Perspective

Tumblr says I posted this bit of prose on September 13th, 2018 at 11:07pm.

I think it’s the most depressing thing I ever posted there. I woke up to a dozen messages asking if my husband and I were okay.

We were okay at the time, but the end was hanging over our heads like a guillotine. We just didn’t know it. All the things that would come to un-do us were already set in motion.

It’s strange how hindsight can shift how you read things.

Here’s a snippet from something recent I’ve written about him:

Your face softens for her and I feel the air sucked out of my lungs. I remember that face, that warmth. I remember feeling like the object of your fascination. It was fleeting, but it returned now and then. How sour it feels watching you thrive.

It’s strange being divorced after being polyamorous. I’m jealous of his new partner in a way I haven’t experienced before. I never felt insecure about his partners when we were married because I felt confident in my role in his life, confident about our connection. Now that our relationship has shifted, and we’re trying to be friendly co-parents, I find myself feeling really hurt by some of his relationship developments. I feel like I’m on the outside for the first time. It’s strange trying to reconcile it all.

We were together for 21 years. Those habits have had so long to take root, good and bad. I’m hoping I can find some compersion again and feel good about his happiness. In the mean time writing about my bitter ass feelings really helps.

Do you guys journal? I have several different journals that I use for different things. It can be a really useful tool for sorting out your feelings, and also to look back on and see Concrete Evidence of your own progress. It doesn’t have to make sense or even be legible. Just writing all the words in your head can bring a lot of relief.

Goodnight Patrons, sleep well. 💕