Split Attention [Ass Expansion]

You feel bad you can't give your poor girlfriend the attention she needs. She resembles more of a whimpering puppy than a frustrated lover, staring longingly at you while you tic-tac away on your laptop. As much as you'd like to indulge her, your boss needs you to finish this rewrite a botched report by tomorrow or your firm is at risk of losing another client. It's not strenuous, just time consuming, as you have to annotate and source the many claims and promises of performance that Jerry almost fictitiously made in the stockholders meeting last week.. 

You massage the bridge of your nose and take a deep, exasperated sigh, and your girlfriend gives you a reassuring look. Does she look, bigger.. than usual? Maybe she put on a couple pounds from this holiday season and you haven't noticed yet, its felt like a long, stressful blur since your firm changed management last thanksgiving, she could have dyed her hair pink and you wouldn't have noticed. You shake your head: focus, you need to focus if you're going to have an ounce to sleep tonight. 

You work arduously, page after page of sloppy shorthand notes forged into even more pages of solid, uncrackable conclusions and extrapolations; sprinkled with obfuscating corporate lingo to boot. You're just about to go for another cup of coffee when your phone buzzes, a new email from your boss. It reads; "Report's due next week, someone put the dates in the google calendar wrong lol"

All the pent up stress and worry flows out of you like a balloon being deflated. Instantly you turn to tell your girlfriend the news, but she's on the carpet, sitting on what looks like, a bean bag? She gives you a coy smile, and rises to her knees, showing off what isn't a bean-bag, but her butt- it looks as if it had put on at least 100 lbs. You're flabbergasted, is this even physically possible? 

Your confusion is quickly overshadowed by more primal desires. She rises, closes and frisbies your laptop to the other end of the couch and straddles you with monstrously thick thighs, that creak the frame as she rests on her haunches. Her new mass completely pins you, and you reach around to feel her behind; which is like two beach-balls made of jello. 

She leans in, and she helps you give atonement for your irresponsible negligence.