Dullahan Boyfriends: Ichabod & Iscariot 2 (rough draft)

Once the carnival started back in March, there still had not been a queen selected for Ichabod and Iscariot’s parade. I had been helping where I could, and organizing my band to play, but they were struggling still to pick just the right one.

Because I had been working with them regularly, I had started becoming close to them. It was not something I was used to doing, and I often grew anxious I was doing it wrong. I wanted to be their friend, but a fear inside me held me back from wanting more than that, even though I did. I wanted them, and when that thought came up, it made me spiral into guilt. It didn’t seem fair, it didn’t seem right to want more than what I already had before. It was enough to be friends, I could be happy with only that.

Working together, we had found a way to combine my graveyard with their tours. During the start of the tours, I would be sitting in the front seat of the wagon. I would be mostly covered and start playing the violin as Ichabod or Iscariot talked. Once we reached the graveyard I would start playing more fervently, which would make the skeletons come out of their graves and advance towards the wagon. Once people were panicked enough, I would reveal myself and my skeletons would take Ichabod or Iscariot’s head. Being Dullahans, they could live without them. It would then evolve into a routine of dancing and music as their head was kept away from them, until the last moment I tossed their head back and they would run away wild with the wagon. All in good fun to scare our guests.

During a practice run just before opening day, I was sitting in Ichabod’s wagon, practicing. Ichabod was getting hitched up by Iscariot, who would then join the wagon ride to watch. 

“You have a look,” Iscariot then says.

“What look?” Ichabod scoffs. 

“This one. You’re nervous.”

I tilt my head up to listen to them as Ichabod scoffs.

Ichabod stomps his hooves. “This is nothing new. Nothing so out of the ordinary. I think you’re wanting to see things that aren’t there.”

Iscariot sighs. “She is new.”

“Who? Me?” I set my violin down. “I’m just playing my violin like always.”

“I am not-” Ichabod huffs in frustration. “Okay, maybe so. But wait until it’s your turn. You’ll be nervous too knowing she’s there.”

I’m curious as to why suddenly Ichabod, a man with so much charisma and confidence, is suddenly anxious about performing around me. He’s done it many times before, heck, I thought he’d been dying to. “Seriously, why are you nervous? You’ve done your tours in front of me all the time.”

“But never with! It’s the ‘with you’ that’s getting to me,” he grumbles. “I don’t want to mess you up.”

“Mess me up?” I find myself chuckling. “You shouldn’t be worried about me.”

“For a long time it’s just been the two of us,” Iscariot replies. “We’re used to one another, we know what to do. But working with someone else, especially someone we admire greatly, it can rattle anyone’s nerves.”

They have a way of stunning me into silence, but in a way that is sweet. They say the kindest words, and I never know how to properly thank them for them.

“That is why we are practicing, isn’t it?” I ask. “So we’ll know all these things and see how they work?” I fidget with my violin. “I am not someone who is worth getting anxious over.”

“I even get nervous working with Iscariot,” Ichabod answers softly. “I want to impress the people I love. You know?”

“Ichabod,” Iscariot says sternly.

“What? I just- oh.” Ichabod gasps when he realizes what he has said.

I’m not sure how to take it, the word doesn’t even feel real. It hangs there like in the air, slowly sucking the light from all around us. I clutch my violin close to my body as if it will protect me, deflecting whatever comes my way. I chuckle out of nerves and I can feel that my smile is an awkward one.

“Don’t tease like that,” I whimper. “It’s not funny.”

“It’s not a joke,” Iscariot’s low voice sounds even more intense. “Nor is it something to be blurted out.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Ichabod sounds weak and deflated. “But we both feel that way.”

The ash and dust cling to the back of my throat, making it feel heavy and tight. I keep my mouth closed, all the while my mind spins. It isn’t right I should be loved by them, not when it’s my fault that Benvolio and Nora aren’t here.

“Nessa, can we talk?” Iscariot asks.

I take a weak breath and snivel. “What about the practice?”

“It can wait.” Iscariot takes my hand into his. “I can tell you need a moment anyways. Let’s go somewhere quiet.”

The new haunted museum in the mausoleum is empty for the time being. The ghosts and living armor that live here are idle and enjoying the peace as Iscariot and Ichabod bring me inside. They find me a seat, I keep hold of my violin, feeling like it could protect me. 

“You don’t have to say anything.” Ichabod speaks. “I blurted it out, I’m sorry. It’s something that has been building, but something we should have brought up sooner.”

Iscariot sighs. “We didn’t want to frighten you.”

“It’s not you who frightens me,” I whimper. “It’s myself.”

“What’s there to be scared of?” Ichabod kneels down beside me. “If you feel like sharing, that is.”

“You know fire like I do,” I whisper. “You know how it hurts and what it can take away. But it’s my fault-” I start to tremble. “The fire I know is my fault.”

“That-that can’t be true,” Ichabod is dumfounded. “Nessa, the accident wasn’t your fault.”

I tense up. “How would you know?”

“Because that’s how accidents work,” he tries to argue. “You can’t blame yourself for that, of all things.”

I hang my head down. “You don’t know what happened.”

Iscariot’s hand rests at the top of my head. “We know you can’t hang on to the blame forever. Is that what your family would want?”

“I don’t-” I clutch tighter onto my violin and tremble. Iscariot then eases my arms loose and sets my violin aside.

“You don’t want to hurt it. You need it tonight.” Iscariot says gently.

I whimper and nod my head, slowly untensing my shoulders. “Thank you, but-” I start to hiccup. “I am not someone you should love. I’m not worthy of it.”

“Hey now,” Ichabod says softly, “don’t say that. Everyone is worthy.”

“I couldn’t save the people I loved most, imagine what would happen to you?” I hold my hands over my face. “What good am I if I can’t do that? That should be the most important thing a person does! They gave me life, they gave me meaning, and I let theirs get away-”

Iscariot grips my shoulders tightly. “You need to stop.”

I keep my hands sealed against my face.

“It wasn’t you who did that. It wasn’t!” Iscariot’s voice has always been sort of monotone, but now it has a lilting, painful pitch to it. “What happened to them was an accident. And you would never hurt them, ever.”

I began to let them in that day. I was cautious and went slow, but as the year went on, I grew closer to Iscariot and Ichabod than I had with anyone else. They were patient and gentle with me, always there when I needed someone, and understanding enough to know when to step aside. 

I had never loved someone besides Benvolio, and that love had been all consuming for me. The love I was beginning to feel for Iscariot and Ichabod was different, it was quieter, but I felt it at all times just the same. It was something peaceful I could rest on, something that took care of me. 

I was still afraid, so it took me time to even accept this. I didn’t want to hurt them, but I wanted to be with them all the same. I knew if I reached out, they would happily take my hand and help me away from the ash and dust I knew before. But I wasn’t ready to leave it yet.

One evening, after the carnival had ended and the world was quiet again, I stayed with Iscariot and Ichabod in the stable. They were putting away the wagons and refreshing the hay for the next day. I was playing a gentle song on my violin. The night had gone well and our performance was one of our bests. I was feeling good, better than I had in a long time. 

“It’s getting late,” Iscariot then chimes. “We should get you home.” he helps me up from my seat and his hand lingers on me. I do not recoil from it, instead I lean myself into it. I lift my chin and then his lips are upon mine. Ichabod’s fingers brush against my hair and I meet his lips as well. It was not something I did with thought or planning, but merely a desire out of my own body. They smelled like spices from the cider and sweet from the hay, along with their own masculine scents.

I kiss Iscariot again, whose kisses are hard and warm. Ichabod’s lips are soft as they touch against my temple and cheek. I press my palms to Iscariot’s chest but I do not push myself away. I want this, I want them both. It has been so long since I felt this need to be touched and held. When Benvolio would hold me, it would be slow and serene. Our breaths would sync and our bodies would know every inch of one another. He was tender and grateful, whispering my name over and over in my ear. I may be a doll, but I am living as well. I have desires and wants like any woman.

Iscariot pants, pressing his forehead to mine I can feel his long hair touching against my face and then Ichabod steals more kisses from me. I wish I could see them, their faces, their desire. I want to see their skin and watch as they tremble when I kiss them.

“We should stop,” Iscariot then whispers. I am filled with fear, but not the usual terror I hold on to.

“Why?” I whimper.

Ichabod grumbles anxiously. “Someone is watching us.”

“I was just looking for my daughter, that is all. I didn’t mean to interrupt anything.” Bram comes into the stable. “Although, I do not appreciate the manhandling you boys are giving her.” 

“It’s okay,” I say quickly. “I was-” I then stop myself and hang my head. “They weren’t doing anything untoward.”

“I was only wondering where you were. You’re usually home and I got worried. Now that I know you’re in...relatively safe hands, I’ll go home and tell Coraline that you’re...somewhere.”

I feel so embarrassed when he leaves but Ichabod begins to chuckle. “Of course we get caught!” He snickers. “Of course!”

“Perhaps it’s for the best, we were getting awfully greedy,” Iscariot sounds gentle and shy. “We need to tread gently, remember.”

“I didn’t mind,” I say softly. “I felt better when-” I hold my tongue, a little embarrassed for what I have to say. They both then kiss my cheeks at the same time, one on each side.

“If you ever want more, just ask us,” Iscariot whispers.

Ichabod gently nuzzles to my hair. “We’re more than happy to oblige.”

I still feel guilt, and it is hard to get over, but I so desire them and I cannot hide that from myself anymore. I long to be touched and held, I yearn to feel their desire for me as well. It is a selfish thought, one that makes me panic when I linger too long on it. All I can do is feel it and be excited that I can still have it.

It is hard for me to ask for what I want, but Ichabod and Iscariot are as loving and willing as always. They can tell by a touch when there is something I want, and they will give it if they are able. I take pleasure in their kisses, sometimes a little too much. As a doll, my body is much different. I am more aroused by touch than anything, and it is what often brings me to that point of elation. I have to step back sometimes when their hands are upon me. 

I know Iscariot and Ichabod are also partners, and when I hear them kiss, it makes me happy. I wish I could see the way they looked at one another, the way they kiss each other. Even more so lately, I was having the urge to see them unclothed and naked. I wanted to see their bodies, their shape, and I wanted to feel them pressed against me.

I used to take so much pleasure in those intimate moments with Benvolio. His naked body and mine laid together as we kissed. I would taste his skin and let him release upon my tongue. It makes me nervous to think about doing it with anyone else. It made me scared to think about holding anyone so close again.

Halloween was fast approaching, and the parade was taking shape. I had helped bring it to life, and it was amazing seeing everything come together. Yet still, we had not found our Persephone who would bring the parade to a close.

One day, Ichabod came in and announced he had found someone.

“Oh,” I felt a pain in my heart at that thought. “That’s wonderful!”

“You don’t sound like it is,” Iscariot says knowingly. 

I shake my head. “If you found someone you want for it, then we should run with it. You’ve been searching for a year.”

Iscariot kisses my cheek. “We’ve also been waiting for you.”

“I couldn’t,” I shake my head. “Not after the way I acted when you asked me.”

Ichabod kisses my forehead. “The role of Persephone was always meant for you.”

I tilt my chin up, kissing them both. I finally accepted the role and I was fitted in the costume. The gown was covered in flowers and gems to symbolize the pomegranate. I was told at the start the dress would be vibrant and colorful, but then the flowers would turn to gold and silver, eventually becoming like diamonds while the gown went pure white as Persephone was embraced my Hades.

“You look so beautiful,” Iscariot says as he unzips the dress. His fingers then trail down my spine where there are roses carved into me. Benvolio had done them when he made me, his signature and my namesake. Iscariot kisses a rose and I shiver.

“Your Benvolio made you so beautifully. I can’t wait to thank him one day for the gift he gave the world.” Iscariot helps me step out of the dress.

“I miss him.” I cross my arms against my bare chest. “Him and Nora are still so dear to me.”

“We don’t ever expect to take their place in your heart,” Ichabod says. “But we would like to share your heart with them.”

I take Ichabod’s hand, letting both of them see me bare. My body is long and thin, something I have always felt inadequate about. I never felt feminine enough, only when I laid naked with Benvolio did I feel my body was worthy. Now, with my burns, I wasn’t sure if I was even beautiful.

“You look so tiny,” Ichabod coos. His fingers brush down my side. “So frail.”

“She’s strong though.” Iscariot says decidedly. “You can tell.”

“Am I...am I beautiful though?” My voice trembles.

Ichabod huffs. “What sort of question is that? You’re gorgeous!”

I lift my chin up as I feel a heavy weight upon me. “I’m not what I once was, you know.”

“You are as you are, and that is enough.” Iscariot’s hand slips around my waist. “Have you ever heard of kintsugi?” 

I shake my head. 

Iscariot kisses my shoulder. “It is a Japanese art of mending things that are broken, using gold to make them more beautiful than they were before. You remind me of that. You are broken, but you are stronger and more beautiful than before.”

I whimper softly as I feel their hands move over me. They come in close, kissing and touching every inch of me. Their strong hands make me weak all over and I begin to tremble. I press into their palms, wanting to feel more as the ache becomes a dull thudding. It grows and grows, spreading through my body and flowing like thick, warm honey. I kiss them deeply, my legs shaking as Ichabod lifts me off the ground. I curl into his arms, sobbing as the warm honey continues to flow.

“You’re safe, I’ve got you,” Ichabod whispers.

“Take me to bed,” I whisper. “I’m okay, it’s just so much. I forgot how much it all was.”

I sleep with them that night, feeling their skin against mine, hearing their moans and sighs as they lay together. Come morning, I feel as though I am in another world and I cry all over again. For the first time in so long, Nora and Benvolio have not been in my dreams, and it terrifies me.

Once October starts, the world begins to go so fast. I work in both Scarebrooke and the Parade, playing Persephone each and every night. Mr. Faire and Bram take turns playing Hades, and we share a dance as I go into the underworld. Iscariot and Ichabod play my knights and guards, and before I go into the underworld, I kiss them with gratitude for taking care of me. 

Halloween night, though, the parade is much grander as it is set to go through Hearthway Hollow. Most of the carnival is participating, and I am so nervous.

“We have something special for you tonight,” Iscariot tells me as he helps me get ready. “A present to thank you for everything.”

“You didn’t need to do that,” I chuckle. “I’m grateful for everything you’ve shown me this year. I should be thanking you.”

“We’ve been pretty happy with what you have been giving us.” Ichabod kisses my temple.

Ichabod,” Iscariot says sternly. “Her makeup!”

“Sorry,” He huffs. “But yes, tonight, we plan to give you something special. We’ve been planning it for awhile.”

“Oh,” I gasp, suddenly very nervous. 

“It’s good, don’t worry.” Iscariot kisses my palm. “Once the parade is over, we’ll give it to you.”

That evening, when the parade ends and I have my dance with Mr. Faire as Hades, the children at the dance studio in Hearthway Hollow perform around us. They are dressed like souls and fairies, who are welcoming me back home. 

Iscariot and Ichabod then take me into the woods once the parade is over. It’s dark and cold out, and I can smell earth all around me.

“Sit here and wait,” Iscariot whispers.

“Where are you going?” I gasp.

“We’ll be right back,” Ichabod reassures me. “Don’t worry. You won’t be alone long.” They both give me a kiss and I listen to them walk away.

I sit there, breathing in the cold night air. Crickets chirp and sing, in the distance, I hear an owl calling out. I then feel something warm touch my hand. It’s small and soft, it is also so familiar.

“Mama.”

I instantly start to cry. How can this be possible? I grab her small hand and find it real. 

“Always so quick to cry,” Benvolio says jovially. “It’s good to see you’re still the same, my love.”

I lift my head as he kisses my forehead. “How is this possible? How are you here?”

“It is your gift,” Benvolio says as he sits beside me.

Nora climbs into my lap and I hug her so tight. She feels the same, smells the same. I only wish I could see her. “The horsies brought us here.”

I sob into her hair, so happy to hold her again. “I can’t believe it! In my wildest dreams I never would have hoped.”

“Mama,” Nora says gently. “Why won’t you open your eyes?”

I sniffle and whimper. “When I lost you, I never wanted to look at the world again, because I knew I would never see anything as beautiful and perfect.” I cup her cheek in my hand.

“Open them,” Nora says softly.

“Nora, they’re empty.” I open my eyes to show her, but when I do, I see her darling face. All her freckles, her button nose, her long red hair. I stare in awe and bewilderment. I then look to Benvolio who smiles at me.

“How is this possible?” I sob.

“I made them for you,” Nora says brightly. 

Benvolio kisses me. “We want you to be happy, Nessarose,” he says softly. “We want you to see this new life you’ve found, the new loves you hold. We want you to move on.” He shakes his head. “You need to stop blaming yourself. What happened was out of our hands. I am happy you made it.”

“How-” I choke up. “You got me out so I could get help, but I couldn’t find it-” I wrap my arms around them both. “I couldn’t save you!”

“It was the middle of nowhere,” he assures me. “It would have been a miracle.” He holds my face in his hands. “It was our time. Do not waste yours.”

Nora squeezes her arms around my neck. “I love you!”

I hold her and then she begins to fade away. She dissolves like sand in my hands and I watch her and Benvolio float back up into the sky. I clutch my chest, breathing in a sigh of relief. 

“Where are you?” I whisper. “Iscariot? Ichabod?” I stand up and look around, seeing them emerge from a shadow in the woods. They’re both so tall. Ichabod is quite thin with sharp features, his skin is milky white and he has short, curly black hair. Iscariot is thicker, has more muscle. Half of his face the skin is tight and dark from burns. His hair is long and pure white.

I race to them, throwing myself in their arms and looking at them, taking in their handsome faces and beautiful eyes. I kiss them over and over, I will never be able to pay them back for this wonderful gift they have given me.

“How did you do it?” I cry. “How did you do this miracle?”

“A friend owed us a favor,” Ichabod chuckles.

Iscariot sweeps his finger under my eyes. “What a lovely color,” he admires.

I wrap my arms around them both. “I love you,” I finally say the words. “I love you both so much! I’m sorry it’s taken me so long.”

“It’s taken exactly as long as it needed,” Iscariot whispers.

“We love you too, we always have.” Ichabod sniffles.

“I know,” I whisper. “Thank you. Thank you!” I whimper over and over again between kisses. My tears mingle with theirs. That evening I kiss every inch of them, seeing everything with the eyes Nora gifted me.