March

March always feels hard for me. There’s lots of good reasons historically, and winter dragging on forever is definitely a contributing factor, but I struggle more with my moods in March. I have to work extra hard to pull that sunshine outta me.

It’s just been dark and grey for so long, and nothing is growing and March was always the hardest month when I was growing up, my cells still remember I guess.

Last week my grandmother died, and my divorce stuff started, and Max and I argued about some touchy stuff and it dragged trauma issues for both of us and everything felt so fucking dark.

But then the sun came out, quite literally, we had a few days in a row where it was above-freezing and sunshine-filled. And I came up with an incredible idea for my “real job” that I’m really excited about, and has me using my skills helping people with their mental health again. It felt so good to flex that passion, and be in service.

My husband and I are on better terms these days, which is a huge relief. And Max and I have had some breakthroughs, puzzle pieces clicking together so we understand each other better. We have the whole weekend together to reassure each other and reconnect.

One of my kids likes to sneak up on me and jump-scare me as a prank. On Monday I was stealing a quick moment in the kitchen to smooch Max and whisper sweet things to her when my kiddo did the “BAA!” big scare and I yelped and jumped a mile. Max dissolved into laughter (she loves a good prank) and my kiddo was BEAMING with pride at getting me so good. Unperturbed by the fact that his mother was making out with someone who wasn’t his dad, someone who was a woman, someone who is around a lot lately.

I was beaming too. Their acceptance of her, and our relationship, and my queerness, and the separation, it’s been so healthy and positive. So many big things in such a short time (in the middle of a motherfucking pandemic!) and they’ve both flourished. And shown me that they are already incredible people who know how to love out loud.

I’m grateful for this reminder, and others that have come my way this March, that there is no set path... I just have to follow my heart.