On Saying No

I wrote this last year for Feeld and their very cool blog, but they’ve had some technical glitches and it disappeared. I have permission to post it here while they make repairs.

Knowing your limits and speaking up to protect yourself are critical life skills, and critical kink skills.

“Yes!” she gasped, gripping the edge of the bench, grinning wide. The leather flogger cracked against her soft thighs and she moaned with pleasure. “Again,” she begged, spreading her knees a little wider so I could see how excited she was getting. Anyone who says consent isn’t sexy hasn’t seen us play together.

There’s a dangerous habit, particularly with folks who are new to kink, to assume that a good submissive is silent, pleasing, and doesn’t have limits. This misguided assumption leads to many young or inexperienced players being taken advantage of, and missing out on some of the big joys that consent can offer.

Many of us, particularly feminine folks, were socialized to be “nice” above all else. Setting limits, saying a firm no, speaking up about our own desires, these are all things a lot of People Pleasers haven’t had safe experiences with. Many of us feel pressure to be “fun” or worry about looking inexperienced, and more than that, we don’t want to disappoint people or “ruin the vibe”. This gets complicated in sexual situations, especially for folks who don’t have a lot of practice saying no.

Just as respect, safety, consent, and aftercare are critical for Dominants to master and understand, submissives have jobs and expectations too. There’s a ridiculous assumption that a good submissive doesn’t say no, but a submissive who doesn’t say no or use their safewords puts themselves and their partners at risk. Good submissives DO say no. (And good dominants listen.) Knowing your limits and speaking up to protect yourself are critical life skills, and also critical kink skills.

If I’m doing a scene with someone I need to know that they are capable of keeping themselves safe. I won’t play with people who don’t say no. Because I’ve had my consent violated in the past, the last thing I ever want to do is create a situation where the person I’m interacting with feels like they can’t speak up. When I’m playing with partners who I can trust to advocate for their own good time, I’m not anxious and in my head. I don’t second guess myself as often, I can relax and tap into that electric energy knowing that my partner has all the tools they need to enjoy themselves too. Being confident in my Bottoms’ boundaries gives me the freedom to be a more confident Top.

For those of us who haven’t mastered our own No’s yet there’s good news: saying no is a muscle that you can exercise! Consent is something you can practice getting better at. Think of it like practising a fire drill at school, or learning where the emergency exits are on a plane, when you go through the motions and plan your evacuation “just in case”, you’re making it more likely that you’ll react quickly in an emergency. The same is true when it comes to consent; if we don’t have a plan, and if we haven’t practiced, it can be hard to scramble for the right words when we need them.

I throw kinky play parties for women and sapphic folks, and after talking with many guests about the roadblocks to finding our No I created a consent-forward game for those who wanted to practice. The first thing we do is establish that the purpose of this activity is to find limits and practice using your consent muscles. The submissive chooses an implement like a flogger, paddle, or cane. (Hands work great for this activity too!) Now usually when I’m doing a party scene like this I’m trying to stay within the fun-zone, giving the Bottom the sensations they’re looking for without going so far that they want to tap out. For the purposes of this game though we WANT to get to their limits. Instead of setting up a mindset where the submissive is trying to endure whatever the dominant is dishing out, we ask the submissive to really get inside of their body and feel their desire. We remind them there’s no wrong answer, just their truth. Rather than finding the sweet spot and staying there, I’m trying to push them past that spot so they can practice FEELING their no and then SAYING their no. Both skills are important.

“I don’t want you to be tough for me,” I tell her. “I already know you’re tough, I want you to really listen to your body and give me some feedback about what it wants. Don’t worry about pleasing me, I’m already pleased, this is about you getting what you want, are you ready?” She squirms. I ask again, “Are you ready?”

“Yes, Ms. Heart,” she replies, loud and clear. She knows this time I’m not easing into it, trying to make it last. I’m trying to find the edges of her YES. I’m going to spank her until she says stop. I’m not going to stop until she does. The spankings escalate quickly, sharper and sharper. I can feel her skin warming under my palm. After each hard spanking I hear her exhale, as they get tougher she starts to grunt a little, her cute butt turning hot pink. When we finally get hard enough her feet start to scrunch up and she says in the smallest, almost imperceptible voice, “…stop?”

I stop immediately, gasp in astonishment and shower her with praise. “What a good girl you are! Good job!” I stroke my fingertips softly over the handprints I’ve left on her skin and assure her I’m very pleased.

“Do you want to do it again?” I ask. She grins and says yes. I praise her and ask her to try and make her “stop” sound a little more firm this time, not meek like a question, loud like a statement. This is tough for those who haven’t practiced, we’ve learned to couch our “No” in soft words, high pitched people pleasing voices, gentle phrases with no sharp corners that won’t alarm anyone. For this exercise we want direct, loud, firm no’s.

We do another round, and then again when she says yes, harder and harder until this time her “stop” sounds clear as a bell. Each time she reaches her limit and speaks up she is showered in praise and adoration. The other women at the party join in this positive-reinforcement, stroking her hair and telling her what a good job she’s doing. Here in this room we make a safe space to practice using our consent muscles.

So often in life our No is ignored, silenced, or even punished. We’re violated, we’re painted as difficult, we’ve let people down. It’s not an accident that our patriarchal society produces so many people pleasers, it’s by design. Making a little space where we give our brains the experience of being rewarded for saying no can really push back against that conditioning and grow our skills.

I first saw this in action at a fancy hotel party in New York. An adorable woman was dressed in impeccable lingerie with her breasts exposed. “SLAP ME” was written across her chest in bold letters. A dominant woman I admired approached her, made sweet doe eyes at her and said “May I?”

The exposed woman nodded and smiled, the dominant woman slapped her tits, hard. “Thank you,” she replied. “Can I do it again?” the dominant inquired, one eyebrow raised. “Yes please,” came the answer and the next slap was delivered swiftly. “Thank you,” she replied again and the request continued, “Can I do it again?” This game went on and on like a kinky Groundhog Day, holding the whole room’s attention as this polite exchange continued, the exposed woman’s breasts now covered in red welts from the smacks. “Can I do it again” the dominant asked for what must have been the 50th time. “No thank you,” the other woman said sweetly. “Wonderful. What a marvellous toy you are,” the dominant replied. Everyone involved got what they wanted, the submissive glowed from the praise, and the guests all went back to their conversations.

Another helpful tip to encourage and make space for someone’s No is to give two options:

“Can I take you to bed or should we watch another episode?”

“Should I go harder or stay nice and easy like this?”

“Is it time for a water break or does your greedy little pussy want more?”

“Can I take a picture or should I just keep this cuteness all for me?”

“Do you want to cum again or should we take a break and get ice cream?”

This way you’re giving them an easy “out” without leaving too much room for over-thinking. Putting the No on the table as an option can really help folks who are exercising these muscles.

Some of us have had (or have been) partners who respond to “What do you want?” with “I don’t know…” or “Whatever you want…” This is a classic People Pleaser response, and while sometimes it’s nice not to make decisions, it’s often not true. I had a submissive partner who was naked and breathless from the exciting playtime we were having together. I’d been edging them for hours, their desperate whining and fussing was exactly what I’d been craving. They’d pleased me so much during our scene that I wanted to spoil them by letting them choose what we did to finish off our session. I’d called the shots so far, here was an opportunity for them to make a request, “Anything you want!” they said. So I threw a quarter from the bedside table on their bedroom floor and told them to push it around with their nose. “This is so entertaining,” I said condescendingly as they crouched down on the hardwood. It didn’t take long for them to reconsider and come up with a very hot and rewarding idea for how they wanted to finish the scene instead.

These games are easy to play with a partner, just setting up the expectation that we’re going to reach “no” or “stop” can be a fun shift for everyone involved. Sometimes no means “I can’t take anymore” or “I don’t want this”, but sometimes it means “there’s a hair in my mouth and I can’t concentrate on anything else”, or “I really have to take a break to pee”, or even “this is kinda boring.” No’s come for all kinds of reasons, and the more we practise saying it the more comfortable everyone gets with its many meanings.

Saying no can feel uncomfortable at first, but using our words and our boundaries helps to build trust and intimacy with our loved ones. When they know we can protect our own best interests they are free to also protect their own. Consent is a safety net, especially when we’re taking big kinky jumps; a strong safety net means we can really test our limits.