs. 

"No doubt, I can see that. But I believe you should have a long talk with her. I get that you are enraged but sometimes communication works. And I voice my truth from experience. Lumina was the same she dumped me like trash for a whole year to punish me for my wrongdoings and took Kal with her too. I needed to learn and so did she in her own way, this relationship goes two ways brother. There must be a reason why Theia ran and hid from you. Speak with her." 

Phobos sighed glumly as his hold on me tautened whilst his palm gently patted my back urging me further into darkness and the last I heard before I slipped into a deep undisturbed slumber was him replying with a pang of sorrow, "I am lost Deimos. I am bleeding."  My ears listened to his truth yet failed to register them in my mind for me to remember.

I had awoken on my own after a while with my emotional state subdued and had felt as though I had failed to remember something important. Yet I could finally think and breathe well in his potent presence, I could finally converse with him more calmly. I soon discovered that I was still nestled to my male's chest but he was fast asleep with his arms still coiled tightly around me as though he was stressed that I would somehow leave him once more. His body spoke to me of his emotions more than he did.

The dark bags beneath his eyes, the myriad of fresh scars that spread all over his upper body as well as his untamed grown beard that showed a lack of maintenance narrated to me everything I needed to know about what he had undergone in my absence. He did not care for himself he was focused on finding me and bringing me home and that sent a strike of regret and discomfort straight to my hammering heart. Phobos's scent that I had longed for curled around my flesh like rose vines a sweet smell it held indeed that hooked me to it but its thorns cut into my frail skin and made me bleed. 

"This is the first time in ten months Král is sleeping so soundly." Awan expertly signed to me with his fingers from the side garnering my attention. Tadeas was fast asleep in the seat beside him cocooned in several woolly blankets, he was safe. He was being protected even though there was only family in the jet.

"Did he not sleep well?"

"He only rested for a few hours in a day. Drakho and I had to guard him most of the time. His beast was going berserk and was frequently in control, Král did not know what he was doing the terror he was instilling. We had to drug or chain him countless times too. Our pack is too terrified of him now Královna." 

"What happened?"

"We do not know yet but it was the same situation like the one we faced after Alpha's parents died. His beast took over and ruled us in his place. We barely encountered Alpha Phobos." I swallowed to alleviate the intense burning sensation at the rear of my throat and peered down at his palm that held onto mine for dear life. I skimmed my thumb over his white knuckles and his grip on my hand instantly eased as though he felt I was nearby and could relax. He was too weakened I noticed that too for he was unable to wake up even to my touch. Phobos never had been the deep sleeper he was always on high alert and awakened to even the smallest of variations in sound, touch or smell. 

"Do you blame me for what I did?" Awan shook his head in denial with a mild smile plastered across his face.

"Not at all. Though I do not much about what transpired that made you leave I do know that there is always a reasonable cause for every action. And you are not the type to abandon anything, especially Král just like that. Anyone can see how much you love him, Luna." 

I smiled. Not a cheerful or a pleased one but an excruciatingly sombre smile that had made Awan visibly upset. I wondered if Phobos could determine in my blues what Awan did or if he rather doubted it as I betrayed him. When I leaned back against his warm uncovered chest that rose and fell with a slowness to each of his deep breaths I distractedly traced my fingertips against his tattoo that shone so brightly to me at that moment. I remembered how I had been over the moon with joy for how loving and thoughtful he had been when he inked himself with symbols that portrayed my essence to him. 

I missed our closeness so much that touching him that way felt like I had finally gotten the serenity I was seeking for. I could not stay away from Phobos anymore I knew that for no matter his sins or mine I could never run from him once more as the separation was pure agony I was unwilling to go through again. At that moment I understood something, I could not blame him for his uncaring words. My emotions raged and were set on fire to his abrupt appearance and finding out the truth of my decision that way must have hurt him in an imaginable manner even though he would never admit it and would allow his fury to devour him whole. Phobos had never been the emotional kind he often chose dominance and anger to demonstrate his control on others and at certain times even on me.

I knew that there was a chance that he would continue to allow that maddening feeling to rile him up, that there was a possibility that he would hurt me. But I was prepared in a way, I would console his storm if it meant that he would return to me unscathed. I needed Phobos not just for my sake but for Tadeas's too. My lips ached with a need as I scanned those plump moist ripe lips of his and in order to soothe the fierce throbbing I kissed his mark whilst I permitted the tip of my tongue to taste his flesh. 

Phobos sprang up from his slumber his hand striking out to snatch my wrist arresting any of my further movements whilst he gazed down at me with question as a deep frown rested amid his brows. His blues were a raging fire and he pinned me down with his oceanic gaze whilst I sacrificed myself to the emotionlessness in them. I swallowed nervously as his orbs bore into mine demanding answers. "I...wished to kiss you," I spoke confidently there was no use for me to disguise my needs from him for after all his presence was not a fleeting dream anymore but my reality.

"For what?" His voice was low and husky the sound I adored to hear just after he woke up. 

"Because I wanted to," I whispered with sincerity and his eyes widened imperceptibly but I still noticed it. He looked away from me as his jaw tensed and his hands balled in tremoring fists as though he was attempting to reign in his bitterness to my truth. Everything I seemed to do or say just handed him one emotion. Raw anger. "I wish to talk with you. A proper talk between just the two of us."

He still would not meet my eyes rather they settled upon his younger brother and Lumina who were huddled beneath a blanket faintly talking with one another and it seemed as though she was straining herself to escape his unrelenting grip and he only tightened his arms around her playfully in return with a wide mocking grin on his face as she annoyedly bared her teeth at him. They seemed happy together unlike us. 

I witnessed the longing in Phobos's ocean blues when he looked at them a sadness that overwhelmed his conscious as though a part of him deemed he could never have that ever again. That he had lost it, that there were no more chances left for us to acquire that kind of future. But he was so wrong, Lumina and Deimos had gone through countless trials and tribulations to get where they were and just like them we needed to fight for our love. I knew I would blindly fight any war if it meant that he would be mine but I was concerned that he would not do the same for me. 

"Phobos," I called his name fondly, in a pleading tone urging him to look at me.

"So now you wish to talk with me, Theia?" There was a taunt to his words and I flinched to the defences that shielded his eyes. He wanted to safeguard himself from me, he would not share anything unless it was absolutely necessary. 

"Yes. I do. Do you not wish to discuss my reasons or about my feelings?"

"Go ahead. Speak your truth, I shall listen."

"I will. Only if you look at me that is."

"I'd rather not." He kept his face steered away from my longing orbs. How was I to learn of the sensations of his heart if he kept my favourite pair of intoxicating blues away from me? 

I tenderly laid my palm over the side of his face and tried to force him to look at me. "Theia." He snarled my name with irritation and once more seized my wrist yanking my eager hand away from his hot skin. "Do not touch me, not like that. Not anymore." If he thought that I would pay heed to his warning and submit he was mistaken for in no way could I go any longer without touching him.

Deimos and Lumina had ceased their games and stared warily at the both of us but I did not mind them, it did not matter if they got a glimpse into our rocky relationship. I just wanted to mend our bond but my male had grown cautious of me as though I was trying to damage him even more.

"Why are you acting like-"

"Like what? Insensitive? Abusive? Brutal? Which of them is it?" He asked in a hushed voice his tone stern but his actions were independent of his words. His thumb was seated over my rapid pulse his grasp on me tender as though he did not know if he wanted to drag me back to his heat or shove me away but I knew I held the power to influence him. To lure him back into my open arms but it would take me time and he would not make it easy for me. I needed to treat him as I treated Tadeas with full attention, endless love and ample care. 

"You know that is not what I mean." 

"Tell me then, how am I supposed to act in this situation? Do you have any notion what another Alpha mate would have done to you if you betrayed him this way? We have certain rules and-"

"But you are not another Alpha. You are my Phobos are you not?" Each time I called him that way he knew what I was implying. I was speaking of our past, of the juvenile Phobos and the pup Theia. 

He locked his eyes and a sigh of resignation passed his lips for he did not wish to converse with me anymore. Calloused palms gripped onto my waist so he could hoist me and settle me upon the seat opposite to him, he did not want me on his lap anymore. He did not want that kind of intimacy at that moment. But I protested against his wishes as I squirmed in his hands and pushed at his chest showing him I would rather remain on his lap.

"Stop this, Theia. I am neither in the physical nor the mental state to play games with you I am barely holding on."

"You want to punish me, don't you? I know it is what you want." My parched cunt was brisk to dampen at the thought of him mercilessly ravaging me. I shamelessly craved his sturdy body, his fiery touches and those dominant kisses that melted me. My breath hitched when I caught his lustful desire sensually pool out for me to behold. Yes, he wanted to devour me right there indeed.

Phobos grabbed my jaw in a harsh clasp and leaned down as his deadly eyes plunged into mine whilst my skin cried with pleasure as his searing breath brushed over it evoking sinful goosebumps all over my needy being. I wanted him so bad that my soaked panties clung to my wet pussy lips. Sitting on his lap did not aid my arousal either rather it set it ablaze. 

"Yes. I want to bind you to my flesh and then fuck you senseless rough and hard. I want to spank your pale cheeks until I find the redness of each to be satisfactory until you cry out imploring me to stop. I can do it right now in the room at the back but I will not. I will not touch you anymore, you will receive no pleasure or any form of punishment from me. I will treat you with the respect you want as the pack's Luna and as Tadeas's mother." I frowned. To another, his words would have been pleasant to hear even respectful but to me, all I heard was his disregard of our special relationship. No wicked punishments? No lovemaking? But I get respect in return? I always had gotten respect from him well not all the time but he treated me well. Then, what about love? Will he not love me either?

"Why?" I asked upsetly. "You cannot decide anything that concerns me just like that. You are my male at this moment not my Alpha."

"What do you want from me, Theia?" There was a raise to the sound of his voice that pushed me to retreat but I did not, I stood my ground. He tried to stand but I shoved at his chest wheezing with indignation at his meaningless actions to cut me. He meant none of it I was certain I could see it in his eyes.

"No," I growled noisily as I flashed my battle teeth at him loathing how he was speaking to me.

Before I could receive the totality of his lethal wrath Tadeas began to wail shrilly at the top of his lungs his tiny palms were balled into fists and he instantly gathered the entirety of our attention. It was the second time I heard him cry, my little beast had sensed the tension surging with each passing second between his parents and his small being could not tolerate it. Phobos was quick to arise to carry me and set me down in the opposite seat with his keen eyes anchored on his bawling male. Awan kept his head bowed in reverence, I was confident that the other two wolves overheard our conversation as well but they did their best to remain oblivious in consideration for Phobos and me. 

When my moon blessed picked up our male and held him close to his chest my heart warmed and my upsetness with him perished, it was a distinctive feeling indeed watching Phobos that way with my male was so very captivating to witness.

"Hush now, there is no need for you to cry is there?" His voice was pacifying and so very tender, even his eyes showed that adoration he harboured for his newborn male. As soon as Tadeas was in his father's arms he quieted and gazed up at him with wide interested eyes earning a loving smile from my mate. "What do you want? Is your belly not full, little one?"

I smiled. It was an adorable sight and his words made their fresh bond even cuter to look at. "He just wanted to be in your arms, to be close to you," I whispered and Phobos froze to my truth. 

"At least there is someone who wishes to be close to me this way." Tears of affliction were fleet to brim to the surface at his words. That was meant to hurt me and it did. 

After that, I did not attempt to speak with him and neither did he come out of the back room to seek me out. He kept Tadeas with him for the rest of the journey and never once did my little beast call out to me as he was fairly content being with his father. They shared a more indescribable connection one that I could never be a part of but still, I was happy for their relationship would strengthen with time and I did not have to worry about them despising each other as many Alphas and their males did. Phobos's dominance his need to control everything will surely not sit well with Tadeas in the future and as he matures into a juvenile but I knew my mate would never do anything to harm or upset his male. Tadeas would be the most powerful Alpha to walk this earth if he yielded to his father's training.

When we finally landed on our grounds Lumina and Deimos said their farewells in the jet for them entering our pack would have felt invasive as our wolves were not notified earlier of their arrival. I embraced Lumina as though I was parting with my sister and she felt the same as well. "You need not be overly strong. Weakness is not a bad thing, Theia. But you can choose to use that weakness to find your inner strength. Face your male, make him cave in to you." With those last words of guidance she let me go and as I anxiously strode through our familiar gates with my male cuddled to my chest I pondered over what she said. 

All along, I had been trying to look strong to camouflage my weakness and make it look like strength when all he did was make me feel utterly vulnerable and powerless beneath his penetrating gaze. All I could do was submit, I never did fight for him as he fought for my safety when I was a juvenile even when it meant he could not have me. He always protected me put me first even before his own pack which stomped on the traditions and rules an Alpha must follow. When my bare feet sank into the damp soil of my pack I knew what I needed to do. 

I needed to fight, not just for his sake or mine but for ours together.  

I had expected the worst, my mind was already prepared to be met with rejection and disgust for what I had done as I had not only abandoned their Alpha but also them. But what welcomed me instead was something I hadn't even imagined for a mere second. The females cast away whatever they held in their hands, the pups fled their training area in an instant and all headed to me as fast their feet could take them. I shivered when I listened to the piercing wails of the females and the excited squeals of the little ones that encircled me. The males looked relieved and pleased to welcome me home. I was baffled by what I witnessed. 

I was dragged into a packed circle of warmth as diverse scents mingled together whilst they all wept for me, bleeding cries and wet kisses I received from each one of them especially the older females. The males did not come near me at all only smiled warmly from a distance with curt nods. I carefully studied each of their faces searching for something...just a negative emotion but I saw nothing but raw happiness. Their emotions were sincere for I reviewed their eyes as well. I could not breathe the heftiness of the remorse of what I had done weighed like a load on my shoulders, the despair of my wolves who I deserted for selfish reasons came to suffocate me. 

"Thank goddess you are safe, Luna. We thought we lost you." One of the females whined as she wrapped her limbs around my waist and nuzzled into my neck seeking comfort. I stood there still as a statue encompassed by their heat. I did not know what to say, I could not meet their eyes either. My responsibility as their Luna should have made me think twice before leaving my pack but I allowed my emotions to manipulate my mind and the consequences of it shall forever be imprinted in my essence and it was my burden to bear.

Phobos said he did not want to formally introduce their future Alpha to the pack yet as Tadeas was very tired from travel and he was in an unfamiliar territory which put him at unease. The pack agreed that it would take a few months but made sure they all got a glimpse of him, of his features and what he possessed underneath his flesh. His soul. They were not like the females in Italy rather they applauded the power that oozed out of him and spoke of his beauty and the darkness he held in good light.

 They declared he was worthy and that they would unhesitantly kneel at his feet as soon as he was of age which filled me up with pride to be his mother. They were delighted for Phobos and me as we had finally become parents and blessed our lands with an heir. No wolf dared to speak of my past of my infertility, they wanted to forget it as though it never happened for at the end of the day the moon had blessed all of us. They did not want to bring me any more pain.

"My pack is like me. Has always been so. It takes time for them to warm up to a foreigner but once they get used to them they will never let them go. They will love them, protect them and care for them and they already do so with you, Theia. I hope your blindness has finally shifted and you can see our wolves for who they are and not who you condemn them to be. You preferred the Italian pack and began to make your home there even when your true dwelling has always been on these grounds, next to me and by my side. But you chose otherwise. I do not want to wound them so I will keep this a secret. That pack in Italy, the females who helped birthed our male I wonder if they honoured our male like our wolves did or they beheld him like he was an abomination of the moon?" When Phobos spat those words into my ear with a knowing tone I could not answer him or oppose him on it. How could I when he was right in every way? Another block of weight was added to my guilt and my shoulders quaked incapable of holding it up anymore. 

When I entered our cottage with Tadeas I was taken off guard as I examined all the marked sheets of numerous maps thrown about over the wooden floor of the living room, the couch was ripped apart to the point I could see the spring inside, the cream coloured curtains were shredded as well with claw marks and bloody handprints, empty liquor bottles flooded the kitchen as well as shattered glass and broken furniture. The dining table we loved to sit and eat at was split into two unequal halves and the chairs did not possess any legs or arms. There were bloodstains splattered all over the walls, his blood I could smell it and some of it was fresh.

My room looked the worst, my clothes were yanked from my closet and were flung over the rumpled bed that showed me it was his nest that healed him in his desperate times. My paintings were taped to the walls as though he needed something to remind him that I was out there somewhere alive and breathing. Anything and everything that possessed my fading scent was on that bed some of my clothes were ripped too as though he was holding onto it for dear life for my smell in this cottage was dying. It was absolute shambles yet it displayed ten months of my male's suffering and it broke me. 

Phobos's room on the other hand was untouched yet filthy. There was dense dust that covered every inch of the room and it smelled utterly foul. He had never set foot in there since I left I could see that. And with a weighty heart, I cleansed the place over the weeks that followed. It was not an effortless job for I saw the remnants of his misery and heartache that taunted me for my sins. My male did send a few of his warriors at times to aid me but I sent them all away. The house needed my healing just like my moon blessed. 

I waited for him day and night with Tadeas but he never did come home to me most of the time. He often remained out in the shadows of the wilderness and worked with his warriors early in the mornings. Breakfast, lunch and dinner I cooked for him but the piping food I hopefully placed on our new table went cold for he never ate what I made for him. He would not eat with me, would not speak to me, would not even look at me. He was not being so distant to punish me but because he wanted to be so. He needed time I knew that but still I could bear his indifference to me for our tiny cottage held so many beautiful memories that tormented me and I needed him.

But just like the sun was birthed after every brutal storm, to my surprise he began to come by twice a day to check on Tadeas and at times once the little one's belly was full he would take him away to spend some time with him but me, I got nothing just those sharp nods of regard and acknowledgement. Sometimes I compelled him to have a decent conversation with me and he would comply yet I would receive only one-word answers or short sentences. 

The other times I would feed him my cooking and he surprisingly ate even would praise its taste and my skills but nothing more than that. We were gradually falling apart and I knew we needed to talk to settle things between us once and for all but he was unwilling. He preferred to keep his distance, the painful memories the cottage held for him made him edgy and each time I invited him inside pleading with him there was always hesitance in his eyes as though he was frightened of the four walls and...me. I became my male's worst nightmare.

It was like our relationship held no title. Not friends, not lovers, not even acquaintances just another random pair of mates chosen by the moon who shared a pup. For me, time stood still but the reality that was three months had already passed by and I had been ignorant to it. Phobos never failed to be a good father, a good male for in those twelve weeks he was there at my beck and call. Anything I wanted for Tadeas or myself would be provided for without question but yet as our male developed from a newborn to a three-month-old our cabin was not filled with rich laughter or warmth as it once had been but an eerie stillness that bruised me. I wanted our pup to grow around parents who loved each other around giggles and happiness but instead, he was growing up without either. 

It was not just our relationship that was altered even the prior decisions he made as Alpha was revised. Argus was ruled out as his next heir and instead was put at the forefront to be one of his warriors to be Tadeas's future top warrior and Moira's male saw no problem with it. He was rather happy for he could return to his previous activities and had more time to play with his friends. 

As for Moira, she could hardly meet my gaze each time she wandered past me her head dipped low and she whimpered. She had new scars on her arms which resembled deep claw marks and they were quite visible for all to see. It was a deep-rooted dread she retained in her eyes and body when I went near to her but not one that I instilled within her, something had happened between Phobos and Moira but I was not in the condition to ask around for answers. Whatever happened between them after I left tore apart whatever was left of their friendship, she called my male by his first name no more.

I thought I would be pleased with everything that was happening but I was not. Phobos was not doing well, his wolves feared him more than they should, there was this consistent tension and unease that were present on our grounds. There was no more sociable chatter or laughter either just like in my cottage. The pack had fallen apart in my absence and I once more was lost. I needed to figure out how to turn all that around as though nothing had happened. But I desperately wanted to start with Phobos for he was the one who held the power to fetch back lost time. As he always said, time bent to his will. He could change things revert them to how they once were I was sure of it.

I had been mentally and emotionally preparing myself and coming up with ways to lure him out of the wilderness and corner him so I could force him to speak his truth with me. To discuss with me what he feels and I in return. So we could somehow move past our issues for Tadeas and us but never in my wildest dreams did I hope for this to take place. He is not the kind of male to lose control of himself much but here he is right in front of me with not even an inch of self-restraint held in his palms.

The pitter-patter of drops of water tumbling onto the wooden floor of my bedroom had roused me from sleep. It was late at night and it was a sound that bewildered me for there was no downpour outside. I had twisted around in my bed to browse my room drowsily and in the darkness, I discovered a silhouette seated on the floor opposite the bed next to the door and I knew who it was.

I lean to the side and quickly switch on the night lamp that illuminates the room a little, good enough for me to detect his alluring features that were obscured by the shadows. His eyes are half-hooded, bright red and heavily drugged. He is crouched down with his legs pulled close to his chest and his forearms positioned over his knees. There is a half-emptied bottle of alcohol in one of his hands and the other holds a sharpened blade that drills into the slashed flesh of his left inner palm. My eyes enlarge when I tardily realise what that sound was, it was not of water or rain clearly but his blood. He is sitting so casually in a puddle of his own blood brought out by a self-inflicted wound.

I unhurriedly push away the blankets from my being and his blues are agile to dilate and darken voraciously when he catches my quivering body in the fair pink skimpy nightgown that barely conceals anything. It was the only one I could find that went undamaged by him, it was new I had never worn it before so he did not touch it when hunting for my scent in my absence. I kneel upon the frigid ground and tensely take a seat in front of the bed. I need to tread carefully for he is not in a good state of mind. He is drunk but so much that he has no idea what he is doing. 

"Phobos?" I call him desiring his attention as his orbs have adhered to my stripped thighs as they linger and feast on the unblemished skin that summons him to take a bite. 

He lifts those remarkable eyes of his and gazes from me to Tadeas who is fast asleep in his crib surrounded by cute fluffy toys. I am only greeted by an uncomfortable silence I do not know why he is here or for what purpose but he is here, by his own will and I want him to stay. 

"I sat right here. Ten months, 305 days to be exact. I would look at that bed and think of you. Of your bell-like laughter, your moans, your whimpers, your sweet voice. I would imagine you returning to me countless times. But now that you are here why do I still feel empty?" He slurs his eyes glued to the rumpled bed and just as he claimed there is profound voidness that is reflected for me to see. He takes another sluggish swig from the bottle and swallows as though it is his treatment to acquire peace even if it means just for a little while. 

I watch the red viscous blood that gushes out from his cut as he clutches onto the knife tighter wounding himself deeper deliberately causing himself pain. Physical pain he finds better to deal with than the agonising turmoil he is facing inside. "Give me the knife, Phobos." My voice is faint and calming but it falls on deaf ears. 

"Were you happy? Without me beside you? Were you more at peace than here? Was there ever a day where you never smiled? Did your soul not ache and bleed for mine as mine did for yours?" 

"I was never truly happy. How could I ever be joyful without you in my life?" I whisper with a dull smile.

"Then why?!" He bellows flashing his canines at me and I jerk back gasping at his aggression. "Why did you abandon me like that? Why would you throw away everything?"

"It is not what you think, do not finalize things without talking to me first." I glare at him with ire. I need to make him understand, his mind has probably sent forth innumerable untruths of the reasons behind my decision to leave that he deems as the ultimate fact.

"No matter how much I think about it I only seem to conclude my questions with one explanation."

"And what is that?"

"You despise me. You loathe me, my very existence with everything you possess within you. Those words were your last to me before you disappeared so it must be true." How tipsy is this male to come up with such an absurd justification?

"I do not hate you, Phobos. I never can no matter what you do to me. I left only because you hurt me. How come you do not see this?"

"I hurt you? Because I consoled a broken female? Because I kept my promise to her male and did my duty as her Alpha?" 

"No! Because you allowed her to kiss the lips that belonged to me. You allowed her the intimacy that should have only been mine. It does not matter the motives behind the kiss but you savagely shattered my heart. And instead of reassuring me you chose and supported another female. You defended Moira when I was heartbroken. I have loved you since I was five Phobos. Five for goodness' sake! And for me, that was the biggest tear to my soul." I tiredly lean my back against the bed pursuing support as tears of heartbreak well in my eyes to the distressing crack of my heart. 

His drained ocean blues devoid of any light collide with mine and he seals them incapable of continuing to see the consequences of his kiss with Moira. 

"Do you desire my apology? I can give it to you, I have prepared it. A small part of me sensed that you deserted me because of what occurred that night and not because you were forcibly taken by one of my enemies, that I was the climactic cause for your exit and what followed. I believed I was doing the right thing but it is not right if it compels my female to leave me is it? So I shall ask for your forgiveness and I can promise you it will never happen again." My eyes broaden to his truth as tears slip down my cheeks and he follows their torturous trail with a grimace, I hadn't expected this from him. Phobos never did let pride prevent him from atoning to his wrongdoings when it came to me. He apologized for all the little things but for this, I did not foresee it from him. 

"Then will you accept my apology for what I did what Karel?" 

"Yes. I will." His response is unhesitant and relief drowns me whilst my rib cage eases around my heart. I can finally breathe. 

"You killed him." It was not a question rather a concluding statement for I know he remorselessly slaughtered that male in cold blood.

"No. I sent him back home a few days after I calmed. He did not know who you were and he was of your age a young wolf with a future. I knew if I took his life you would loathe yourself and I did want that." 

I sob harder binding my hands around my middle comforting myself grateful that I did not have Karel's blood on my hands. The moon will not curse me for it. When I raise my face to regard him once more so I can seek his forgiveness for what I had done after I left I obtain my answer from those stormy blues and I clamp my mouth shut before I could utter another word. 

"What do you want?" I ask breathlessly gasping for air as he digs the tip of his knife further into his open gash injuring himself further. More additional blood seeps out and trickles down his arm to splatter all over the ground staining the wooden floors with its dark colour. He is losing a lot of blood and he can only commence healing if he ceases holding onto that godforsaken blade. 

"I want to hurt you as you hurt me." He declares and I sink my teeth into my lower lip wanting to arrest its violent quivering. This is not about the kiss, this is about staying away from him for almost a year. This is for my sin of beginning to make my home elsewhere and for birthing his male without him. 

"Then do it. Why won't you do it?" 

"Because I cannot. Because I will not." He shakes his head in refusal as though he was speaking more to himself than me.

"Why?"

"Because every time I look at you, I only see the pup who stared up at me with magnetic blue eyes filled with affection. But that look of yours, the way you are looking at me right now is slaying me Theia. I wish to gauge my own eyes out so I cannot see you anymore. So I can pretend that I am all right." 

"Have I hurt you that much?" I ask shakily observing him through my blurry vision. My heart aches to each word he spits out for me to hear. I feel every bit of his sorrow and in return, I bleed with remorse and shame. 

"Did I hurt you that much that you did not give me a chance to celebrate your fertility with you, to provide and care for you during your months of pregnancy as you deserved? That you did not give me a chance to witness my male's birth? I yearned for him as much as you did. It would have been nice to see it. Tell me, in the nine months of your pregnancy did he kick you with his little feet as I read in those books? Did you feel his spirit, his heartbeat? What about his first cry when he came out of you?" I swallow striving to not break apart in front of him. This is much harder than I thought it would be.

"Yes he kicked at times demanding attention but he never once cried except for the day you arrived. He sensed you, Phobos. He knew you were there to take him home. Forgive me for not returning to you earlier I was terrified to face you. To face this. I should have been more mature about this I know but please try to understand me."

"We both seem to be weak, Theia. And I admit that my only weakness is you. No one else bears the capability to injure me like this, like the way you do."

"I want to move past this. I want us to fight for what we can have together. I will not give up on us." I screech with determination and Phobos glances away from me only to settle his head against the wall and stare up at the ceiling.

"What have we become, I do not recognize either of us anymore? Both of the times I left you when you were ten and eighteen I swore with my life that I would protect you, that I would always make sure you would be happy. But if I had known you would only be ruined by constant unhappiness maybe I would have thought through things differently."

"I am not unhappy!" 

"You were happy in Italy, it took me some time to learn of it but I saw the glow in your eyes. I should let you go, if your happiness is elsewhere it is my duty as your male to make sure you have that for the rest of your life. I should set you free but no matter how hard I endeavour to cut the thread that ties you to me it never rips. The moon truly is vicious to you and me both."

Crawling towards my moon blessed at an indefinable speed catching him off guard I kneel in front of him and smash my palms over his cheeks whilst yanking his face closer to mine in one firm tug so he can see the truth in my eyes. "I love you with the totality of my heart and soul. I love Tadeas, he is the beautiful male we created together and I value us, the unbreakable bond the moon has blessed us with. I can never leave you again and Italy proved to me that. It ushered me to where my true home was. It is not a place but it is you, Phobos. You are my home. I cannot live without you, I cannot lose you and you are my happiness, you stupid male! So get that through your thick skull." 

My chest heaves as I strive to reign in my emotions whilst he gapes at me with shock accompanied by a hint of something unreadable. I seize his wrist to gently pluck the knife away and fling it to the other side. I will make sure he will never get his hands on it again. I lay my cheek on his bleeding palm and place a loving kiss on his cut smearing my lips with his blood whilst he tenderly swipes his thumbs below my eyes wiping my tears away. He leans down and grazes his lips against my pulse, he cannot help himself anymore.

"Stop hurting yourself, please." 

"I almost lost my life again, Theia. Now I feel quite pleased I am alive." The speedy rhythms of my heart delay at their pace and I glance at him with apprehension. What did he just say to me?

"W-What?" 

"Abandonment and death of a loved one do not sit well with me. It was the same situation just like the one after my parents passed. My beast took control of my being whilst I healed behind barriers but he unknowingly fed off my soul and with every day he lived in my body, I died a little each day."

"No. No." I shake my head with a gut-wrenching wail as understanding of what is wrong with him sinks in. The reason for his emotionlessness, it is not a mask he is wearing but it is his reality. This is why he said looking at me is killing at him. "Look into my eyes, what do you see? What do you feel?"

Phobos smiles sadly at me as a smile that butchers me from the inside. "I cannot read them anymore, Theia. I cannot read your emotions."