About me, the games and 2021

Not sure how I should even categorize what I'll be talking about, let's say "I'm letting out some steam."

I always was happy about 2020, it was a better year compared to 2021 or now 2022.
It's when stuff was going up pretty well. I'm not really talking in terms of support, but self esteem. I was happy everyday to work hard and trying to be one of the best.
Well, thing is 2021 messed me up pretty bad, both phisically and mentally.
I'm not really talking about covid here, it could've been 20% at fault maybe, I was sick a few times, but I never really made any tests during that time, to be sure if it even was covid.
Well, to get to the point, the reason was that some important people I knew died in 2021, including my grandmother that I was quite attached to.
All these events, left me paranoid, specially, since death, was something I always feared.

I've started having problems like headaches that stayed for a month, diarhea, shortness of breath and sometimes I even stopped eating. But at the end this was all because of me being paranoid.
It made me nervous, caused anxiety and made my muscless tighten, which was the major reason for my headaches too.
I was at the hospital several times and the medics never found any real issue.
The only known health issue I have, is gastric reflux, that causes me heartburn.

Now since I explained the issues, the major reason that I got a apprentice like M3do that I trained personally early 2021, was because I thought I might have not long to live anymore. I wanted someone to be able to finish my work after all. I just couldn't stand the though of my games being left in the dust.

Some people might been thinking, that the updates would come out faster now that I got someone working for me, but it's not really like that.
M3do has been replacing me most of the time since I wasn't able to work at all.
And no matter how much I train someone, nobody can be as fast as me with less years of experience.

I did say once that the update time would get better in the future and I still believe that.
I'm also sorry that I didn't say anything more specific sooner, it's just that there was no point on telling that much without being sure what's really happening.
I was pretty aware of certain flaws that were happening, as thous one of the reasons I commissioned a lot of artwork, is to give something extra to my supporters for all their support after all.
I do have a strong sense of "justice" and I would feel some guilt if I wouldn't do that.

It would pain me, to know that some supporters would think that I'm "milking" them, just due to my ineffectiveness I had since last year.
It sure isn't something I want to be remembered as my career goes on as a developer.
I also thought about having my supporter pages on hold several times because of that. But as someone that still lives in switzerland, It could've been a strain to be able to pay certain expenses, since it hasn't been that much time since I recovered from paying all my past loans.

Well, good thing is, I'm feeling better this year and compared to 2021, I've recovered a lot.
I have to take some medication to keep me calm sometimes, while it does affect my work, it's not even half as bad compared to some months ago.
I do keep thinking, it would be nice to be able to work again like I did before 2021, but some things need to change for that.
Leaving switzerland could be one of them, since just existing here is stressful.