Journal 1

First, I'd like to thank you guys for everything you've done for me.  It's more than financial, all of you have raised my self esteem and given me the confidence and courage to take gaining this far.  I know to many it's just a fetish, and it's superficial, but it's always been a primitive urge for me. Never in my life did I think I'd ever give in and go this far. I have officially broken out of what I thought was just being a "big guy" and turned into a full fat ass. In the 9 months I've been on Patreon, I haven't been as communicative as I'd like to be. I still work on the side and I am trying to balance the social life as someone who has more than doubled their weight in the last couple of years. With that being said, I care about each one of you for playing an active role in this, and I'd like to get to know everyone better as I go along. If you'd like to just use this as a spank-bank, that's cool too, I definitely don't mind. 

Some of the most frequent questions I receive are along the lines of "How did you get into gaining?" and "Why did you gain so fast?" I'm more than happy to answer these questions and any more that you guys have. With that being said, I think I'll dive right in. Tonight's journal is going to be a little rough outline of my gaining history. After seeing how you guys receive this (hopefully there will be more questions) I will proceed to elaborate on the daily challenges and and excitements of gaining this fast.

I have been obsessed with gainers, fat, "superchubs" since I was a little child.  My first defining memory of this was when I was about 5 years old and my mom and I were walking out to the car from Target. I don't remember why, but my mom and a massive woman (probably over 400lbs) were arguing in the parking lot. I didn't question it, my mom fought with everyone. I remember her calling her "fat" and I told her, "well I want to be fat too." This lady was huge, she had a wide gait, a prominent waddle, I was envious as a child. 

From that day on, I kind of subconsciously ate big. I was too young to realize why, but I had a draw to food, fat and eating big. I used to stuff pillows and blankets into my clothes and run around the house, my family thought it was innocent fun. I recently correlated the memory with my current size for my mother's sake. Once I explained to her that this has been in my mind since I was 5 years old, she began to accept it better (just this year.) Years went by, I turned into a fat kid. in the 5th grade, I was 170lbs. 

This didn't resurface (as far as I can remember) until I was about 12 years old. My mom had handed me down her old Blackberry phone the same week I was going on a fishing trip with my uncles up in northern Michigan. This was a huge moment for me because it was the first time I could go on the internet without having my browsing history monitored. My uncles took me up north, and I was never much of a outdoorsman as a kid (I grew into that later.) I decided to stay at the cabin as they went out on the boat fishing. I went to the bathroom, locked the door, and began searching "fat people" on google. Under the images column, a thumbnail of Bigdawg420 appeared, I clicked. One of his Youtube videos began playing, and I saw a huge 450lb man waddling around, out of breath, playing with his gut. At that very moment, I knew what I wanted. While my uncles were gone fishing, I decided to PIG OUT as much as I could. I ate most of the junk food in the cabin and then made a frozen pizza. As a kid, I was so sick after stuffing myself silly. I spent the whole night in my room playing with my belly, putting my pajamas over my belly and jiggling the underbelly that had formed. 

Again, I don't believe these thoughts resurfaced until a while after. My memory is completely spotty and distorted from years of psychological and physical abuse. Sometimes I like to think that gaining was my escape from feeling those effects. People would call me fat, I'd eat more, and smile. It has always been my very, very welcomed vice. 

The next milestone (or stepping stone) would be turning 15. I played on the apps, I had a pseudo account on Grommr, I couldn't stay away. I actually went on a date with an 18 year old to Olive Garden (from Grommr), and we had an eat-off. I was about 250 lbs at the time. No funny business, he drove me home and I slept off the pasta. For weeks after, I would spend all day at school on the Grommr page staring at bellies, thinking about bellies, and wanting to grow.  Not long after, my mom discovered I was gay (through web history) and kicked me out of her house. At 15, I was homeless and became a high school dropout to support myself. Weight was no longer a priority.

Sexual thoughts, gainer thoughts, fat thoughts were immediately placed on hold.

Fast forward to 2015. After a few years of inconsistencies, I was back on my feet. I was working full-time, I had a loving boyfriend (who had no idea what a gainer was) and we lived together. Shortly after, we became engaged. After our engagement, he had manipulated and encouraged me to lose the weight I had accumulated (I weighed about 350 lbs at that time) and I did what I was told. 

By March of 2016 I was 175 lbs. I spent 4 hours a day exercising, I didn't eat carbohydrates, I didn't drink and I didn't eat red meat. My collarbones popped out of every dress shirt I owned. I was miserable. I woke up every day dreaming of fat, missing food, hating my relationship and hating the douchebag jock I had turned myself into. 

11/2016, my fiance and I broke up due to infidelity on his end. Immediately, I began packing on the pounds. Binge drinking,  fast food, late nights, it all blew me up to about 210 lbs. At that size, I had been manipulated into thinking I was huge, fat, disgusting and that I was bigger than I ever was. I was brainwashed to hate fat, and I hated my new, larger body. However, I was battling a few addictions and could not keep the weight off. 

After a series of events proceeding my split, I was incarcerated for a couple of months. I was released in November of 2017, at 198lbs. From that day on, I've been free of the substances I was abusing for 4 years prior, and I was able to think with a clear head. From eating well and not partying, I managed to gain another 30-40 lbs subconsciously. This time, I LOVED the weight. I was clean, I was healthy, I was loving my new bulk. I had a lot of help getting on my feet from my best friend and her family. By the time I moved out on my own again, I was about 255 lbs. 

Since that day, I have lived on my own. You all have seen most of my journey since that day. That's why when I get messages regarding my confidence, I'm shocked that you guys act like I've always had it. I (literally) grew into my body, and I'm still growing.

Even though I gain deliberately, there are days I don't like all of my body parts, and that's okay! Some days I put on a short sleeved shirt, look in the mirror and change my mind, because my upper arms are HUGE. All of this eating well has blown my upper body up. I don't want to look weak, so I wear long sleeves to conceal my fat triceps. There are days I can't wear certain shirts because I feel my chest is too prominent, etc. A lot of you are just encouragers, but I know a lot of fellow gainers are on here, because I get asked about this a lot. 

Not everyone's journey is going to be easy, or difficult, but if you've ever had the mere thought about being fat, or making someone fat, you should learn to accept those feelings. I have been extremely fortunate growing up in a generation where there is a "fat acceptance movement." I feel that most of my insecurities are self-projected and as if I have no reason to hide. What's that old cliche? "Big is beautiful?" Hell yeah it is.

Thanks for reading this quick little timeline, I figured it would be fun to take a trip down memory lane.

Tomorrow: Obstacles related to weight.