Super Jaded - Epilogue

Here it is! The final piece of Super Jaded! Next week, the Tenant starts back up!

“Aww, Neens, don’t tell me you’re struggling with your half.”

“Am not!” I shouted back, the objects in my grasp wobbling and waiting against my denial. “My arm’s just...still a little sore after you broke it!” Should they fall, the items—with how far we were up in the sky—would almost certainly create an extinction-level event. Not that I really cared.

“Yeah, right!” my wife of three months responded, her words piercing right through my bluff. “Your arm healed almost immediately after that!”

“Well... all the national monuments are a bit awkward to carry, Fern!” my train of thought was briefly interrupted as the Lincoln memorial fell out of my stack, only to be caught by Fern’s off-hand. The blunder quickly turned in my favor, however, as I got to catch a glimpse of her powerful bicep flex as it effortlessly worked against gravity and 38,000 metric tons of stone

“They don’t exactly fit together like puzzle pieces when placed in a stack! We really should’ve taken multiple trips!”

“You certainly can take multiple trips if you’d like. I, on the other hand...” placing her larger palm in the space between my hands, she shifted the load-bearing Jefferson Memorial over to her pile, alongside the other twenty monuments that were being carried atop it. “...can certainly make up the difference if necessary.”

The only thing I was left holding was a puny, 360-foot-tall statue of Christopher Columbus by the tip with two mere toes.

Fern noticed my pouty expression, a devious smile encroaching upon her beautiful face. “Aww, babe, do I make you feel inadequate?”

I further exaggerated my puppy dog face into comic proportions, trying my hardest not to laugh at the bit.

I tried my hardest not to stare agape in awe as my wonderful wife warped the massive stack of marble somewhere far away where we didn’t have to think about it. With those matter displacement powers, she was resembling more of a god every single day.

With her hands now free, she floated towards me for a calming embrace, rubbing her warm hands along my bare shoulders.

“We’ve spent enough time doing what I wanted to do today. Anything you wanted to get done? Sun’s still high.”

“Actually, there was one thing I wanted to do today,” I replied, rubbing my hand along my chin in introspection.

***

The wide-screen TV burst into vibrant color as me and Fern appeared, slightly off-center in frame.

The two of us were adorned in matching attire, cute dresses that made us look more like showgirls than superheroes. Fern was essentially wearing two due to the custom nature of her outfit.

Only this time, I was wearing the sexy dress for myself, not for anyone else.

“Hello all! This is Nina Etana speaking! And this is my lovely wife, Fern Chang!”

Despite Fern’s hulking frame enlarging her to the point where the top of her head was out of shot, she was still rather camera-shy. I didn’t blame her, she hadn’t had the five years of experience that publicity stunts and uncomfortably sexy camera shoots which prepared me for this.

“We understand that some of you may see us as rulers or overlords, especially after we hunted down and assassinated every major president, prime minister and billionaire on Earth. But I assure you that we want no such title! Isn’t that right, Fern?”

“Yes. That is true,” she said in monotone, internally sabotaging herself with anxiety amongst the idea that billions would likely see this video. But I kept trucking along, continuing with a tone of voice that mirrored a mother talking down to her child.

“Listen, if you see us in public, we only ask one thing: leave us be!” I threw up jazz hands to accentuate my point as a silly infographic displaying the same three-letter phrase transitioned onto the screen in a PowerPoint presentation fashion.

“That’s all we ask! It’s a very simple rule to follow! It doesn’t matter if we’re doing something you personally agree with or disagree with, the truth is: we don’t care what you think!” Like before, words filled the screen to reinforce my point, slightly different in transition from the previous subtitle.

“It’s like interacting with a bear! If you leave it be, it will leave you be! Pretty simple, I’d say!” A PNG of a bear floated in a straight line, appearing from the left side of the screen before disappearing off the right. A compressed “roar” sound effect played to compliment the graphic.

The PSA was corny and poorly edited, but I figured there wasn’t going to be any dissenting opinions in response to it.

With my superhero job essentially over, I could focus on a surprise passion of mine which had sprung up over the past few months: filmmaking.

“Well, what do you think, Fern?” I asked, knowing that her opinion was the only checkpoint between this video being seen by the entire world.

She hid her face and tried not to laugh, her long, chestnut tresses jittering as they revealed her inner emotions. “Oh my god, I looked like such a plank of wood! There’s no way we can show this to the world!”

But a reassuring grasp of her arms calmed her, same as she had done to me earlier. Her hands broke away from her face to allow me to hop up and plant a kiss on her lips.

“Don’t worry, Fern. I’d like to see anyone try to tell my loving wife that her acting is stale bread.” I felt her hands grip lower around me, causing my voice to drop a sultry octave in response. “I’d love to see you teleport him to Mars only to drop an entire moon on him before he can completely suffocate to death.”

I continued with the hypotheticals until the two of us were making out on the floor. We were already in our new favorite hangout/sleeping spot—the ruins of Rushmore—so this was already an inevitable conclusion to any event between us that took place there.

It wasn’t long until we were both naked, lovingly caressing each other’s bodies as we giggled out the gitters. It was our first time nude outdoors—willingly, at least. Something I was eager to suggest yet Fern was hesitant to partake in.

But now, she was loving the freedom of it (and I was loving the sight of my muscular girlfriend, arguably more so). Too bad a crashing plane threatened to ruin such a serene moment.

Our eyelids opened with annoyance as we both glanced towards the sky, breaking through the cloud layer right towards us. I almost didn’t care, if it crashed into us, then it crashed into us. No big deal. But then I realized that it would further decimate Rushmore…and we had already demolished it the perfect amount!

Wordlessly, our pupils lit up in unison as our collective gaze followed the trajectory of the falling plane. I closed my left eye and Fern closed her right, allowing two twin beams to fire off at the direction of the plane full of people.

The massive transport was melted in midair, catching fire before exploding once the fuel tanks were ruptured.

And just like that, the sky was clear once more, its beautiful light blue now speckless before us.

Bits and pieces of debris sprinkled around us, but we were too busy becoming lost in each others’ eyes all over again.