Okay it’s April now…

(The following is a journal entry about feeeeeeeelingsssssss. Feel free to skip it if you’re here for the cute butts.)

… so Spring can start springing and things can stop sucking. April is here the tides are turning. (They have to THEY HAVE TOOOOOO!!!)

On top of all the usual March-related challenges a wicked stomach bug had me taking care of everyone in my house, and then falling victim to the dreaded bug myself. Max insisted on coming over, picking the kids up from school, taking the dog out, keeping an eye on my fever and bringing me ginger ale and saltines. I tried to talk her out if it but she insisted. “I’ve been hanging out with you guys all week, I’ve got your germs already. And I’m here for the good, the bad, and the ugly.”

All weekend she fed me and encouraged me to nap. She did all the jobs. “You let me worry about that.” It’s so vulnerable being sick in front of someone, especially feverish and weepy. She kissed my face and reassured me.

I’ve been deeply grieving my divorce this winter. As we finalize the court documents I’ve been surprised by the tidal wave of feelings. Not regrets, just sadness about some of the things I endured, and some of the things I’ve lost.

One of the many gifts Max has brought to my life is the gift of care. For 21 years I was in a relationship with someone who wasn’t really good at giving care. He was a good provider, and a good partner in other ways, but when our therapist called him a caveman he didn’t disagree… which should give you a sense of his level of tenderness and his general approach to life. I was the caregiver in our relationship. I had loads of empathy so it made up for his lack! Right? Right?? *Natalie Portman Padme Star Wars meme face*

I was the one who brought the TLC. And when I was sick? I took what I could get. So please believe me when I say that the way Max doted on me, babied me, loved me and nursed me back to health was absolutely a reminder of all the things I have GAINED with my divorce. Gratitude is an excellent antidote to grief. Max’s kindness made being sick easier (imagine that!) and I recovered quickly. That’s an important life lesson too. This is just one of many improvements that I made space for when I grew tired of “enduring” and started living.

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(If you’ve been putting off saying “enough is enough” please consider that things might end up better than you’d even dreamed possible, and you might finally get things you’ve always needed. Especially if that thing is peace.)

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I had a really intense therapy session today, I cried through the whole thing. That’s not usually my style, I prefer to cry at home in bed where I don’t have to pay someone to watch me, my therapist is brilliant and I want to get the most out of my time with her. But today I just sobbed. I cried about feeling stuck, how fear was keeping me from letting go, how bitterness and resentment were so familiar these days. How hurt I was by my almost-ex-husband.

I cried about the work I’ve been doing, the deep down inner child work. For me lately that’s been learning to listen to my body’s cues about basic things like feeling hungry or tired. I’ve written about this before, but in the past year I’ve made a lot of progress. “The kind of work you’re doing is exhausting,” she reminds me as I wipe my tears and try to pull myself together. “I’m seeing your growth in real time, the tears are evidence.” (And that’s why it was worth it to pay someone to watch me cry I suppose, the crying you do alone in bed has no witness to remind you how far you’ve come.)

So yeah. March was exhausting. But I’ve been doing the work. And there are good things coming… like crocuses and tulips and a spring-themed wax-play-date with my favourite babes. (Don’t worry you’ll see all the photos!) We’re gonna clean out my garage and make a circus gym too so I can get back to my aerial hoop training. (This feels hard to believe but it’s happening?) Max and I are also planning a few little vacation getaways for the summer. (We’re opting for plague-proof plans since everything is out of hand with the pandemic at the moment.)

So April’s here and things can start to bloom and grow, and maybe that’s what I’m gonna do too after all of this labouring and processing and feeling. I hope you’re feeling like you might bloom too.

💕🌱