Phantom Boyfriend: Dasamiza #1 (complete)

    I haven’t returned to the stage since the accident occurred. Ever since the doctor told me I could never use that leg again without the aid of some sort of crutch, well I guess I just kind of stopped listening to what people had to say to me. I tried to respond in kind, a smile here and there, a nod in agreement, but everything sounded garbled.

    Any advice was ignored, any kind gesture just sort of faded away. I didn’t mean to come off as intentionally cruel, but my mind just sort of clicked off for a while. I didn’t even notice if I was coming or going. I thought that maybe after I left the hospital, I would return to normal and I would start to listen again. But even at home, it was the same thing. 

    I had so many visitors and, while I craved having familiar and friendly faces around me, I could not drink them in the way I desired. My friends and family came and went, and it wasn’t until much later, I realized who they were. Members from my troupe came often and they left gifts and flowers for each time. I just wish I could remember what they said.

    I am so lonely, but my mind won’t let anyone in. I so want to mourn, but it is as if everything in my mind is cut off. I can’t tell if I am numb or not, maybe that’s what numb is. All I know is that everything around me is blank and there is no color and life to it. People have no faces and I am left in that void with no way to drag myself out of it.

    I feel that sleep is a relief. At night, I don’t have to worry or contemplate what my world has become. My mind is shut off and I am allowed to fade away and forget. But there are times at night when I awaken and I am fixed to the bed. I am paralyzed and unable to move. I have panicked before, terrified that somehow what has afflicted my leg has taken over my entire body. Only in the morning am I relieved that I can move, yet disheartened that my world is still turned off.

    I wake to one of these spells, staring up at the ceiling as I realize I cannot move. Faint slivers of moonlight crack through the curtains and I can see the patterns on the ceiling. The beautiful woodwork that makes each tile. I count them one by one, hoping that monotony will help me go back to sleep.

    I then see a figure stride towards me. They’re walking on the ceiling, stepping over the tiles I have just counted. Looking down at me, they’re wearing a mask, a face contorted one way and then the other. They’re laughing and smiling, and yet they’re sobbing and frowning, and in the center, they’re glaring and the mouth is open wide. They’re wearing a wide-brimmed hat where there are feathers and frills splayed all about. They’re all gold and white, wearing a regal suit with a cloak.

    They click their tongue and shake their head. “My, my, my,” they sigh. “Such a sad state of affairs, is it not? Once the ballerina of the world’s stage, now the lump in someone’s bed.” They shake their head again, walking in circles above me. 

    “The stage is not the same without you.” They look down at me, tilting their chin slightly. I cannot see anything under the mask, it all looks like shadows and darkness. “What the hell is wrong with you?” They flap their arms outwards and raise their fists. “You have come through darker trials than this, coming out the other end a much brighter flame because of them!” They snap their arms back down to their sides then scoff. They turn their head and continue their pacing.

    “What to do? What to do? What to do?” They worry. “I know you are better than this. I have seen the greatness from within you. And because of one cruel act of malice, you have ridden yourself to this pitiful state!”

    I want to ask them what they mean by this. What act of malice? But I cannot move and I cannot speak, no matter how much I am trying to force myself to. These aren’t the only questions I have for them.

    “What act of malice?” They repeat my thoughts using my own voice. “Oh, my dear, sweet self,” they’re still using my own voice. “You are so trusting, aren’t you? Did you not see Marlena fooling around backstage?” My voice chuckles. “You saw her, right? She was back there, where she ought not have been, making silly promises to one of the swooning boys that linger back there. You told yourself she was just seeking attention, right?”

    A grunt rises up in my throat.

    The masked figure sighs. “I saw everything,” their voice has returned. Only it sounds darker than before. The glaring eyes have a glow to them that leaves a trail in the darkness. “I saw her promise more than kisses to the boys backstage. I heard her whisper her concocted scheme.”

    I grunt again, it is all I can do.

    “You don’t believe me?” The deep voice rumbles all around the room. “You’re still relying on your kind naivety, aren’t you?” They snap their finger out at me, their cloak and clothes whipping and cracking at the movement. “Well then, wake up, girl,” they snarl. “Wake. Up!”

    I sit up in bed and look around. Daylight is pouring in through the window and I can hear the songbirds outside. I am beyond bewildered and shaken. Who was that figure? Or were they some sort of creature? Perhaps a demon from the other side, sent to haunt me in my state.  At that moment, my door opens and someone walks in.

    “Oh good, you’re up already. Did you sleep well?” 

    It takes me a moment to register what is happening. I turn and see my mother has come into the room. She’s still in her robe and sleep clothes, her hair tucked under a sleeping cap. I watch her in awe as she moves to the window and opens up the curtains. 

    “It’s a beautiful day, darling,” she tells me. “Let’s let in some fresh air.”

    The cold air hits my face and I can smell the fresh earth and new growth of the garden, but beyond the light, I am not sure if I am seeing anything. The only thing physical I can see is my mother.

    “Mom?” I ask.

    She turns and looks at me, her expression is bewilderment that melts into awe. She comes over to me and touches my cheek. “Yes, it’s me, darling.”

    I am not sure what has changed, but for some reason, I can see my mother once again, I can hear her as clear as day. Nothing is blocked, nothing is blank. I take a sigh of relief and embrace her in my arms.

    Unfortunately, at the same time, it is only my mother. Everyone else is still as vague and muffled as they were before. My mother, though, is able to somewhat understand and she helps me navigate this blank world. 

    The next night, though, I see that masked figure again. I am laying on my side and they are posed on the windowsill. One of their long legs hangs off the side and their mask has changed. The center is now the goofy wide smile and laughter, while the glare has taken to the side. 

    “One small change can rock the world.” Their voice sounds different again. It isn’t as dark and low as it was last night. They turn and look at me, moonlight trapped on their hat and mask.

    “You need to go back,” they say as they stand.

    One the ceiling, I couldn’t register their size, now that they’re standing before me, I see that they’re monstrous in their proportions. They’re so tall, nearly double what I expected. Their limbs are long and willowy and their waist seems smaller than mine.

    They kneel down beside my bed, looking at me directly in the face. Their hand on the edge of the bed is enormous, the palm is bigger than a dinner plate and the fingers are long with more than two knobby joints on each.

    “Where am I supposed to go back to?” They ask with my voice again.

    “Well, I’ll tell you.” They point a finger in my face. “The place you belong. The place you love. You belong there and you won’t find any relief or answered questions until you do!”

    All I can move is my eyes. I twitch them around, trying to take in as much of them as I possibly can. If they know what I want to ask, why won’t they answer my most burning question?

    “You don’t remember me?” They laugh. “That’s good. I look much better now than I did all those years ago. I’d prefer you remembered this me rather than that one.” They make a disgusted growl with their throat and stand up. They glide over the window and pull open the curtains and moonlight spills like milk onto the floor. 

    “Dasamiza.” They turn on their heel and bend themselves in half at the waist. “At your service, my dear lady.” They rise up in one fluid motion. “I have come to invite you home.” They come back to the edge of the bed. “Only there can I truly give you what you want.” They touch my cheek and their skin feels like the curtains hanging in the theatre.

    “I can only give myself when you are searching.” They dip down, kissing my forehead. As they sit up, the moonlight has become daylight and I can rise up from the bed. 

    “Darling?” There is a knock at my door before it opens. “I know it’s early, but someone has come to see you.”

    I look at my mother standing in the doorway for a moment, relieved I can still see her. I take in a deep breath and turn to face her. “What is it about?”

    “It’s someone from the theatre,” she whispers. “He said he owns it. I wasn’t sure what to do. I don’t recognize him.”

    I had only met the owner of the theatre once. He had taken it from his aging father and has since been traveling the world and doing whatever it is he pleases. Last I heard, he was somewhere in Australia, hunting there in the outback.

    I dress and go into the living room with my mother. The world is still quite blank to me, so when I see the owner, I am quite shocked. I can see him. He is clear like my mother, his shape isn’t vague, his colors are crisp. I can see his face as I walk around the sofa, hobbling on my crutch.

    His complexion is dark as are his hair and clothes. Every hair on his body is thick and pitch black. He has such luscious eyelashes, I found myself jealous. He stands to greet me, he is short and stout, and his hand is thick and calloused. 

    “It is good to see you up and about,” he replies. “When I heard of the accident, I wasn’t quite sure what to do. I wanted to come see you and talk to you before I did anything.”

    “What would there need to be done?” I ask. “It was an accident.”

    Above the mantle, there is a mirror, and in it, I can see the strange masked creature from my dreams. They’re sitting where the owner is, mimicking his posture and poise. 

    “Is something wrong?” The owner asks me.

    “I, uh-” I shake my head. “No, uhm-” I give him a smile. “It’s still early and I’ve not had my coffee.”

    “I am sorry to be here so early, but I’m still not sure what day it is,” he chuckles. “I have heard different accounts of what has happened, and I am afraid I don’t believe any of it.”

    I furrow my brow at him. “What do you mean?”

    “I am not sure if it was an accident that befell you,” the owner murmurs. “From things I have heard, it sounds to me like it was a blatant attempt against you.”

    I glance back to the mirror, seeing that Dasamiza is nodding and thrusting his arms out in complete agreement. 

    “No,” I murmur. “It was just an accident. I fell. It was my own fault.”

    The masked figure topples and falls over the back of the couch as they pitch a temper tantrum at my response.

    “Do you really believe that?” The owner asks. 

    “I have to,” I murmur.

    There is a long pause of silence before he speaks again. “I want you to come back to the theatre,” the owner says. “I want you there, even if you cannot dance.”

    I look back at him. “Then what good am I?”

    “You can teach.” He smiles at me. “You can watch over the girls. You can be a mentor to them. You can plan, organize, manage, anything you’d want. I just know that without you, there is no spark in the dancers.”

    I frown and look away. “I am not sure I can do that.”

    “Just come back,” he whispers urgently. “Come look around. See things. Maybe it will trigger your memory.”

    “There is nothing to bring back,” I reply. “But...I suppose it is time I return and see what I can make of what is left of me.”

    The owner insists on taking me right away. After a quick breakfast, he whisks me off in his private car and takes me into the theatre again. As we step inside, I see Dasamiza mingled in with the staff and statues. They’re wearing the uniform of the ushers and racing around with them. At another spot, they have replaced the Venus statue and are standing there as the owner tells me about all the new things he has in store.

    At one point, Dasamiza is one of the pompous and rich patrons who have come for their special visits to see the practices and training of the performers. They’re wearing a dress and it looks like they have huge breasts straining at the fabric. Each time my attention is turned away, they have changed into something else in the theatre. 

    “Pretty soon,” the owner tells me as we walk into the main hall of the theatre, “I plan on renovating this place.”

    My breath is stolen from me as I can see the stage clear as day. I can see all the individual seats and every wrinkle in the curtain. The owner helps me up on stage and I stand there, looking around and remembering everything. My first steps were on this stage when my father was a singer. My first dance when I was little. My first starring performance. The night that all ended.

    I don’t see the owner anymore, instead, I see Dasamiza walking across the backs of the chairs as they move to the stage. They walk from the back, zigzagging along the seats until they leap up onto the stage before me. They offer out their strange hand to me.

    “Shall we dance?” They ask. Their mask has changed yet again, the crying and wailing face is in the center, flanked by the anger and joy faces.

    “I can’t,” my voice cracks.

    They recoils their hand. “I know.” They turn and look out over the empty theatre. “Is this the vision that you want?” Dasamiza asks. “Empty?”

    I turn my back to what they are looking at and stare up at the curtains. “When I danced, the world was a blur. Now-”

    “Now all you see is that blur? But it is meaningless.” Dasamiza’s voice is different again, somehow lower and sadder. 

    I look up at them. “Who are you?” I ask. “Why have you come to me? What is your purpose?”

    “I told you, I am Dasamiza. I came to you because you came to me,” they reply. “And my purpose?” They snap their fingers and all the lights go off. “My purpose is to bring you back into the light.”

    The lights flash back on and I cover my face. My crutch drops to the ground and clatters, but the noise turns to applause and cheers. I take in a deep breath and raise my eyes, seeing the theatre is full of people who have risen to a standing ovation.

    “What is wrong with you?” I hear someone hiss at me. “Bow!”

    I swoop down, bowing and raising up into a smile. I am given flowers and, as I walk offstage, I am greeted with more applause and cheers. 

    “Another amazing performance!” The owner comes from the back and embraces me. 

    “Is it?” I look around, seeing the room filled with familiar faces, but everything feels so different. 

    “Hurry and get dressed,” the owner says to me. He kisses my hand and then my cheek. “I have a special dinner for us waiting.”

    “You do?” I ask as I am rushed towards my dressing room.

    “We planned this, don’t you remember?” He opens my door. “Hurry now.” He closes the door behind me and I look up, seeing Dasamiza sitting amongst all the gifts and flowers that have been shoved into every corner of my dressing room. 

    “What is going on?” I toss the bouquet I am holding aside. “What have you done?”

    Dasamiza is eating bonbons from a glass box. “Giving you the world you deserve to be in. A world where that awful night never happened.” They stand up, still popping bonbons into their mouth. “You never had your accident during dress rehearsals. You just had your opening performance and it was a rousing success, to put it lightly. Needless to say, you will be a rising star overnight. Not to mention, the owner came back to town just to see you dance.”

    I look Dasamiza up and down. “Why would you do that for me?”

    They shrug. “Why wouldn’t I?”

    “Is this a trick?” I ask. “Another dream?” I look around the room, twisting my fingers in worry. “Am I dead?”

    “Goodness, no!” Dasamiza laughs. “I can reverse many things, but death is not one of them.” They put their hand on my shoulder. “I am simply giving you back the world you deserve to be in. A world where you weren’t betrayed.” They kneel down and touch my leg, the one that had been useless only moments ago. They dip down, kissing my toes and up my leg.

    I close my eyes, allowing this touch because of how good it felt. “Dasamiza,” I moan softly. 

    “All I want is for you to be happy.” They stand and bow before me. 

    “But I don’t-” There is a knock at my door that turns my attention away from Dasamiza. 

    “Are you ready yet?” The owner asks. “The car just got here.”

    “Almost,” I shout. I turn and look up, but Dasamiza is gone. I quickly undress from my costume and put on the outfit hanging in the room. As I touch my leg, I admire that it is free of scars and discoloration, the ankle is smooth and unswollen, the knee is in-line with the rest of my leg. I touch it, remembering how good Dasamiza’s kisses and touch felt. I feel hot in my core and I have to shake myself out of it. I dress and meet the owner backstage. 

    He takes me to one of the fanciest restaurants in the city. As we eat, I am approached all night by people who had seen my performance. I greet them happily, but soon I turn my attention to the owner.

    “I know this must be a strange request coming from me,” he says. “But ever since I met you, I have been drawn to you. My mother did ballet, but she gave it up when she became pregnant ‘unexpectedly’.” He laughs and gives me a dashing smile. “After yesterday during the dress rehearsal, I realized I don’t want to wait any longer to ask you this.”

    I furrow my brow. “What happened yesterday?” I shake my head. Behind the owner, I see Dasamiza crouched down at a table, their knees up around him as they poke at food at the table. No one else seems to notice them tossing chunks of salad and vegetables from their plate and around the room.

    The owner laughs. “Don’t you remember?” he asks. “Marlena had a horrible accident. You were there, you were at her side.”

    My mouth drops open and I stare in shock. “Marlena had the accident?” I look up towards Dasamiza again.

    “Is something wrong?” The owner asks.

    “Of course there is,” I whisper. “Oh, poor Marlena.”

    The owner takes hold of my hand and kisses my knuckles. “It is her accident that made me realize there cannot be any missed chances.”

    I look up into his dark eyes and squeeze his hand. 

    “I feel like our fates are wound together and I want to tighten those bonds. If you’ll allow it, I would love to give you the world.” The owner whispers.

    I chuckle softly. “I don’t need the world.”

    “Then perhaps the moon?” The owner chuckles. “Whatever you ask for, I will give it in the hopes you will share your heart with me.”

    I look up, seeing Dasamiza towering over the owner from behind. Their mask is shifting and changing shape. I cannot tell what expression they are going to hold.

    “What is it?” The owner whispers.

    I close my gaped mouth and return my attention to him. “I’m shocked,” I whisper. “I didn’t think you held much interests outside your travels.”

    The owner chuckles. “My mother thinks I’m trying to delay the inevitable. Family. Children. All that bullshit rhetoric that is expected of healthy young people.” He rolls his eyes. “But I think with you, maybe I could stomach it.”

    I laugh and shake my head. “The ballet is my life,” I tell him honestly. “It has been everything to me since I was little.” I shake my head and slip my hand away from him. “If you want me as a wife, then I cannot do it. I will dance until I can’t any longer.”

    “You’re my star,” the owner whispers. “If you stop dancing now, I will be at a loss.” He grins at me. “Besides, watching you dance is what made me fall for you in the first place. I was never going to ask you to stop your passion. If you did it until the day you died, it would not bother me.” He takes my hand again. “If you asked me, I would become the wife.”

    We both laugh and I look back up at Dasamiza. They have turned their back to me and their hands are clasped there. 

    “As long as we can take this a day at a time,” I look back at the owner. “I don’t think I would mind the courtship.”

    He grins at me. “That is music to my ears.”

    As we stand to leave, I look back, seeing that Dasamiza still has their back turned to us. I can also see them in the mirror at the back of the room. There is no mask, there is no face. I cannot see anything but a void where their mask used to be. I squeeze onto the owner’s hand and as we walk outside, I see Dasamiza standing on top of his car. 

    “All I want is for you to be happy,” the owner tells me.

    I turn and look at him and smile. “You’re not the first to tell me that today.” I glance back up at Dasamiza, whose mask now bears the joyous expression. 

“Well then,” the owner opens the car door. “It seems like someone is watching over you.”