I need your Feeback!
Added 2024-09-24 14:39:50 +0000 UTCHello,
I would like to hear from you, my dear readers, thoughts about the story developments.
I always take notes of what people write down in reviews and comments, even though not all things can be fixed since the story is already on a certain track. Some things, however, can be caught midway or fixed along the way.
I know the current chapters present some problems in the prose itself, but that's mostly because Patreon chapters are drafts, not finished chapters.
That's why I'd be more interested in hearing what bothered you about character development for the main and secondary cast. If there's something, like Talia's monster-complex, particularly bothering you.
Please, feel free to express your feedback however you prefer.
Comments
Late to the party, but as a teacher, professors being able to expel students so easily and in such great numbers is difficult for me to believe. (Yes the magic is comparatively easy to believe). Academies want students to graduate and old institutions have good reason to develop strict rules about student admittance, expulsion etc. For example, other professors would get very annoyed at losing talented students because of Iakopo, so a rule allowing that would get changed quickly. Likewise, big families funding the academy would be upset by their members getting expelled. But given that the academy is an old institution, sensible rules should be in place already.
E. V. R. K.
2024-10-02 06:07:39 +0000 UTCWell Talia knows that her mother was responsible for the death of Iakopo's shield and retinue but believes that her mother must have been innocent. She needs to believe that her mother was a hero.
Cinera Verinia
2024-09-26 08:04:00 +0000 UTCI think that rn, in this current arc, we, the audience, know too much compared to Talia. We know for a fact that Iakopo is the biggest obstacle to the cultists's plans, while Talia is busy gaslighting herself into thinking that Iakopo is an evil cultist. While I'd say that Talia tunnelvisioning on Iakopo is somewhat realistic, it is getting really frustrating to read, knowing the truth, and that Talia has enough information to dismiss the idea, yet stubbornly ignores anything that indicates Iakopo's innocence
Pholt
2024-09-26 03:44:16 +0000 UTCWhen doing the research for the books, I considered adding more information—and I should have also spent more time on the studying. However, there's only so much I can introduce in the novel without heavily affecting the outcomes in it. There's an important backstory that would have been affected and made incoherent by introducing too many things. I agree, though, that things like swell reading, animal signs, star reading, should have been there and should have had more prominence. I think there might be more space for culture once the current arc, which means book 1, ends. I'll brush up on it, too. Do you have any resource you recommend?
Maeve McCarthy
2024-09-24 21:56:35 +0000 UTCI agree that Fiora shows some inconsistencies and that the reactions during the academy part was too heavy-handed. I struggle to pace the rate of revelation at the right pace and sometimes I feel like I need to really press certain issues before moving onto the next scene. I'll make a point of writing this down as one of my main issues in my writing journal. A little spoiler, but Book 2 will most likely open with a nice solo-raid. I do agree that the academy arc was *very* fast. There were definitely occasions to focus more on Talia's development of her own powers and exploration of what she can do, but it was rushed to get to this arc. The reason of the rush is still tied to the rate of revelation. I wanted to connect the behavior of Professor Iakopo and Talia's mother as tightly as possible, but that did create problems as far as the litrpg caramel goes. I should have woven a more slow-paced fight-oriented and training-oriented part at the Academy with the secrets, which might have helped me make this whole placid city arc more connected.
Maeve McCarthy
2024-09-24 21:51:55 +0000 UTCThere is a very strange inconsistency of setting that bothers me a lot. The existence of Ukulele and Galleons strongly implies the existence of the Portugese, to say nothing of the proliferation of metal weaponry, metal doors, and age of sail navigational equipment. Where is the mainland? It hasn't seem to come up. Additionally some of these things don't make any sense even if the colonizers have already come and gone again. Specifically I am thinking about Navigators as one of the examples. The Polynesian cultures had specific guilds for those who could get people from island to island, enabling trade. But these techniques were taught through oral tradition and song, star movements, swell reading, animal signs, and unerring internal direction. These guys were well respected and often 'wealthy'. This story encourages me to think that this tradition was completely eliminated or something? (when these people still exist in our modern day having survived colonization and the weight of years) When a Kane family warship uses western nav techniques it seems like they have no pride? Also, where is the Aloha? It seems like the setting is based on Hawaiian myth without ever encountering Ho'oponopono. These are practices of reconciliation and forgiveness are crucial to actual island living, and I'm saying that having lived there in the modern day. The folks really live that life and it's one of the things that makes it unique. They believe that anger, fault, and our sins make you sick, make you unwell, and that's a problem for the entire community. Aloha is our hello, Aloha is our goodbye, Aloha means I love you. I get that you want a cool setting with surfing hydromancers, I get it, I do and I want that too, but please attempt to draw more cultural insight than just surface level. Polynesian cultures had very developed understandings of Mana, its flow, how it gathered, how to manipulate and exchange it. Yet the text seems to not reflect any of the animist, deific, or ritual practices in favor of 'Everyone has a Water Vein' and then making like a generic cultivator setting. Even down to the descriptions of the clothing it exists the feeling of disconnect.
Everett Christensen
2024-09-24 21:13:52 +0000 UTC- Fiora needs more depth, maybe instead of saying what she feels, let he actions show how she feels. Fiora's emotional highs and lows change very rapidly which is a shock. Like at the beginning of the story, instead of making Fiora scream and yell, let her sulk off proudly only for Talia to find her crying later on. It has the same story beats but doesn't let the reader know exactly what she is feeling besides emotional distress. Then when she is fighting the Crabs on the beginning island, her hurting other villagers shows her anger. -I am fine with Talia sharing the Kraken's skills, but she needs to use them more (she can level up from absorbing monsters and still hasn't gone on a raid to level up). (plz more fights and leveling) -I feel like the story is progressing too quickly, we haven't had time to understand the characters and their skills (it has been a week maybe in the school before Placid City). Maybe spend a few weeks (in the story) developing the characters first and exploring the academy. The placid city arc could have been around Chapters 100-150 when we have a better understanding of the characters before the stakes increase -> Takai's Father and sister could have been a "side story" that eventually merges with the main story later on. I still have no idea what their objective is and what they are doing in the caves. Overall story is good, just providing suggestions
Onyxdragon666
2024-09-24 20:01:13 +0000 UTCI haven't received your DM yet.
Maeve McCarthy
2024-09-24 17:03:57 +0000 UTCAnd not to mention, as i said before, there’s not a HINT of mystique or unknown bc when someone clearly important appears, a RANDOM students shouted their name. Furthermore, adults in this world only serve to the context of the novel and not have their own life, act not with a hint of EQ. And how convenient they just talk about relevant topic MC wanna know?
Touch
2024-09-24 17:01:46 +0000 UTC-lack of empathy from MC, as in willingness to look from other people perspectives, professor’s whole family/retinue died, and this gal still think nothing of her mother or such -arrogance and not heeding ANY advice from people -lack of basic thinking of consequences, provoke professors intentionally and get mad at him, using skills on friends, even with temptation it’s still sound like a bad move on author’s part with OTHERS flaws accumulated from her personality -when she was about to be teaches lesson, author somehow give her a flashback and power her up, make it further into her own delusion -assume things she think or speculate is true, such even with opposing evidence or warning from her close kin -have overusing “monster” trope that ladle with guilt, but somehow still doing nothing about it -needing to prove herself to someone else despite the guards, elders, and literally everyone else show her how that goes -No sign of character development, especially emotionally, she’s 16 right? Not 12-13 -what did she use to think to trust this info “broker” guy coming out of nowhere, sell location of Leviathan hall without 3rd party she could trust, and DID introduced her to the guy. How will she know if she for scammed? And what will she give the noble for giving her this opportunity? -And with such harsh life, how could she not become resourceful and try to get every opportunity she could get, but somehow willing to sacrifice her life -Did not make a single decision regarding her future advancement, plot just give her a path, and did not experiment on her own power to know limit -the infomation broker guy last word just cut off, so that MC know info but we reader didn’t, further create a sense of disconnection -everyone keep reminding her that her mom isn’t a good and kill so many people, dude still wish to be like her regardless of the price and feel guilty, so basically just making herself unhappy -where did she research information about noble house hold? Only “when I research” is mentioned -Fiona and elder just bully her for no reason, which is REALLY cliche -there’s no middle ground, only bad guy and good guy, not a lot of depth -side character have the same view except fiona that partially change, but it is predictable that she will like mc later —so basically arrogant(not listening or even think with evidence IN FRONT of her), no emotional intelligence, make herself guilty(mean she don’t know what she wants) by doing stuff, just go with the flow, everything serve to her somehow
Touch
2024-09-24 16:56:31 +0000 UTCHonestly, I've been too annoyed re:Fiora to get noticeably annoyed re:Talia. Like some things with Talia bother me, but scale wise they don't register compared to the things with Fiora that bother me, so I can't actually give a fair take here. I've mentioned the things that bother me re:Fiora in our RR PM, so I won't repeat them here.
Cinera Verinia
2024-09-24 16:07:19 +0000 UTCPS, I realized that it wasn't mentioned in the Tier that the chapters are unedited. I added it to avoid any more misunderstandings. I'm really about my lack of transparency about that.
Maeve McCarthy
2024-09-24 14:48:25 +0000 UTC
