Sourcebook Page 2
Added 2020-03-10 19:35:10 +0000 UTCTyping for page 2 done. Give it a look.
Comments
"This lead to her developing..." should likely be "This led to her developing..." as it should be a past tense use of the word. Otherwise it would have been "This leads to..." or "This will lead to.."
Karl Maurer
2020-03-11 08:43:13 +0000 UTC"Artica was the only offspring" ... to me reads like *Artica* is dead, because she *was*. If "Artica is the only offspring" then she currently the only offspring. That's my reasoning.
MountainGoat
2020-03-10 22:32:43 +0000 UTCWell you guys now now one of her parents is alive, but oyhers who read this might not know. Give it a new read.
Ebonyleopard
2020-03-10 20:52:14 +0000 UTCAnd that's it for me :) Looking good!
MountainGoat
2020-03-10 20:00:35 +0000 UTC"And her custom was fashioned by" ... you're missing a word there. I think you want 'custom uniform'.
MountainGoat
2020-03-10 20:00:11 +0000 UTC"Artica is armed with two wristbands that can convert ... which can act as aids". I would drop the second "can" there as to me it reads repetative. This is more of a nitpick than a grammar problem, I just think it reads nicer as "which act as aids".
MountainGoat
2020-03-10 19:59:44 +0000 UTCYou could even do "cost her that one chance with Red" to really hit the point home.
MountainGoat
2020-03-10 19:57:36 +0000 UTC"This illness was due to the first .... and forever cost her her chance"... I would write this as "... and forever cost her that chance with Red" just to avoid the double-her there.
MountainGoat
2020-03-10 19:56:19 +0000 UTCMartial Status: Extremely popular with fans Kidding! "Artica was the only offspring" ... you probably want "Artica is the only offspring" so it's not an obituary.
MountainGoat
2020-03-10 19:54:40 +0000 UTC
