Heart

Steps and Flashbacks

Added 2022-11-25 04:07:52 +0000 UTC

My mother asked me today if it was okay that she still had one of my wedding pictures up. “He’s not in it, it’s just you and your dress, but it’s one of my favourites.” I don’t want to scour my past, I still love my wedding pictures. She was relieved to have my permission.

Here’s one of my wedding pictures. I was 23 years old. The bells on my ankle were supposed to keep away evil curses. They worked. The rain held off and we were so in love. I walked barefoot to meet him under the willow trees, beside the creek. There were hummingbirds flitting around, we faced each other the whole time holding both of our hands together, big fluffy white clouds. Music was on the breeze and my Grandma told me later you could have lit a fire between us. It was beautiful.

Our loved ones read us poetry and sang about love and the Circle Game. We had all that mattered. I don’t want to scour that from the record.

Tan lines on my feet from a summer well lived. Feet that don’t yet realize they’re just walking through the motions. It was the right thing at the time, those steps. But sometimes I wonder if I should have run. To where? Who would I be?

I hadn’t learned enough yet to make better choices, to honour myself and know better. Those lessons would come. They’re still coming.

Ashley C. Ford says that “Forgiveness is giving up on the idea that it was going to be different.” I’m trying to forgive myself more than anyone else. I say a little prayer to the universe, one about sweetness and blessing my next steps.