Uno

Here's a story I submitted for Omnitopia's 2nd competition. The theme was an omnipotent sub. This one's far more in line with traditional HikerAngel. Hope you all enjoy!

“Welcome to the highest plane of existence, Ms. Cooper.”

Andrea looked around, confused at where exactly she was. Last she recalled, she was on a dangerous deep-space expedition to the middle of the universe with seven other crew mates, but now there was only her and the mystery woman, and this mysterious, ethereal woman before her certainly didn’t look or sound like any of her male cohorts. She was a translucent blue color, with strange, otherworldly markings orbiting her skin like animated tattoos. Her body was without clothing, yet featureless. Andrea couldn’t quite tell if this goddess was just slightly taller than herself or very much taller, as she seemed to create an optical illusion with her unclear perspective. She was quite beautiful, contrasting Andrea’s chub with a perfect hourglass figure, bountiful breasts, and desirable thighs.

Andrea’s bulky astronaut suit was nowhere to be seen, nor was her jumpsuit, leaving her rather unimpressive body exposed. Her attire consisted entirely of the pajamas she would always wear around the house, and even around the space station. She was definitely a long way from Kansas.

“The highest plane of existence, huh?” Andrea asked, wasting no time with shock and awe. “I must’ve been sucked into a wormhole or something.”

“Not a wormhole. I merely chose you out of your compatriots as a representation of humanity as a reward for reaching the center of the universe!” The voice whimsically explained, with a hint of authority to her tone. “You, Andrea Cooper, have been awarded a chance to ask an ascended being one question, and one question only!”

“What do you mean by ‘chance?’” Andrea asked, crossing her arms. She could smell a catch from a mile away.

“To prove that humanity is a worthy species to receive such ascended answers, you must beat me in a Terran game of your choosing.” To accentuate her point, several translucent symbols of various sports manifested around the woman’s form. “It could be a swimming competition, jump rope, basketball. It could even be non-physically intensive games—such as chess, Clue, Crazy Eights—“

“Uno.” Andrea interrupted the ascended being as soon as she heard the mention of a card game as a possibility.

“I… beg your pardon?” Asked the ethereal woman, a hint of confusion breaking through in her voice?”

“You deaf? I said I wanted to play Uno.” Andrea clarified, growing annoyed.

“Perhaps… I haven’t properly emphasized the gravity of this opportunity,” the goddess reinforced, her tone wavering. “This is your one chance. If you fail this game, humanity will never be given another chance to meet an ascended—“

“Yeah, yeah. I know the risks,” Andrea interrupted once more, waving her hand dismissively.

“Are you sure you really want to risk everything on a game that is mostly random cha—?“

“Yes! Jesus, I said I wanted to play Uno, and I meant what I said. Are we going to play now or what?”

“Very well. It is your choice and I intent to respect it,” the etherial woman spoke with a resigned sigh. A small, circular wooden table manifested in-between the two women, complete with two chairs and a 108 stack of cards laying face down in the perfect center.

Already, Andrea had complaints. “Um, this is not how I play uno. I use a double deck. 216 cards, or no game.”

“…Very well,” the ascended woman spoke, already clearly tired of Andrea’s antics. “I suppose it won’t effect the game balance all that much.” One by one, an extra deck of card neatly manifested itself atop the previous one.

Andrea popped a seat in her chair at an angle, slouching lazily as she did so. “I sure hope you shuffled this well. My group of friends usually defaults to me to shuffle since I’m the only one who knows how to do a bridge.” For someone who only had once-in-a universe’s-lifetime chance to make this count, Andrea certainly didn’t seem all that concerned. This was just another game of Uno to her.

The ethereal woman neatly sat down in her chair, discreetly crossing one long, beautiful leg over the other. Sure enough, she was at least two heads taller than Andrea’s diminutive 5’6. ”I can assure you this will be as perfect of a shuffle as one could issue. Unlike your earthly random number generations which rely on lava lamps, our non-linear methods and abilities to shut of biases makes us the perfect chance-based creators.”

Andrea just rolled her eyes and made a jack-off motion with her hand, as if to mock her ascended adversary. The all-knowing woman chose to ignore the intentional implications of such a rude gesture, understanding that Andrea was merely a human, and would therefore always be naturally inferior to an ascended being such as herself.

“Alright, what ruleset are we playing by?” Andrea asked, doing some lazy stretches from within her chair.

“Well, I was—“

“Actually, never mind,” the rude astronaut interrupted once again. “My kind created this game, so I get to set the rules.”

“Fine. But I will not agree to play if they unfairly benefit you in either way,” the powerful woman responded, growing impatient by Andrea’s increasing list of demands.

“Dude, c’mon, I’m not gonna screw you over or anything. What, you don’t trust me?” Andrea asked, gesturing to herself exaggeratedly. “Ten card draw, numbers can stack.”

“That… appears fair,” replied the ascended woman with hesitation. Once the rules were agreed upon, twenty cards were drawn from the deck face-down by an invisible force, dealing the card one by one and alternating between Andrea and her ascended opponent.

“May the best woman win,” the beautiful blue being expressed excitedly.

“Sure, uh, yeah, you too,” Andrea replied, only half paying attention as she looked about her cards to plan a strategy.

The ethereal woman giggled as she looked about her deck, happy with the hand she had been dealt. Andrea, on the other hand, had a stone cold poker face. Her ascended rival wasn’t sure if that meant that the hand was particularly good or bad, but it was impressive to say the least. She was clearly a master at what little strategy there was to this game.

A card was drawn from the top of the deck—a green seven. Now, the translucent blue woman was getting excited. Her complex and infinite mind was already planning out her next set of moves. How she had a green three and a yellow three to combo together, how she could then place a yellow skip to bypass Andrea’s next turn to continue her attack should the color stay yellow.

Then Andrea placed down a blue seven. There went her perfect plan. Still, it wasn’t the end of the world, the ascended girl could still bring this one back. She had a single blue card ready to play, and she could only hope that Andrea would respond with something her other colors could play off of. Placing down a blue two, she awaited Andrea’s play.

And then Andrea hit her with the blank card.

“Oh! A wild card! What color will you pick?” asked the big blue woman eagerly.

“Hmm, well, before I pick a color, I’ve got to apply a new rule to you.”

“What? What are you talking about?” Demanded the ascended girl. “That card’s blank! It doesn’t have a rule on it!”

“Uh, clearly you’ve never played my version of Uno. Everyone in my school played like this,” Andrea justified. “If you play a blank card with no rule on it, then you get to make a random rule up that stays until the end of the game.”

“Very well then, what is your rule, little human?” the ethereal woman spoke, impatiently drumming her fingers along the wooden table.

“Hmm, draw two cards, then make your boobs bigger.”

“…”

“Is there a problem?”

“…You can’t be serious.”

“What? Are you about to tell me that you can’t change your form at will? So much for an ascended being or whatever.”

“D-do not doubt my abilities! It’s not that I could not, it’s that I would not! That is obscene! I will not enlarge my breasts for you!”

“Um, yeah you will. I played a blank card. You have to do whatever I say.”

“But, that is so unfair!” The omni-powerful woman on the other side of the card table lamented. “If you wanted, that card could just end the game immediately!”

Andrea just shrugged her shoulders. “I mean, yeah, I guess it could. Wouldn’t be much fun if I did.”

“Oh, would it now?” Replied the goddess-amongst-men, her sarcasm laid bare for Andrea.

“Yep,” Andrea replied, unfazed. “That’s the nature of Uno. If you had one of those cards and wanted to end the game, then go right ahead and play it.”

There was a bout of silence as the ascended woman’s translucent pupils scanned her hand for such a card, especially after the deck added two more.

“Anyways, I’m waiting for you to make your boobs bigger.”

Once again, a pregnant pause. But this time, Andrea’s adversary was simply stunned in disbelief. Even her infinite mind was at a loss for what to make of this situation.

The beautiful blue woman let her head fall in defeat, conceding to Andrea as her already sizable breasts ballooned from their D-cup status all the way to natural E’s. The goddess took a breath, and a smirk grew on Andrea’s face as she watch her opponent’s chest mountains jiggle slightly. Even in a world beyond reality, breast physics still remained intact.

“Congratulations, you’ve humiliated me. I hope you’re happy.”

“Reasonably,” Andrea responded, retaining the smirk on her face.

The game continued, the ascended woman returning with a brutal offense. She quickly whittled down her cards, all the while, Andrea was drawing more cards than she was placing. Finally, the goddess thought, she would still have her victory yet.

And then, Andrea placed down another blank card.

“Hmm, draw four cards and turn around to give me a nice look at that ass of yours. Bend it over the table and get it close to my face.”

Andrea said this as if it was as common of a demand as making the punishment jumping jacks.

“Y-you pervert! Is this how you get your sick kicks?” The goddess responded in disbelief.

“Why are you asking? Aren’t you a god? Can’t you just look into my Uno-playing history or whatever?”

The ascended woman’s lip quivered. “I-I chose to respect your privacy in this matter.”

Andrea shrugged. “I wouldn’t.”

“Well then, you insolent little brat, perhaps I should—“

“That’s a lot of talking and not a lot of ass-presenting you’re doing there.”

A bright blue blush overtook the cheeks of the furious face that the goddess was sporting. Said anger remained even as the ascended woman sat up, turned around and bent over so that her bare rear was placed down atop the table, giving the astronaut an unparalleled view of her large, magnificent ass. As a little bonus, her puffy, plush pussy was peeking out in between her thighs, giving Angela a nice two-for-one deal.

“Dude, you’re bleeding, I can see your hand,” was Andrea’s only comment. Sure enough, the all-knowing goddess was so flustered she had forgotten that her body was see-through and the astronaut could peak at her cards. Perturbed, the goddess returned to her seat. She said nothing regarding Andrea’s statement. It didn’t matter after all, she was going to win. She was going to win and then rip this foolish mortal astronaut down to the components of her atoms.

The game continued, the goddess quickly pulling herself back once more from her four-card deficit. Now, all that remained in her hand was a draw four card and a draw two. As soon as Andrea’s turn was over, she was going to win.

But, as if the universe suddenly had it out for one of its creators, Andrea placed down yet another blank card.

“W-what!? That’s… that’s bullshit! You’re totally cheating!” The ascended woman exclaimed, her irateness escaping from under the veneer of formality.

The astronaut just raised an eyebrow. “I mean, if I was cheating, I’m pretty sure you of all people would know immediately, right?”

“I-“

The blue goddess couldn’t even finish her retort. Andrea was right, and she couldn’t stand that fact.

“Anyways, why don’t you…” she then paused to laugh devilishly, not as if a particularly humiliating fate to bestow upon her opponent had crossed her mind, but more as though she recalled a funny memory she was eager to shoot the shit with. “Y’know, back on the space station, there was this really cute girl. Melody, yeah, that was her name. She was this super cute, short-stacked, glasses-wearing girl who would always get super flustered just like you whenever the two of us played Uno together. Well, I mean, at least she had a reason, I was totally cheating whenever we played together, but-“

Now it was the ascended woman who had interrupted Andrea. “Please, hurry up with this tangent of yours. What else do you wish to befall me with?”

“Sheesh, I’m getting to it. What’s your rush? I’m the one here on limited time. Anyways, I want you to turn into a naked version of Melody from the space station.” Andrea spoke as if she were ordering an art commission on the internet.

These requests kept getting weirder and weirder, not to mention—more humiliating. To reduce her form to that of a mere human? The goddess’ peers would mock her relentlessly for such a transformation. But the heart of the cards and her opponent’s sick, twisted mind compelled her to do so, and so she did.

Her perturbed face remaining, the ascended woman began to shrink in size. The body she prided herself on, the one that she had worked tirelessly to perfect to each one of her impossibly high standards, reduced in an instant. Her beautiful translucent blue skin? Now imperfect, opaque human skin. The perspective trick she was going for? Nonexistent now. She still possessed unimaginable, infinite power, but one would never be able to tell. Now, with thick glasses and a tiny frame shorter than her opponent’s, she looked just like any other human.

“Alright, I’ve fulfilled your silly little request. May I turn back now?” the once-blue ascended woman spoke.

“Pssh, hell no, ‘Melody.’ You’re going to stay like that until the end of the game,” Andrea replied with a chuckle, her eye’s firmly locked on goddess-Melody’s naked chest. “Gotta say, you really did her justice. I’ve never seen her naked, but this is exactly what I imagined she’d look like.”

The ascended woman simply had to sit there like a mannequin on display as Andrea drank in her new body. This unusual form of hers was limiting to stay the least. While she could still conjure anything she could conceive, the endless range of her prior, perspectiveless body was dearly missed.

“Hey, what’s your name, by the way?” Andrea asked casually, as if she hadn’t just thoroughly and strategically humiliated the ascended woman.

“What’s your angle here, astronaut?” the Melody doppelgänger answered immediately, raising a less-sculpted eyebrow. “Is this some sort of trick question? Are you going to force me to go by Melody now?”

“No, I’m not going to force you to change your name to Melody.”

Seeing the opportunity to make small talk, the goddess accepted Andrea’s question.

“Ah, well in that case, us ascended beings do not have names, little human. We have no need for such garish descriptors. Our hyper-advanced language allows us to communicate ideas without proper nouns.”

“Ah, I see,” was the astronaut’s response. She then placed down another blank card, and not-Melody’s jaw dropped.

“Well, your name is now ‘Stupid Idiot.’”

Andrea had built her up, just to bring her back down to the very bottom.

“W-wh… but that’s not… Why are you doing this to me?”

Andrea just shrugged her shoulders. “Eh, this is just how I play Uno, Stupid Idiot.”

“I-I bring you to the realm of the gods, shower you with praise and bless you with a chance at greatness, and this is how you treat me?”

“Yep.”

“You’re heartless, human.”

“And you’re a stupid idiot, Stupid Idiot.”

“I-I could eviscerate you where you stand!” Stupid Idiot raised her voice, standing as tall as her chubby, diminutive Melody body would allow her to.

“Not without placing a blank card first, you can’t. That’d be against the rules, Stupid Idiot.”

The humiliated goddess seethed in anger, gnashing her teeth together as she tried to keep a hold on her temper. Tears welled in her eyes. How had this pathetic human had managed to best her at every step? She didn’t want to believe that only pure luck had been the one to defeat her. Andrea had already placed down four blank cards, the chance of her placing down a fifth in a deck of 216 cards was a 0.000001429% chance of occurring. Basically impossible.

And then Andrea immediately followed up her previous play with another blank card.

Stupid Idiot just stared at the blank card at the top of the deck with a thousand-yard stare. It was as if she had just witnessed her entire family be murdered right before her very eyes. As a god, she had never known suffering, but she had just learned what it truly meant today.

“Hmm, now what should I make you do this time?” Andrea asked aloud, though with no hint of smugness. She was clearly running out of interesting ways to humiliate Stupid Idiot.

“P-please… just ask your question,” the beautiful woman begged, tears pouring down her once-perfect face. “T-the game can be over, it can end right now with you as the winner. A-ask as many questions as you like. Anything at all! Just please, cease this torture.”

“Hmm, nah, I don’t think I will. In fact, eat me out while I think about what to do with you.”

Knowing there was no way she’d be able to talk the astronaut out of this, the ascended woman did as she was told. She got on her hands and knees, crawled under the table and began to lap at Andrea’s netherregions.

“This is demeaning,” Stupid Idiot lamented from within Andrea’s muff.

“Uh, and whose fault is that? You shuffled the deck,” Andrea responded casually as she absent-mindedly reorganized the cards in her sizable hand.

“Heh, you should totally wear some sexy cat maid outfit. Just like those anime my friend used to watch.” As soon as Andrea looked down, Stupid Idiot was clad in lacy lingerie, complete with a cat ear headband and a floofy cat tail buttplug. “Nice, good choice, you plucked it right out of my mind!”

Stupid Idiot didn’t want to play this game anymore, and yet she returned her gaze to her hand all the same upon returning to her seat. A shiver was sent up her spine as she sat on her buttplug at a weird angle.

As the goddesses’ eyes scanned her new set of cards once more, she was ready to give up. But then, a shining beacon of light presented itself in the form of a certain card peaking out amongst the rest. The brilliant off-white of a blank card, now securely within her grasp. Stupid Idiot’s perfect lips twisted into a devious smile.

She couldn’t stop herself from letting a sly giggle escape from her clenched teeth. This was the perfect bit of irony she needed. After too many instances of this simple human one-upping her, this was her chance. She was going to make Andrea wish the game had ended when Stupid Idiot had offered several turns ago.

In one exaggeration motion, the goddess drew her card from her hand of three and slammed it down on the tiny wooden table with enough force to end reality twice over. Of course, she wanted to make sure Andrea was still alive to witness the torture Stupid Idiot was about to make her suffer through.

She left her hand on top of the card, but left a gap in her fingers just large enough that her opponent could fully realize the horrifying implications of what a mere glimpse of blankness for that card meant.

Stupid Idiot chuckled darkly once she noticed Andrea pay attention to the recently-placed card. “Now, considering the frankly unfair rule of whoever plays this card being able to do whatever they want, I am going to make your life a living hell, little astronaut. You thought your demands were cruel and demeaning? You’ll wish your life choices never led to an opportunity such as this. I’ll make you wish you were never born. I’ll make your family wish they never birthed you. I’ll make the universe wish it had never set up the series of events to bring you into existence.”

Andrea’s stone-cold “meh” face remained as Stupid Idiot continued. “First, you’ll worship me like a god for the rest of your pitiful existence. And I will make sure to squeeze as much time as possible out of that, yes indeed. Every possible millisecond of every possible day across every alternate timeline everyone you’ve ever loved or cared about will know that you are a pathetic worshipper of me until they are fed up of hearing it, and they will curse your name whenever ‘Andrea Cooper’ is uttered for any reason. Oh, and that won’t be your name, because I’ll craft up a name that combines every single horrendous word that’s ever been uttered by a mouth in the history of humanity. And those who remember what your name once was will forget, so to recall your name will give them great discomfort as they wonder what cruel creation brought about such a horrific string of phrases.”

Stupid Idiot then lifted her hand off of the card, laying back in her seat and spreading her legs, her netherregions beckoning Andrea. “Well? Go ahead, astronaut. Pleasure me until I’m satisfied.

But Andrea just tilted her head forward to get a better look at the card placed before them. “Uh, sorry, but it’s not a blank card. You don’t get to make a new rule.” Stupid Idiot blinked twice, rocketing up out of her chair in disbelief and mirroring her rival’s downward gaze. Sure enough, in the center of the card which had been previously covered by the ascended woman’s hand, the words “swap hands with another player” had been printed in a small black font.

There was a pregnant pause.

“So, go ahead, do as the card says.”

A high-pitched whine rang through Stupid Idiot’s ears as she realized she’d be giving up her two-card guaranteed win deck for Andrea’s ten-card deck.

“Wh-I… N-no! I want to place a different card down!”

“You already took your hand off the card. Once you do that, you can’t change your mind.”

The monotone whine within her ears only got louder as the invisible force generated by Stupid Idiot switched the hands between the two women. The match was over in an instant after that. It didn’t matter what cards the goddess had in her new hand, she wasn’t going to get a chance to use them. Sure enough, Andrea immediately placed down her new draw four, claimed Uno, and got an Uno-out with her draw two, ending the game once and for all. “Hey, good game, that was pretty fun.”

Despite losing to a lower lifeform, the ascended woman had never felt more elated. Finally, the torture was over. She returned to her prior form, taking a deep, static breath as she allowed her infinite power to properly flow throughout her body once more.

Andrea nodded her head with satisfaction. “Alright, yeah, I think I’m ready to ask my species-defining question now.”

“Oh, fucking finally, what is it?”

“Best two-outta-three?”