All About Us - SAO Self Insert

A Self insert featuring myself and a few other writers. Only the beginning though;

The room was silent for the most part. The only sounds drifting around the room that of the sleeping canine laying across the floor of the room and the hustle and bustle of the people outside frequenting the market.

Jordan drummed his fingers irritably across the table he was sitting at, “So? We just gonnae sit here an' do fuck all then?” He stated aloud with a bit of a growl. He was getting antsy just sitting here in this quiet room. Who the fuck cared about waiting for their other friends to get back from whatever they were doing when everybody else was clamoring for the few rare items and abilities scattered across the first dungeon. The longer they waited here, the less chance they had of getting those few rare pieces.

Justin, or rather Slicerness as was his alias once again for this game gave a soft hum of acknowledgement to Jordan's irritated statement, “Not all that bothered myself really, but I'd prefer if we could go grind in the Dank Dungeon outside'a town, there should be some good materials – ore's and crap - for smithing some good armor and weapons..” He replied as he idly browsed through the smithing menu he had open in front of him, most of it greyed out due to his current low level with the skill.

After saying that, he gave the Beginner's Longsword hanging from a sheath at his hip a disgusted look, “Gettin' real sick of this fuckin' toothpick. We were probably lucky they didn't break on us when we took on that Wolf Monarch beast last night.”

The third member of the group lounging in the small hotel room gave a chuckle, swinging his own beginner sword in front of him as if slashing at an imaginary opponent, “I hear you Slice, it feels like I'm holding a butter knife here.” Henry, or Logan as he preferred to be called, put forth his own opinion on the matter.

Jordan's face split into a grin, “Good, let's fuckin' go then lads.” He said, standing to his feet abruptly.  

Upon standing, the wolf he tamed the previous night with the <Beast Tamer> skill awoke from its sleep mode and took position by his side, standing on all fours and looking proud beside its new master. Jordan felt a thrum of pride in the beast even though it was one of the weakest monsters in the game. Having a wolf with crimson bloody eyes backing you up made you badass, no two ways about it.

He barely even gave his other two companions time to respond before he and his new loyal pet Wolfie - his officially registered name - inside his head tore out of the room.

Slicerness sighed, closing the smithing menu and standing up from his seat on his bed. “Violent as always, but I suppose it's better than him getting side-tracked trying to get laid and getting murdered in his sleep or something... maybe.” He supposed it was better Jordan remained intact, he was by far the most violent of their group so he should come in pretty handy during big fights. That level of ferocity tended to unnerve people.

Logan laughed loudly following behind him as they left the room, “I doubt it'll be too long before he attempts to get some girl into bed with him, but I doubt he'll have much luck here. I bet less than ten percent of the population in this game right now are good looking girls.”

Slicerness snorted at the thought, “We better keep an eye on him then, knowing him he'll probably forget that if you kill someone here they die in real life and be all to eager to PK someone if they mouth off at him.” That was a very real possibility, he mused, Jordan wasn't known for keeping his temper in check.

...Free items for them at least, poor saps better hope they watch their moves.

Logan laughed again at the thought, “C'mon, I know he's got a temper but you don't think he'd fly off the handle like that do you?” He questioned in return.

When no reply came he felt a trickle of sweat run down the back of his neck, “Oh fuck, we better hurry up then before he and his new meat eating minion slaughter the population, we might need them later on if we wanna complete this game.” Logan said in realization.

They both sped up their walking notably.

“That was really fucked up...” Justin said blankly as he eyed Jordan's new hand axe.

“If that NPC didn't want to get a sword to the throat he wouldn't have been holding this.” The scottish teen said briskly with a smug smile.

“He was a woodsman. He chopped trees for a living.” Henry commented dryly. “With that axe.”

“Not any more!” Jordan laughed.

“... right, we're here anyway.” Justin sighed, hefting his large iron shield (+3) and fingering his sword with displeasure.

They all looked up to see a large cave entrance hollowed out of the cliff face overlooking the fields. They couldn't see very far inside, but despite the low lighting within it seems visible enough to enter without using torches.

Jordan was fine either way, having picked Night Vision as a passive skill, but Justin and Henry were without it, using the points to boost their other skills instead when they created their characters.

“I'll lead.” Justin announced, raising his shield.

“Sure.” Henry agreed, followed by a grunt from Jordan.

They entered the cave, quickly finding the place to be a little on the disturbing side. Their Beginner Boots made a slick suction sound every time they raised their feet due to the slime built up on the walls, which had pooled on the floor.  

They each made a face as the smell sank in, their avatar's nosed wrinkling at the smell of decay and stale water.

Thankfully, they were quickly ambushed by a group of monsters. A swirly brown and black slime oozed across the ground flanked by a zombie with a broken sword and an oddly good quality shield and a bat with two eye stalks.  

“Thank Christ, the welcoming committee’s here.” Justin commented, advancing on the zombie.

“I'll get the slime.” Henry piped up, sheathing his Rookie Dagger and switching to his Basic Short Sword.

“Heh, check this out!” Jordan called before he cocked his arm back and hurling his new axe – now glowing a faint red - through the air.

Surprisingly, it nailed the small bat right in the center of it's body. The bat exploded into blue motes of light shaped sort of like shards of glass, which flickered out of existence a second later, it's HP plummeting to zero.

“Fuckin' raped it!” Jordan cheered.

“Yeah, sure, make the rest of us look bad right off the bat.” Justin sniped as he wound up a swing and slammed his sword into the zombie's shield...

Which promptly bounced off, sending his arm recoiling back. Thankfully the zombie was stumbled too, meaning it didn't get a chance to counter attack either.

“Fucking FUCK!” He cried before dropping his shield and hurling himself at the zombie, viciously stabbing it in the chest until it died.

“Geez, what's got your panties in a bunch?” Henry chuckled as he leapt into the air and brought the short sword down on the puddle of slime, the momentum doing enough extra damage to kill the monster in one blow.

“I need to find an actual sword, and fast. My entire fighting style is based around being being able to blast straight through most shields, or at least do enough kinetic damage to send them stumbling back so I can hit them with the next swing.” He raised his Beginner Longsword. “This thing just won't cut it.”

The other two just grinned at him suddenly.

It took a second for the complaining warrior to get it, but when he did he just groaned. “Shut up, let's just go...”

“Should we tell him what's in here?” Jordan asked Henry quietly with an evil smile a little while later.

“I think he might kill one of us if he doesn't get one pretty soon, so we probably should.” Henry commented, eyeing their twitching friend. That decided, he cracked open the lid of the chest again and opened it as he called out. “Hey Justin, there's a sword in here you might wa-OOF”

Viciously knocking the lighter armored swordsman to the ground, Justin threw open the lid hard enough to snap it right off the rest of the wooden container.

The next few minutes were downright disturbing as the group's would-be tank started full body hugging his new Basic Greatsword and cooing at it.

After Justin managed to unwrap himself from his new weapon her equipped it and his shield, only to give a cry of frustration as the mighty blade clanged to the ground.

“No enough strength?” Jordan guessed.

Justin sighed as he sheathed the new weapon on his back and just used his shield with both hands. “Sort of, my strength is high enough to use it, but only using a two handed grip. And even if I did have enough, my <<Large Sword Equipment>> ability isn't high enough to allow one handed Greatsword use yet, and I'm kinda useless as a tank if I can't block.”

Henry shrugged, joining the conversation. “Just draw it's attention and we'll tear it apart while it's busy trying to kill you.”

“Gee, thanks.” He replied dryly.

“You're the one braggin' about being able to block anyhin', man the fuck up.” Jordan laughed as he marched onward, trusting the other two to keep up.

The Boss room wasn't too far away from the chest, and there were only a few more monsters guarding the door, which were gleefully dispatched by the now much more capable Justin while Henry and Jordan hung back, letting him have his fun while they discussed tactics for the fight.

“If I remember right, and it's the same as the beta's walkthrough, this should be the Monstrous Boar. It's entire body is covered in armor, tusks included, which do piercing and bleed damage on contact.” Henry recited from memory. Due to the power of the internet and the odd quirk of people being 100 percent willing to spoil the challenge for other people, an entire guild of people had sprang up in the beta to uncover and document every challenge the game had to offer and devise ways to beat them. All three had been eating these walkthrough video's up while they waited for the game to go live, but Henry – normally possessing a terrible memory – was the only one that remembered this particular dungeon.  

“Any unique attacks? Weaknesses?” Jordan asked as Justin wandered over, sorting the basic loot the monsters had dropped. Just some Col and vendor trash, unless one of them wanted to use a Cracked Leather Shield, or a Broken Straight Sword for some insane reason.

“Yyyyes, I believe so.” Henry replied slowly, searching his memories for the answer. “It's underbelly and backside aren't covered, so if someone can get behind it you have free reign to slash the shit out of it. It only has one telegraphed attack worth note, and that's it's <<Frenzied Charge>>. It's normal <<Charge>> is deadly, but we each have enough vitality we could take a hit and be fine, as long as we retreat immediately to use a Health Potion. The tell is that it snorts twice and lowers itself to the ground before it charges. The build up is slightly longer than <<Charge>>, which also gives it away. This attack will kill us instantly if it hits.” He finished grimly.

“Standard charging bull strategy then? Make it slam into a wall and then hack away at it?” Justin suggested. The charger style enemy was far from a new development, and strategies to deal with them had long since been developed.

Henry shrugged, “That would be the best method, but you jumping the gun and buying that Studded Leather Set makes you slow enough you might not be able to dodge if it targets you.”

“Eh, worst comes to worst I'll just try and block it instead.” Justin declared a bit flippantly before they forced open the heavy doors to the boss.

The proceeding fight was a slow one. The dungeon boss was indeed the Monstrous Boar, a creature  standing roughly twice the three adventurer's height, and about as long as a large pick-up truck. An apt analogy, because even it's basic <<Charge>> attacks hit like a truck, which Henry was thankfully swift enough to hurl himself out of the way of.

The thick plated armor covering the beast kept all but Justin's Greatsword from doing damage, and even wielded in a two handed grip to increase the force of the swings it bounced with a significant damage reduction, barely causing one of it's two health bars to drop at all.

The incident they were waiting for finally happened a few minutes later, the Boar's ultimate attack algorithm finally being triggered by some event that took place in the fight, likely a specific number of failed regular Charges.

The Monstrous Boar snorted twice, giving his tell for his most powerful attack.

“Get back!” Justin yelled, using both hands to hold his shield and activating the <<Howl>> ability, giving a loud cry and glowing with a white aura that attracted the gaze of the Boar. “Tear it apart when it's down!”

The Monstrous Boar charged, it's thunderous steps causing the very ground to shake as it charged it's target full force.

In a moment of realization, Justin mused in a strangely calm manner, 'Oh God this could actually kill me... Like, just dead. One hit and I'm fucked forever.'

'Welp, if I do die I better say something badass as my battle cry.' He decided.

“FOR PONY!” He screamed as spiralling white energy swirled around his shield, which he promptly slamming right into the side of the massive Boar's face in a perfectly timed <<Parry>>, snapping one of it's tusks right off and sending it sliding across the ground, dazed and completely open.

His stats were not specced for that kind of blow though - not yet at least - and Justin was hurled backward, hard enough to actually take a good chunk of damage through his armor as he slammed into the wall.

Jordan and Henry shared an incredulous look at their companion's choice of battle cry before rushing forward to finish the monster after seeing that Justin had survived – indicated by lack of exploding into data and piteous groans. In it's vulnerable position the Dungeon Boss could do nothing as Henry delivered quick and countless slashes and Jordan hacked away at it with his axe, grinning savagely as he did.

With a final swing of Jordan's axe, damage amplified by a basic <<Horizontal>>, the creature burst into an immeasurable number of data shards. A large "Congratulations!" screen popped up, telling them they had beaten not only the boss, but the entire dungeon.

-O-

Justin regained his senses to see Henry and Jordan standing over him, both with a raised eyebrow. Justin quickly remembered what he shouted before.

"Shut it." He grumbled before observing an open chest behind his two companions. "So, what'd we get for all that effort?"

At those words, a shit-eating grin spread across Henry's face before he opened up his inventory screen and pulled up a rather large gem.

"It looks expensive, right?" Henry began, the gleam in his eye would make nun's fear for their chastity. "How much would you say we could get for it?"

Justin took the gem from his teammate cautiously, seriously fearing he was going to lose a hand as he did so, before activating his Appraisal skill. Eyes glinting with an inner light, he read a suddenly appearing screen only visible to him that listed what few basic facts he could discover about the gem with his current skill level. That done, he handed the stone back with a smile.

"It's worth enough to get us out of this shitty starter gear and into some basic armor, along with a better weapon for you to replace that butter knife." He commented happily.

"Right then!" Jordan interjected, "Let's get the ore wae' came fur' then head back to town! Soon as we get all oor' stuff straight a wantae try n find aner' dungeon!"

"That would probably be best." Justin groaned as he got up from his sitting position. "I really don't want to be here to see if the boss is gonna respawn when another group who comes through. Doubt I could time a <<Parry>> that perfectly twice in a row with the amount of practice I have..."

"Yeah," Henry chuckled. "Lord forbid you having to use your 'epic war-cry' twice in one day, it might lose all meaning."

Justin just shrugged unrepentantly, “I know, real shame too, cuz it's the best there is.” He ignored the blank looks and wandered over to the stalagmites near the back of the room, behind the chest.

“Sneaky of them to hide the ore in these. Most would just ignore them as an aesthetic feature.” He commented as he opened his Inventory, only to pause and groan, smacking his forehead with his armored palm.

“What?” Henry wondered, already investigating the room for hidden secrets by sliding his dagger against the walls in lieu of using the X-Ray Vision skill, which he didn't possess yet. If he hit an illusionary wall it would disappear instantly, so there was no need for something more elegant or precise.

“Forgot to bring a pickaxe.” Justin announced as stored his weapon of choice and redrew his Beginner Longsword. “Welp, good thing I hate this piece of shit.” He muttered before he charged a <<Bash>> attack and slammed the weapon against the vaguely triangular stone shapes.

With a loud crash the stalagmite exploded into shards, and an item was instantly added to his inventory. It wasn't pretty, and the Longsword's durability plummeted, but it held out long enough for the group's tank to harvest the materials he needed. It shattered on the second to last one, and with a heavy sigh Justin broke the last one with his Greatsword. By virtue of being a huge ass blade it wasn't as damaged by the rough use, but it still caused him to twitch as the pristine blade took battle damage and developed some dings and scratches.

Jordan leaned against one of the walls, idly looking over his hand-axe as both Justin and Logan went about smashing the stalgmite's apart to get the materials from inside, “This hings way to fuckin' light, a need somehin' way much mare' weight behun' it.” He grunted in annoyance, “Slice, be a good minion n' make mae an axe wae' a giant fuck-off blade.”

Justin grunted back at him as he loaded the ore he 'mined' into his inventory, “Sure, sure.” He waved Jordan's comments off, “Don't worry my sociopathic little friend, I'll make sure to create a nice 'Big Axe o' Murder' for you so you can kill and pillage to your crazy Scottish heart's content.” He replied.

Jordan grinned at the reply, nodding his head but paused a few seconds later as something about what Justin said registered in his mind, “Small?” He growled, “Wis that a fuckin' crack at ma height ya twat? Cuz' if it wis' A'l shove ma' fit' so far up yer arse yur toungue'l have grit.”

Henry chuckled as he finished loading up his own set of ore into his inventory and began to walk towards the exit of the dungeon, “Truly the height does not match the beast.” He joked, then had to make use of the <Sprint> ability to dodge the thrown glowing red axe that nearly cleaved his head from his shoulders.