Stranger than Erotica

I've been kicking around a comedic / erotic riff on the movie Stranger than Fiction for awhile but inspiration struck me about how it might playout. (Side note: If you haven't seen it, it's really very good and the core premise of the story will make more sense... if you haven't... well... the core premise is that the main character can suddenly hear the narrator... no spoilers since that gets revealed in the first two paragraphs). Anyways, this isn't exactly "hard-core" but it's light, funny, flirty and titillating and I hope it at least brings a smile to your collective faces ;)

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Harvey began every day the way he normally did. He woke up and stroked his cock for fifteen minutes while watching lesbian pornography. Then he got dressed, checking that his watch was set to the precise time as his phone and the satellite clock over the stove. He put on his track suit and trainers and rode his bike the seven minutes to his job at the university...

Harvey paused. “Is someone narrating my life?” he asked.

He stood in front of the door to the gym, his hand mere inches away as he considered…

“Hello?” he asked the voice.

But there was no response.

“Yes… yes… THAT was a response,” he said, spinning around. But the only people nearby, two attractive coeds, simply stared at the man as he twirled around like a crazy person. “I’m not crazy,” he muttered under his breath, “I hear you.”

Again, there was no response.

Harvey ground his teeth in frustration as he made his way to his desk. As one of the few men qualified to coach at the small university, he was responsible for the swim team, the lacrosse team and the volleyball team. It made his life a living hell, constantly surrounded by beautiful women that he could look at...

“Have to look at… it’s my job,” he muttered.

… has to look at for his job.

“Thank you,” he said to the empty room.

And yet he’s not allowed to touch them. University policy. Even for non-NCAA, club teams like the three he coached. It was a fireable offense to get involved with a student and yet the job kept him so busy that he was never able to meet any other women. Hence the morning wank. It should come as no surprise that his deprived, depraved, deviant mind often watched lesbian shower scenes.

“Hey,” he protested to nobody in particular. “It’s you… I’m protesting you!” he shouted into the aether, his voice’s echo was the only reply. He frowned.

It was at that moment that his eyes fell upon a red letter on his desk. It was the University’s way of highlighting important policy changes. Sighing, he ran his finger through the opening of the envelope, finding the tearing strangely satisfying as he opened the paper, narrowly avoiding a wicked paper cut. He pulled the slip of paper out, some update to page 35, subsection 12, paragraph 17. The paper was three hole punched and he was required to pull the old page from his manual and replace it with the new one. God only knows why, in 2020, his university didn’t have an online manual.

Little did he know that this page’s policies would change his life forever.

“What?” he said in confusion. “What do you mean ‘change my life forever’?” he twirled in his chair, attempting to find a divine answer but cursing his lack of religiosity that gave him no God to believe in. “No… I believe… I believe in you… what’s so important about this policy?”

He looked down, reading carefully through the text. Something about sexual harassment. Something about workplace relationships. Something about non-NCAA club teams…

“Wait… is that it?” he said.

He read through the change, “Only NCAA competitive teams will be subject to the rules regarding inappropriate relationships with students. If a coach coaches only club teams and is not a member of the teaching faculty, no such disproportionate power dynamic shall be deemed to exist and a relationship, while discouraged, is not subject to university action.”

“I can bang students?” he said.

He could date students.

“I mean… I said bang… but whatever,” he said. He gave it the briefest of thoughts and then decided what he wanted to do. Hillary. That’s what he wanted to do. Hillary. “Hillary? Are you sure?”

Yes. Definitely Hillary. She was a sure thing he decided. She’d been flirting and teasing him for months and it had given him numerous cases of blue balls that had required multiple impromptu wanks in his office. “Hey!” he said for no apparent reason. “Yes… yes there’s a reason. Stop judging me. Besides, Hillary is a cocktease. She’s just been messing with me.”

Despite his misgivings about Hillary’s true intent, Harvey’s admirably restrained libido could not be denied. He’d denied himself the pleasure of feminine flesh for far too long. Now it was time for him to experience it once again. He picked up his phone and dialed Hillary…

“Right now?” he asked, watching his fingers press the buttons as if controlled by someone else. “Oh for the love of God…”

The phone rang twice before a woman’s voice came on the line, “Hey Coach!” she said. Hillary’s voice was peppy and youthful and just hearing the buxom blonde girl’s sultry, energetic tone gave Harvey a powerful erection.

“Uhh… yeah… hey, Hillary. Can you come in about an hour early today?” he asked.

“Why do we have to come in early, coach?” she asked, slightly annoyed and slightly confused.

“Not the team. Just you. We need to talk,” Harvey said, trying to maintain control of the conversation.

“Ohhhh… just you and me coach. What do you want little ol’ me to wear? I’ve got this new bikini. It’s really tiny… probably not an appropriate race bikini,” she teased. Normally, Harvey would have sighed and told her that her normal swimsuit would be fine, but emboldened by the University’s new, looser policy, Harvey responded differently.

“Uhmm… that’s fine,” he said.

“Wait… really coach?” she said, suddenly confused. All the game playing she’d always done hadn’t prepared her for that. The coach was fun to flirt with but she never expected it to go anywhere.

“See… I told you she…,” the coach said then realized that Hillary could hear him.

“What’s that coach? You talking to someone else?”

“Uhmm… no… just be here in 45 minutes, Hillary. Thank you,” he said and hung up before he said anything else awkward. The next 45 minutes sped by so fast that Harvey didn’t even notice. “Wow… really? That was fast,” he said just as Hillary walked into the office.

“Hey coach,” she said, wearing a bright smile and a scandalously small bikini.

“Hi,” he said, at a loss for words. He’d never been good with girls. Always one of those losers who couldn’t close the deal even with a girl he was paying for. “Hey… that was one time,” he muttered under his breath.

Hillary raised an eyebrow, “One time what, coach?”

“Uhh… nothing… Hillary, I just wanted to talk to you about your… uhmm… behavior… towards me.”

“What coach? That I flirt with you and show off skin and show up at your office when you beg me to come alone wearing a teeny tiny bikini?”

“I didn’t beg…” he said but was suddenly distracted by the way Hillary’s fingers were tracing the edge of the bikini as her nails made a faint red line on the sides of her large, perky breasts. His mouth went as dry as his cock was hard. For all his many faults and inadequacies, at least Harvey was well endowed. “Thank you,” he said.

“You’re welcome, coach. It’s been a ton of fun learning… under you,” the nubile temptress said. “Is there anything else you’d like to… train me to do?” Hillary had no intention of fucking the coach…

Harvey frowned.

… but a quick blowjob wasn’t out of the question.

Harvey’s face lit up, “A blowjob?” he asked without thinking.

She smiled and said, “Why Coach Harvey? Is that an appropriate request from one of your athletes?”

“Uhh… well… the policy changed…” he stammered. Yes, he was a loser who couldn’t close a deal, “Hey… wait a minute… Consider this breath training Hillary. If you can deep throat me it will help you with your breath control… yeah… that’s it… breath control.”

Hillary looked at him, his lame excuse being so thinly implausible that it made the lips of her mouth curl. Harvey could tell she was thinking that his cock wouldn’t be big enough to give her any trouble. Maybe he should just show her.

Harvey reached for his waistband and yanked his shorts down. Only when they hit the ground did it occur to him that this was probably criminal sexual harassment.

“Wait… what?” he asked.

“I’ll say, coach. WHAT? Is the right question,” Hillary said as she stared at the hard slab of meat in front of her. “If I’d known that’s what you were packing I’d have done this awhile ago,” she said as she dropped to her knees.

“Oh thank god,” the coach said as the petite coed’s breath caused his cock to twitch. Slowly she lowered her mouth to his cock and just as the lips touched it, another student approached the door. “What?” he muttered dreamily, enjoying the teasing touch as there was a soft knock. “Noooo,” he screamed.

“Sorry,” came a quiet voice from behind the frosted glass. Hillary stood up and Harvey tucked his raging hard-on into his pants.

“No… no… come in,” he said. The door opened revealing Sophie, one of the trainers for the football team. She looked at Hillary’s outfit and then at Harvey who was flushed embarrassingly red. “Hillary was just leaving,” Harvey said, not realizing that he’d just closed the door on his first ever menage a trois. “I did? How?” he stammered.

The two girls looked at him and shrugged. Hillary said, “Thanks for the pointers on breath control, Coach. Maybe we can discuss more some other time.” Hillary walked out of the room while Sophie and Harvey both stared at her tight, athletic ass in the tiny thong bikini. When they realized they were both caught staring, they flushed red in embarrassment.

“I guess that explains the threeway,” the coach muttered.

“What?” Sophie asked, red rushing to her cheeks even more.

“Oh… nothing… there was a threeway… uhmm… tie for breaststroke and I was… surprised… because… uhmm… Hillary is normally our best… breaststroker… but you know… with that bikini… she’d… uhmm… definitely be slower… than normal,” he said. It was a terrible lie that he was certain she wouldn’t believe. “Shit…” he muttered.

But surprisingly, she seemed to accept it and just sat down in the chair with a shrug.

“Seriously?”

She looked at him, “Is it not okay if I sit?”

“Oh… yeah… of course. Sit… sit,” he said. “What can I do for you Sophie?”

“Well coach. I was hoping you could maybe do me a favor?”

“Of course, Sophie. Do you need a letter of recommendation or something?”

“No… It’s just. I was… I’m hoping to become a licensed masseuse and I really need someone to practice on.”

Harvey was surprised but also instantly aroused. The image of this young lady rubbing her hands all over his oiled skin, touching him in intimate ways as she stroked and stroked… it made his already raging cock twitch in his pants a little as he thought about it. “I actually HADN’T thought of that,” he said.

“Oh yeah… you have to find someone to practice on. And someone that gives honest feedback. So I’ll only do it if you’re completely, 100% honest with me. Okay?” she said.

Harvey looked at the girl, trying unsuccessfully to suppress the erotic images. She was short, petite and busty. Just like he liked. Her long brown hair was back in a pony tail and her hourglass figure was on full display in her little khaki shorts and cutoff t-shirt that hugged her breasts tightly. “Uhmm… I think I can be honest… sure.”

“Great. Can we start now? There’s nobody in the therapy room. I just checked.”

“Oh… sure,” he said, checking his watch. There was still 43 minutes before swim practice. He walked to the therapy room lost in thought as Sophie talked beside him, Harvey’s mind was focused exclusively on the absurd possibility that he might soon be getting a massage with a happy ending. “Really?” he said.

“Oh yeah,” she said. “I’ve always been interested in massage.”

“That’s not… oh nevermind… go on,” he said.

He opened the door for her to the massage room, unable to avoid admiring her large bubble but as she walked in. “So how long have you been working on it?”

“Not long. So I probably won’t be very good. But I need to learn how to get better, you know?”

“Sure,” he said.

“Get ready and lay down on the table, coach,” she said as she went over to the cabinets. Harvey, so distracted by his arousal, climbed onto the table without even considering that he should take his shirt off. Suddenly, he started to take his shirt off just as Sophie turned around and said, “What are you doing?”

“Uhhh… taking my shirt off?”

She smiled at him. “You need to take everything off. Use a towel to… uhmm… hide yourself. Don’t you know how this works?”

Harvey did indeed, but for some reason he was very distracted today. “Gee, I wonder why,” he said quietly to himself. No doubt it was the possibility of banging half of the student body that had his mind all akimbo. “No… it’s you… it’s you,” he hissed.

Sophie turned to him again, “Did you say something, coach?” she asked.

Harvey simply shook his head and laid on the table, fuming over his aroused predicament. He muttered something under his breath but it was unintelligible and stupid.

“Stupid is it?” he said.

“Oh, it’s not stupid coach,” Sophie replied as she poured some oil onto his back. “Lots of people don’t get massages regularly. I’m just surprised given how long you’ve been coaching.

“It hasn’t been that long. I’m not really that old, you know.”

Sophie looked him up and down. If Harvey had seen the appraising lust in her eyes, he would have greatly lamented the missed threeway with Sophie and Hillary.

“Seriously?” he said.

“Is that not enough oil?” Sophie asked, applying a little bit more. His back was now completely slick and her hands started kneading his muscles. She was surprisingly good for someone so new and Harvey quickly spaced out as she worked his shoulders and back. When her hands started working his lower back and then his upper thighs, however, he was instantly awake. And hard again. His long neglected penis was sure having a frustrating day. “Tell me about it,” he said.

“Well… sure… I guess… We work the upper thighs from the inside out, working to keep the muscles loose.” Sophie’s hands were increasingly close to his balls. Her petite, well oiled hands… oh so close to his rigid shaft.

“Stop,” he screamed.

“What? Did that hurt?” Sophie said, jumping back and holding her hands up, “I’m so sorry, Coach. Did I pinch you?”

“Uhhmm… only a little,” he said as he started to lay back down.

“Thanks but you don’t have to hold back. You promised 100% honesty, remember?” she said, looking at him. “It’s just as well, it’s time to do your front,” she gestured with her hand for him to rollover.

Harvey started to roll over despite his massive, unhideable hardon. Suddenly, as if something occurred to him, he stopped. “Maybe you should keep doing my back?” he said.

“Why? Did I not do a good enough job on your back?” she said.

Harvey started to lie but remembered his promise to be truthful. Instead, he tried to adjust himself so that his large, hard, lonely cock would at least lay flat. Unfortunately, the coach’s incompetence extended to even this minor act and he simply managed to wrap the towel prominently around his cock, highlighting it’s twitching, gargantuan shape. “Of for fuck’s sake,” he said.

Sophie’s eyes were fixated on the bulging outline of the biggest cock she’d ever seen. “Coach… uhmm… what’s that?” Harvey couldn’t know it, but the young woman had this exact fantasy and was suddenly very, very wet and very, very ready.

“Seriously?” he asked.

“Is it what I think it is?” she asked. “Is it because of me?”

“What… no?” Harvey protested.

Sophie frowned, “Coach… you promised to be 100% honest. Are you telling me that has nothing to do with me?” Sophie pouted. Her lower lip sticking out and making Harvey picture those plump lips wrapped tightly around his hard, thick shaft. God he needed some action. He really was a pathetic loser.

“What? No!” he protested again.

This time Sophie looked pissed off, “Coach… I think you’re lying to me. I think,” she said, licking her lips hungrily, “I think you are hoping that this turns into one of THOSE massages… you know… with happy endings.”

Harvey couldn’t respond. His mind was too occupied imagining the young girl’s oiled hand stroking him harder and harder, faster and faster until he spurt all over her face and tits. If only he realized that maybe there was a way to achieve that goal. “Maybe?”

She nodded and a smile grew across her lips, “If you can be 100% honest with me, coach. Then maybe,” she said, stroking her fingers across his chest, “just maybe we can work something out.”

“Oo… okay,” he said. She traced the outline of his cock with her nails, pulling the towel lower and lower as she did so until it popped into view.

“Holy fuck,” she exclaimed. The thick, veiny cock twitched obscenely and her pussy clenched tightly at the thought of it plundering her tight, tiny, virgin hole.

“Virgin?” the coach said.

Sophie blushed, “Is it that obvious… Yeah… I gave a guy a handjob once… he… uhmm… wasn’t as big as you, however,” she said, then straightened up and tried to act professional, “Do you cum a lot… like… volume wise?”

“Yeah,” he said and gasped as her fingers rewarded him with a light stroke along his shaft.

“What were you doing in your office with Hillary?” she asked, gripping the shaft firmly.

Harvey gasped, trying to formulate a lie, “We were uhmm…,” he said. Harvey was a terrible liar. He thought he was good at it. But he was just the worst. That’s why he always lost so much money at poker. “Really?”

“Uhhuh,” she said… tell me.

Harvey took a breath and inexplicably decided to tell the truth, “What? Because you told me to,” he said in frustration.

“That’s right, coach. I told you to tell me the truth… what were you doing with that hottie Hillary in her slutty little bikini?”

“She was… oh God that’s good… she was going to give me a blowjob,” he gasped. Sophie’s oiled hand stroked up and down his shaft three times and he could feel himself getting close to exploding.

“Ohhh… did I interrupt that slut sucking on this big, thick cock?”

The lustful images running through his head made it hard for Harvey to think straight. Images of Hillary’s mouth inches from his cock, hungry and ready. Images of Sophie’s hands stroking his shaft. And the even more perverse images of Sophie as he tried to imagine what her secret fantasy might be. Sadly, he wasn’t even close to the depths of depravity that Sophie wanted.

“Ughhhh,” he said in arousal, “She hadn’t started… uhhh… when you knocked.”

“Oh, poor coach. And you’ve been so nice to help me. Maybe I should give you that happy ending?”

“Please,” he said. Just then, three things happened in quick succession.

First, the coach’s alarm went off for the start of practice.

Second, the voices entered the hallway and caused Sophie to pull her hand away.

Third, Harvey realized what was happening and he groaned out a soft, frustrated, “Noooo… please.”

Fourth, his cock started spurting in a pitiful, oozing stream of a ruined orgasm.

“That was four things,” he muttered to himself as he twitched on the table and tried to cover himself up in case one of the girls came in. What a strange day.