Update

Hello everyone 

It’s hard to even know where to begin. First of all, I want to say that your kindness and understanding have meant more than I can say. What’s happened to me over the last couple of months has been totally unprecedented and blindsided me completely and I’ve felt beyond terrible that I haven’t even been able to really update you, let alone work. I promise that there will be plenty of ways in which I’ll be making that up to you over the coming weeks and months but right now all I can do is to thank you for keeping the faith in me and for your kindness, support and messages.

I won’t mince words. This has been hell. I’ve been far far sicker than I’ve admitted, and for far, far longer.  I’ve spent a gruelling stretch of time in hospital. I am already hospital phobic so finally biting the bullet and calling an ambulance was a sign of just how sick I was, but what happened next has left me pretty much traumatised for life. The shitty hospital spent several days letting me get weaker and sicker and no matter how much I begged them to listen and help I worsened to a point where I ended up collapsing and having a near death experience that I’m pretty much never going to be ready to think about. I ended up being given emergency blood transfusions that day, I’d never had one before and the whole thing felt like a kind of surreal dream but at least they finally began to actually help me.

But the incompetence and shittiness of the hospital didn’t end there and when I’m stronger I’m going to be putting together one fucking giant complaint. For now I’m finally home but I’m incredibly weak and it’s going to take me a long time to recuperate. I can barely walk, I suffered severe malnutrition (yes, me, big piggy fatso gurgle goddess couldn’t eat for weeks on end and one of the diagnoses I was given was severe malnutrition. You have no idea how much this upsets me, after all the years I spent growing my curves) and right now I’ve been given a diagnosis of severe inflammatory bowel disease, likely Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis, but also I’ve been told I have an unidentified condition they’ve ‘never seen anything like before’ and have no idea what it is. That’s a horrible thing to have hanging over my head. Waiting for the results of biopsies, but I guess if anyone has to be a freak it might as well be me. And hey, as soon as I can get more of my strength together I have a lot of stories to share with you all that I’m sure will be of interest, so at least my freakiness won’t go to waste??

Right now I’ve been put on a massive course of steroids to try to suppress the way my body is attacking itself and although improvements are taking time they’re definitely happening, little by little. And it’s not all bad. Guess what one of the side effects of the steroids happens to be? Let’s just say I have *never* experienced hunger like it, and I’m literally shovelling food in my mouth day and night right now. I’m happy to report that already I’ve had a big improvement in the softness of my gut again! But losing all that fat, all that softness, all that squish - that seriously broke my heart.

I think I’m doing pretty well considering how dangerously sick I got for a while there, but I have a very long way to go. Luckily I have a lot of videos - both old ones and ones I recorded a few months ago - that I’ll get back to sharing in a few days as well as many stories of my experiences to share while I’m still unable to make new video content and i really hope you’ll stick with me as I get back on track - especially as I try to find out what my freaky unknown condition is???

Plunging from almost 14 stone to less than 11 in a couple of months was a horrible experience but god it’s made me determined to make my body look and feel the way I want it to. So right now I’m going to focus on getting better, beating my damn immune system trying to destroy me and by the next time you see me in the flesh I’ll be the softest, curviest you’ve ever seen me.

That’s a promise.

Love to you all xxxxxxx

💙💙💙