Shutting down for now.

I can't in good faith keep up my fanbox. I've not drawn ( or jacked off) in a month. And even though I'm only a few hours away from finishing two more pages on CH 9, I've no motivation i can scavenge up to do so.

I'm not okay, and I don't think I will ever get over these bad thoughts, they just get more severe to this point. I've completely lost hope on any future that I'd care about; be it comic artist, porn artist, or general life.

I can't explain it well, which makes it even worse. But I can try...

There seems to be no future in collaborating with other artists; being in any creative industry that I wouldn't want to kill myself in; even making friends with artists; much less ever finding a wife as an male artist. It really feels pointless to keep getting better at comic art when I don't ever see my art ever bringing me a happy future. Just money from making porn, there's not even money in making normal comics unless you get absurdly lucky.

The social aspects that made me love being an artist between 2013-2018 are long gone, and they arn't coming back. And the replacement of those entertainment/art communities with a legitamate authoritarian censorship cult, makes me sick to my stomach. Beyond cancel culture; just a sick cult of people who pretend like Twitch TOS and fringe psychology is the bible; and anyone who disobeys them deserves to be defamed, defunded and destroyed. This cult pretending that all art/media belongs to their 10 year old religion.

It wasn't like that before, in fact most my conversations with artists and videogame/animation lovers used to be about the freedom of art and expression. How horrible copyright was, the corporate stranglehold on art. And ironically, a lot of conversation was also about how controlling christians used to be in communities; by athiests who are now so deep into illogical beliefs and controlling others life, they've become the very zealots they claimed they hate. "It's not ok when they do it, but only when I do it!"

There's normal people not in that cesspit of modern entertainment communities of course, that I talk to a lot. I go "touch grass", have pleasent 30min-1hour conversations with strangers, and connect on shared interests and topics. I travel to other states, cities, and small towns and talk to people of all shapes and colors. But finding out most nearly everyone has given up on human connection and won't try for a relationship (friendship or romance) no matter how much effort I put into it. It's too much effort spent to get basically nothing for 7 years straight. And the longer I try, the more I realize I'm probably never going to find love. I don't want to do it anymore, it's more depressing to go 'touch grass' than it is to rot at home. There are many factors as to why it's like this now, but all I'll say is I hope a solar flare wipes out all online communications forever so people will at least try again.

And it's not getting better for decades, telling me I have to wait until I'm 55 to have simple social pleasures again is the same as telling me I have no future. I spend too much time thinking about what historical global decisions led to this past decade of insufferable culture even being possible; which admittedly is making me schitzo about whats true and not.

No matter how much I improve myself, dress better, be more confident, talk carefully, listen and care about what others are saying, workout, eat better... I can't get the same social connections that I used to make easy, when I was an awkward spaghetti mess of a teenager, IRL or online.

And unfortunately, I viscerally remember my art and music friendships that made me learn to draw and play the piano in the first place. My only dream for so long was just to be able to make art projects with other artists and friends.

I started working on one with my best friend (programmer) this since I originally posted this "I'm shutting down for now" post, a video game; and I'm going to spend the next few months only working on that and learning blender modeling/animation.

It's not all doom and gloom, but the happy moments being so few and far between that I've become the same kind of bitter, miserable, hateful person I dislike and criticized. Whole point, I've lost any hope of being happy working on artwork and comics. And it's not even because of AI art at all! People are just majority apathetic and hateful now, as opposed to minority when I started drawing.

I will announce on FA / EKA if I continue making porn artwork, and if fanbox is back up and running. If I don't plan to finish the comic, I will release spoilers on the story of CH 1-18.

I will at least finish the last two bad endings (CH 7-8) around this summer, and sell Volume 1. (filthy / non-filthy ) on Ejunkie as a product.

If you would like to support, only option now is Ejunkie: https://artca9.e-junkie.com/

The link should still work for patrons I believe.

Meal Friend MEGA: https://artca8.fanbox.cc/posts/9314851

Shiny and Gassy MEGA: https://artca8.fanbox.cc/posts/9314840